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5 Brooklyn Coffee Shops That Make You Want To Kill Yourself

Sometimes everyone needs a little creative push. The right atmosphere can be the difference between your biggest accomplishment or your worst failure. These Brooklyn coffee shops will be sure to make you take the plunge, providing that it’s into The East River.

Lil Skips

Lil Skips

I have to give number 1 to the legendary Lil Skips in Bushwick. This is the number one coffee shop you hear aging hipsters say they went “before it was cool”, As Wilco plays softly in the background, overpriced coffee with bitter and bizarrely fruity accents is poured for you in awkward hushed silence. The food is even more overpriced but what really ruins this popular retreat for people who need you to know they work in the arts is the clientele. I was once shushed by two 20 something’s on old school typewriters. Do you have any clue how loud a friggen typewriter is??!!

Typewriter hipsters

Other bonuses include sharing a table with someone loudly pontificating on the purpose and path of their career in the performance arts, a girl with a half shaved head giggling loudly to herself over Instagram, at least one OkCupid date in which both parties are trying way too hard to impress each other and the general feeling that absolutely no one wants you here, including you. One thing I have to say about this place is they run some great live shows and have some pretty awesome art on the walls. That’s why I recommend death by adding a hint of bleach to your coffee. It already tastes like shit anyway and trust me, after 15 minutes you’re going to want to make this as messy as possible.

Swallow

Swallow

No for real, that’s the name. I’m not kidding.  To live up to their cum guzzling title, I was once called a poser for my Star Wars shirt and then had a tip jar shaken in my face in the same breath. At any time of the day, this hip spot is sure to have at least one guy carrying a guitar in it. Why is he carrying it? It’s 10 am. No one knows. Is he playing a church service or does he just need every female with bangs in the vicinity (so all of us) to know he might write them an awful song if we let him stick it in?

Jesus Guitar

Rather than nice private tables, you have to share long wooden benches with the likes of guitar guy which again leads to the awkward balance of everyone shushing each other while at the same time overhearing the same horrible OkCupid date. The best part about this spot is the location. Conveniently situated right next to the Morgan L, after penning your final goodbyes you can jump in front of the subway. Not only does it mess up hundreds of people’s commute but I heard it’s fast and messy enough to permanently scar the driver. Just make sure you jump right at the end of the platform and nowhere near the middle. I’m not explaining why. If you’re morbid enough you’ll google it.

Routine

Routine

The one thing that definitely sets this coffee shop apart is that it’s the one you would go to fulfill your unnecessarily large floppy hat quota for the week.  All around you waif fashionista’s can be overheard guffawing at how great so and so looks on such and such app. My guess is they maintain their size by feeding solely on the “exotic” $15 sandwiches that generally amount to toast, arugula, a small slice of fancy cheese and a toothpick. I call this the skinny twat shop. I once stopped in on a particularly grueling day of working outside and even the clock stopped to look me up and down and groan. I guess red rain ponchos will never be in. I should have worn a giant black knit blanket with a neck hole over matching tights instead. This is the perfect coffee shop to attend if you plan on starving to death in a hot yoga class later. Go ahead. Do it. “Yoga for the people” will be doing us their biggest service yet. Better yet, go on a cleanse, be annoyingly vocal about it on social media and then drop dead in a hot yoga class. Not only will your pain and misery be over, you’ll potentially tarnish the reputation of safety, of one of the superclasses most annoying “hobbies”.

UPstate Stock #0

Upstate Stock

I didn’t want to include too many places in Williamsburg because it’s Williamsburg. I mean seriously, what the fuck do you expect? However, a couple of places are so douchey they deserve a mention. This is the out-of-towner’s idea of a hipster cafe so of course it’s plucked from a business man’s brain after he finally decided not to open that Starbucks franchise instead. The pastries are all locally baked, which is great but even the yelp reviews are obnoxious. “This place is more of a lifestyle choice than a cafe” boasts one reviewer who I’d like to kick in the nuts.   What he means is brand – not lifestyle – it’s a BRAND. In addition to coffee, they also sell soaps, scented candles, tote bags and even tee shirts that say something along the lines of, “Hey! I Visited Williamsburg and Pretended To Be A Native Douchebag Instead Of a Foreign One!” To go with the theme these wooden benches beat out all the other wooden benches we’ve discussed thus far. You can cram approximately 20 annoying people in on each side. I know I talked about their baked goods but do us all a favor & instead of a “peppercorn swiss croissant” just hang yourself with that fucking tote bag please.

Devocion

Devocio’n

Ok let’s stay in Williamsburg for what I call the Donald Trump of cafes. Have you ever wanted a cup of coffee that just screams: “I will only bathe my dog in bottled water?!”

This coffee shop looks like a mansion. As someone who grew up on good old 7-11, walking into this place made me look over my shoulder constantly for anyone who might be removing the homeless. Featuring high ceilings, a living green wall, and chesterfield sofas; this “café” is sure to make you go home to your apartment feeling like the broke piece of shit you are. All brews come in express shipments from exotic locations like Brazil or Columbia or anywhere that the people who can afford them might be afraid to go on vacation. Wait, there’s more!

Really want to prove your better than everyone? No problem! Devo’cion offers subscriptions so you quote “never have to settle for less again”. I can stomach the prices just as well as I can pronounce the name; so yea, not at all. They don’t want you here. You’re not good enough to be here and you never will be. You’re apartment is probably 1/10th the size of the counter space and doesn’t even have heat. Lucky for you this coffee shop is situated right next to Williamsburg’s waterfront so when they inevitably kick your broke ass out; you can fill your shoes with rocks and jump right in. I mean who do you think you are trying to get a cup of coffee here anyway? You fuckin loser.

Weird beans

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Tiana Miller

Tiana Miller

One gnarly dude, man.