7 Ways to Get Over Being Dumped
You’ve been there. I’ve been there. A toll booth worker has been there. Your creepy uncle with the lingering
hand stare and propensity to unabashedly flirt with you at a family reunion after a few gin+tonics has been there. And, for the few of you who haven’t been there, good for you – you’ve somehow managed to dodge one of life’s most toxic, jarring bullets and you can go fuck yourself now. An unexpected break-up can hit you harder than Tonya Harding. Someone who was once a big part of your life suddenly isn’t and that’s a real tough pill to swallow.
Night after night you find yourself cowering in the corner of your dimly lit living room strewn with self-help books and empty bottles of mini Budweiser bowling pins as you grip your ex’s old, tattered college sweatshirt
caked with tears and dried snot that still smells like him/her. You peel yourself out of bed each morning in a cloudy haze, brushing your teeth in slow, lackadaisical motions whilst inadvertently catching a frightening glimpse of that pale puff-ball in the mirror that you once called your face. You hurl your limp body into the shower, welcoming the scalding hot water onto your head: the physical pain you feel as a result is a much needed distraction from the emotional pain you feel every moment of every day.
On most days you simply go through the motions. After all, the world is still spinning. Your cubicle awaits. Faxes need to be sent, Powerpoint presentations need to be powered and Excel spreadsheets need to be excelled or whatever. That naggy slunt named Marjorie in HR needs you to fill out your 401K forms. Your landlord needs rent. You’ve gotta hit up
hell the DMV and get your license renewed. You Your cavity needs to be drilled, and hey – that laundry’s not gonna do itself. You have to send out emails to clients with subject lines like “Following up,” “Checking in,” “Touching base,” and pretend like you actually give a fuck about the content of said emails. You’re sad, and being sad doesn’t give you a free pass to check out of life and escape the mundanities that pervade it everyday…and if you do feel paralyzed by sadness, go get Lexapro some help, please…okay? I love you.
Breakups suck, unrequited love sucks, rejections sucks. These life chafes can leave you feeling more hollow than Kim Kardashian’s head. I am no expert on the subject of how to mend a broken heart but I’ve certainly done a lot of research on it. In fact, if you were to check my browser history over the last few years you’d find it peppered with inquiries like, “How do I get over my ex?” or “How did Jennifer Aniston make it through the Brad Pitt scandal?” or “How do snakes mate? They already are a penis kind of.” Okay, the latter question is
an extremely valid question irrelevant. My point is, I’ve been able to glean some useful break-up survival tips through the years. Here are the ones that have stood out to me:
1. Refrain from putting your ex on a pedestal. He or she isn’t fucking Ghandi, has ingrown pubes, probably can’t differentiate between “your” and “you’re” and says “supposebly” instead of “supposedly”. Fucking idiot.
2. Allow me to introduce you to your new breast friend: Time. Remember John Favreau’s character in Swingers? He had fallen into a pit of despair on account of his girlfriend leaving him. His friend tells him, “I don’t know man. It’s like you wake up everyday and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn’t hurt at all.” This is true. In the moment, heartbreak can feel like the goddamn apocalypse. But as time goes on you’ll start to laugh at stupid shit again.
3. Turn off Pink Floyd’s “Wish you were here” and turn on The Gypsy Kings. Music has the power to pull us deeper into a pit of despair. Falling asleep every night in the fetal position with snot on your forehead as you blare REM’s “Everybody Hurts” gets real old. Stop torturing yourself, and get on with it.
4. Focus on other things. Keep yourself busy. Read up on the ol’ Fiscal Cliff or whatever the shit it is grown-ups talk about at cocktail parties.
6. Get out. Go for a walk. But do remember to brush your hair for fuck’s sake.
7. Be social…but take it easy on the booze.
Alcohol is a depressant. Sure, it’s fun to go out and get rowdy with your friends but if you find yourself waking up on the floor of an apartment in the Loin belonging to some guy named Daryll with a hangover the size of Everest, maybe you oughta think about cutting back. Also, you’re more likely to send embarrassing sexts texts when you’re under the influence of 3 bottles of Whispering Angel. Believe me, I have been there a time or 46.
Last but not least, always remember: you don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you.
Happy healing, people!