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Fuck You, ‘Full House’

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Full House nostalgia is on full blast, which is odd considering that Full House was completely shitty and never any good. The Netflix reboot of the male-dominated, whitebread 80s sitcom has set off a nostalgic phenomenon with a porn parody, a gentrification parody and a Brooklyn hipster parody. Were you a fan of Full House during its 1987-1995 run? Fine, you were a kid. Watch those same episodes now as an adult and you’ll agree they are the infected backside of the modern television spectrum. Reviews indicate that the new reboot is even worse.

Full House is the story of three dudes living together in San Francisco but none of them are gay or fucking each other. That hasn’t happened here since Dianne Feinstein was mayor.  Full House never referenced the HIV/AIDS epidemic that tore San Francisco apart at the time and never depicted people of color. It is not a San Francisco show.

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You guys. It’s a Photoshop. They’re probably in Burbank.

‘FULL HOUSE’ WAS NOT A SAN FRANCISCO SHOW

Full House was never really filmed in San Francisco. Only one episode was ever shot here (s8 e1, “Comet’s Excellent Adventure”). Several bits from the Season One opening credits were shot in San Francisco, but most of these were edited out as the kids grew older. Full House was always shot entirely in Los Angeles, and made no acknowledgement of the social issues reshaping San Francisco in the 1980s. It was a straight white people’s show, by straight white people and for straight white people.

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BOB SAGET WAS NEVER FUNNY

Bob Saget fans always defend his weak-ass body of work with the exact same argument: “He had that one funny scene in Half-Baked!”. Dave Chapelle was funnier in that scene, but whatever.

Bob Saget did not write Half-Baked. He just appeared in one brief scene. Bob Saget has never otherwise been funny in his 30-year career, and he was never funny on Full House.

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JOHN STAMOS HAS NO TALENT

We probably have John Stamos to blame for this Full House reboot, ‘cause these days that guy can’t get a gig on TaskRabbit.

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DAVE COULIER IS A GODDAMN NOBODY

Dave Coulier doesn’t even know who Dave Coulier is.

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THE OLSEN TWINS REMAIN FANTASTIC

Since leaving Full House, the Olsen Twins have become international fashion icons, established themselves among the wealthiest women in the entertainment industry and secretly had Heath Ledger murdered. I am totally on board with all of that and I appreciate the Olsen Twins choice not to be involved with the Fuller House remake.

Wake up, San Francisco. There are many great SF-based TV shows of yesteryear that better reflect the character and quality of our city. Too Close for Comfort featured an openly gay actor. Ironside featured a primary character with a disability. Sledge Hammer! was a magnificent spoof of the Dirty Harry series. The Streets of San Francisco was actually filmed on the streets of San Francisco.

But as a cultural representation of our fair city, Full House is full of shit.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

  • Matt

    Oh please. I can’t wait until you expose Charmed. And this city is segregated as hell. It’s perfectly reasonable that they wouldn’t even see a non-white person. You could live in Chinatown your whole life, never learn English and never see a white person until a tourist wonders down the wrong street, then runs away screaming when they see a duck hanging upside down in a restaurant window. How old were you in the 80s anyway? 5? 10? Relax. Everything doesn’t have to tell everyone’s story. Just because it doesn’t meet your lofty highfalutent standards doesn’t mean it’s “not a San Francisco show”