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Dreamforce 2015: Islands Of Cool Free Sh*t In An Ocean Of Douche

df2_1You can do the Dreamforce conference for free the rest of the week. Thursday and Friday are the “free days” where broke shlubs can get in for free with a simple free Dreamforce registration. This entitles you to free classes, free keynote sessions and your run of the Expo Floor. The coffee is free all day, you can also get free booze and food if you stay til 6 p.m., or at that point just head to one of the free Dreamforce parties and clean upon cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. Let’s take a look at the good, the bad and the douchey of what you’ll encounter at Dreamforce.

THE GOOD: FREE CLASSES AND KEYNOTES

df2_2There is a constant stream of free tech classes taking place all over the Dreamforce Expo Floor all day Thursday and Friday. There are also a ton of free keynote speeches including the 5 p.m. Thursday Women’s Leadership Keynote with YouTube CEO  Susan Wojcicki and… Jessica Alba? The full schedule of keynotes comes in the confirmation email for your free Dreamforce pass registration.

THE BAD: LOOK AT THIS FUCKING TRAFFIC

df2_3Or lack thereof, because the goddamned tech buses won’t let any traffic through. You will want to do this conference on foot. You do not want to be driving downtown or near SoMa.

THE DOUCHEY: DUDEBROS IN STARTUP SHIRTS

df2_4Is there a less fuckable look on earth than a dudebro in his startup shirt? You will see a lot of this at Dreamforce.

THE GOOD: FREE COFFEE

df2_5It’s good coffee, too! There are free coffee stations all about the Dreamforce Expo Floor, generally Starbucks or Peet’s.

THE BAD: INSUFFERABLE CORPORATE LINGO

df2_6Some asshole actually got paid to come up with the above phrase, which comes to us courtesy the Dreamforce booth for Blue Wolf, the company that put illegal marketing graffiti on the sidewalks and then lied about it.

THE DOUCHEY: ‘SMART BALANCE WHEELS’

df2_7These things are apparently a status symbol at Dreamforce, so prepare to throw up in your mouth a little bit a lot.

THE GOOD: FREE BOOZE AND FOOD

df2_8There are of course the free Dreamforce parties on Thursday night (RSVPs are required). Your free Expo Floor pass technically expires at 4 p.m., but if you stay on the Expo Floor til 6 p.m. on Thursday there will be free food and booze served. Just make sure you don’t leave between 4-6 p.m. because you won’t be able to get back in on a free Expo Pass.

THE BAD: ROBOT IPAD HUMANS

df2_9

This poor woman was not allowed to attend Dreamforce, but instead has to sit at her desk and answer Dreamforce people’s questions. This says something terrible about the future of American employment, though I am not yet sure what.

THE DOUCHEY: BRANDED FUCKING EVERYTHING

df2_10Are these Dreamforce fingernails cute or douchey? They are kind of both! Much like Dreamforce itself. You can find some really cool shit for free — you just have to get your fingernails dirty.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.