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Bucket List for Millennials Before the Coming Apocalypse

Get it together. Put down your phone and live like you’re dying.

The seas are rising, the bees are dying, and Donald Trump is the commander & chief of the most decked out army the world has ever seen. We’re not going to have another free election, the social safety net is unraveling & the brightest minds of our generation are focused on how to make apps better at making us all worthless, lazy narcissists. Buckle up.

Stop living your life like there’s a prize at the end for dutifully checking off boxes. You could get a job, save your pennies, marry a good citizen & still end up grist for the mill in the next oligarch power struggle.

You could have the “perfect” life. You’re still going to die. Get over it. Pic via this site.

So, live & love radically. Because no matter the calendar year, or political party-we’re all gonna die.

Millennials, it’s time for us to make our bucket list. Items on your bucket list break down into three categories:

1) Things you want to do.

2) Things you want to see.

3) Things you want to feel.

Things you want to do are accomplishments or experiences. Like, I want to publish a novel, I want to go skydiving, I want to get good at woodworking. Prioritize craft over achievement, playing music to comfort the other survivors when you’re all trying to learn subsistence farming in a nuclear winter is more important than the contract details on your first album.

Things you want to see are nouns you want to lay your eyes on in real life. Like “India” or “a Nickleback concert” both count. Try to remember to put your phone down for these experiences, or you’re missing out on the real life magic. Fuck you, Nickleback is great.

Things you want to feel are longer term and harder to measure, but better to aim for.

I want to come super hard,  I want to know I gave it my all. I want to mentor someone. And, if it’s already over, “I want to feel high,” is also a choice.

I would like to try heroin when I’m 85, or if no I longer have the right to move about freely or write.

Fuck yeah, grams. You chase that dragon. Pic from this site.

What do you really want to see? Go see it. What do you really want to do? Just do it. Hint: get off your phone. Seriously why did you even click on this article? We have Seamless, Netflix, we no longer have to learn how to read maps to get places…but it’s all a distraction. Don’t ever forget we’re all going to die.

Every generation obsesses over its own mortality. End of the world fantasies are ubiquitous in recorded history. And also, even if a brutal bloody death isn’t imminent, living like you’re dying is a better way to live.

Remember the “Mayan Apocalypse” a few years ago? PIc via this site.

Because even if the liberals take back the country in 2018 or 2020 and create an organic gay pastoral utopia. You’re still gonna die, so you may as well get in the habit of making yourself happy. Otherwise, what’s the point?

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Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey is a stand-up comic. You may have seen her on MTV's Braless, or heard her on SiriusXM radio. She writes for Vice and travels with the CAKE Comedy Tour.