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Even More Food & Drinks That Shouldn’t Exist

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Because Part 1 of 10 Foods &  Drink That Shouldn’t Exist and Part 2 of 10 MORE Food & Drinks That Shouldn’t Exist apparently weren’t enough for this godforsaken planet, the universe has seen fit to expel even more slovenly detritus to its greedy masses in a never-slacking campaign to satiate a dark hunger that has no end.

How can we continue to call ourselves humanity when we show such a lack of it? How do we continue from this ritual of endless torment?

I hope you’re proud of yourselves.

1. The KFC Chizza

Courtesy of Business Insider

Courtesy of Business Insider

Do you think this is a game? To make a fried chicken cutlet into a receptacle for Hawaiian-style pizza? With cheese sauce? Cheese sauce? This is why we can’t have nice things.

2. Naga Chili Vodka

Courtesy of Huffington Post

Courtesy of Huffington Post

I, too, believe that we are doomed as a species but this is no way to go. I don’t know what 250,000 scovilles equates to in square inches of taste buds annihilated on my tongue but the punishment is too cruel even for us.

3. Spaghetti donuts

Courtesy of Simplemost

Courtesy of Simplemost

How. Dare. You? To take a delicious pasta and a delicious bread, to assume that they can somehow improve them by fusing this monster is not only the height of arrogance, it is foolhardy indeed. Also, that’s obviously a bagel, not a donut.

4. Candwich

Courtesy of Eater

Courtesy of Eater

Courtesy of Eater

I’m honestly not sure what is worse: the fact that these are supposed to be an even more advanced level of hot pocket or that anyone would be lazy enough to need a canned peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of just buying the damned ingredients and construct one. The apocalypse is nigh.

5. Malort

Courtesy of Kimpton Hotels

Courtesy of Kimpton Hotels

Ever been to Chicago? Did you have Malort? Either way, it’s terrible. Like Fernet that went bad and someone tried to hide it with sugar. Too much sugar. Traditions are beautiful but some things are the territory of the devil. Find me someone who enjoys drinking it and I will show you a liar.

6. Cuttlefish odori-don

Courtesy of Huffington Post

Courtesy of Huffington Post

Schadenfreude is a German word that means “to take joy out of another’s misery or pain”. If you’re pouring soy sauce on a dead cuttlefish to stimulate its nervous system into dancing before you eat its exhausted corpse…you and I both know there’s something dark at play.

7. Live minnow shots

Courtesy of Instagram

Courtesy of Instagram

Speaking of torturing seafood, for what purpose would you ever need to take a shot of alcohol containing an actual live fish in it? So that you can experience the joy of its death shits in your throat as it slides down?

8. Anything in “Natural Harvest”

Courtesy of reddit

Courtesy of reddit

“Natural Harvest” is a real cookbook. No, honestly, you can buy it and it is absolutely sincere. Literally any one of its semen-based recipes could have been on this list but the cosmos is not kind and so I had to pile them into one entry.

9. Unicorn Hot Chocolate

Courtesy of Elite Daily

Courtesy of Elite Daily

Oh, it’s cute. You know what’s not cute? Diabetes.

10. Turducken

Courtesy of Schaller & Weber

Courtesy of Schaller & Weber

Perhaps this is where it all went wrong, when we forgot the meaning of the word “hubris” and cast our eyes down in shame at what we had made. Is it even the turducken’s fault or is it, like a demon bred of our own regrets, simply the product of a broken world?

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Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

Candace Cui - Actual Unicorn

At age 2, I was getting run over by a bike in an alley in China. At age 8, I was avoiding man-o-wars on Tybee Island. At age 14, I was overdrinking sweet tea while running through the woods barefoot. At age 20, I was learning Art History and how to drop it low. At age 25, I was making fun of drum circles at Dolores. At every age, I am charming the fuck out of you. Just wait, it'll happen.