The online dating profile is gone. Sad. And not at all sad. But we had some good times, that profile and me. Or at least a hell of a lot of laughs.
My page was decently written. Which, by Okcupid standards, just means that my answer to “what I’m doing with my life” was not “living it ;)”. But the internet is full of odd, uninhibited people. And my God did it attract some fucking weird messages. Here are 13 of my favorite ones:
Note: I actually went on a date with an author of one of the emails below. You would never guess which one.
1) “I wanna see your face covered with tomato sauce.”
Kinda done with this phase of my life.
2) “I’ve been staring at your profile for 30 mins trying to work out how to get you to say “take me daddy” and this is the most work I’ve ever put into getting a girl.”
3) “You’re a thoroughbred without an abusive jockey and it makes me sick.”
Because all I really need in life is a miniature man with a riding crop.
4) “I really think I hate you a little bit.”
5) “You’re so adorably naive, I hope a good man comes along to protect you from the world.”
6) “Want to meet on a corner at midnight, make out for a little bit, then go on with our separate lives?”
7) “You look like you like to be fucked hard. I’d be happy to oblige.”
8) (excerpt from a 40 line poem)
“…And I knew my inhibitions would be gone
When she came up behind me with a strap-on…”
Two things that are equally likely to occur: You being appointed Poet Laureate. Me wearing this.
9) “I’m really not hitting on you at all. You’re not my type. But can we be friends? Want to hang out?”
10) “I’d like to take you to brunch with my parents.”
Remind me why we’re skipping the fun bits for this?
11) (from a man 10 years my senior) “I’m looking for a sugar mommy. Interested?”
12) “I think I fell in love with your profile when I was high. I kind of like it sober too.”
And the chances of you turning up to our first date sober are…?
13) “I bet you get a ton of fucking weird messages.”
New York, I love you.