BushwickColumnsNew YorkNewsPoliticsTrump

Top 4 Reasons To Date Vladimir Putin

A look at ultra-conservatives romantic infatuation with Putin. Every girl loves a bad boy but it takes a special lady to love an oligarch!

Here are the top 4 reasons Vladimir Putin is 2017’s dream boat to die for, (most likely in a suspicious circumstance made to look like a suicide), and with that kind of money, let’s be real ladies, who cares?!

1. He’s a real man’s, man!

He Soars on the Wings of an Eagle and Into Your Homophobic Heart. Pic via this site

Putin has worked incredibly hard to cultivate an image of pure machismo. In fact, a large chunk of his political career has been spent calling things “gay”, literally. While the pre-Trump west was “infertile and genderless”, Europe is known as “Gayropa”. I know, AND a sense of humor?! Too cute!

 Since his rise to power in Russia homosexuals have had to live in fear. In 2014 Vladimir passed a law against ‘gay propaganda’ that made homosexuality a criminal offense leading to violence, jail or even death. It’s a good thing too with all these sexy pictures he releases to the media!

Whether he’s playing hockey, riding a horse shirtless or flipping a much larger opponent in a Judo match, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has to beat the gay men off of him! Like, literally beat them off, because our little Puty-cakes didn’t just criminalize homosexuality, he legalized domestic violence! Nothing says ‘I’m Manly’ more than calling everything gay and disrespecting women.

 2. He’s mysterious!

So mysterious it’s hard to say we know anything about him for sure besides his zodiac sign. And this regal Libra demands justice on his terms! Actually, it’s a mystery how he even managed a 3rd term considering the legal limit in Russia is only 2,  but I digress! Let’s at least get to #3 before we go missing.

 Putin’s long background in the KGB is evident in almost everything he does, not even singling in on all that sexy espionage, murder, and conspiracy. He’s hiding something much deeper just below the surface at all times. Whether it’s a scheme to take down the West or take you to dinner, you’ll never know until this bad boy’s already pulled it off!

 Even his illegal 3rd term was last minute, sparking monumental protests all over Russia. The majority of these protests had to come after his win was already announced because he’s just that darn good at sweeping people off their feet with surprises!

Russian citizens protest Putin’s 3rd term. Image via this site.

 This sense of mystery tends to engulf everyone close to him as well. His daughters are heralded as the most mysterious first children in the world while his ex-wife and love life provide constant gossip fodder in Russian tabloids with very little if any, the first-hand information being leaked. The only thing the world gets to know or see of Putin is what he wants them too and I mean c’mon, all that mystery AND he’s small, pale and handsome, what could go wrong? 

 3. He takes control!

Illustration via this site

So much control in fact. that people tend to go missing around him. Like A LOT of people. When he came to power he immediately took over every media outlet, putting them under the direct control of his administration after finding convenient reasons to exile or put the original owners in jail. I know. Talk about an alpha, right?

 So many of Putin’s critics have been killed it’s hard to even scrape the surface but there is one recent instance directly linked with the US. The ex-KGB agent linked to the intelligence behind Trump’s golden shower, from two Russian prostitutes, who conveniently died from sudden organ failure linked to poison right before the article broke.

 This is in no way a new occurrence either. With over 350 Russian journalists and/or human rights activists turning up mysteriously murdered since the end of the USSR.  Journalists have even publicly accused Putin of causing the 1999 apartment bombings which killed 293 citizens, proposing that Putin used his KGB ties to cause a national tragedy and then ride the resulting wave of anger all the way into office.

 The bombing was also used as grounds for starting the incredibly bloody Second Chechen War by blaming terrorists. This conspiracy theory is one that a shocking amount of Russian citizen’s share. If he’ll do that just to make himself look good, imagine what he’d do to that bitch who always criticizes your cooking at the bake sale? Tea laced with polonium-210 for one, please!

 4. He’s rich.

Rich as hell girl! Pic via this site

We’re not exactly sure how rich (see #2) but it’s been speculated that he’s one of, if not the richest men in the world. The type of financial backing behind this seemingly Dostoevsky written hunk makes Trump look like a commoner. This is because Putin is a step on the ladder above or below — depending on how you’re looking at it – from a predatory capitalist. He is what the wet dream of predatory capitalists everywhere is to be: an oligarch. Everything his country earns and owns belongs to him, at least in his mind.

 Estimates have gone as high as $200 billion but it’s impossible to get an accurate economic profile of a man who, much like our own president, has turned the hiding of his personal business transactions into public policy. One thing is for sure though; any mineable diamond could easily be yours. Putin has gained and held most of his political power using self-aggrandizing claims of business prowess and exaggerating his hand in bringing back Russia’s economy during the 1990’s.

 Sources close to Putin have provided proof that while he was claiming he was taking money from the country’s super rich to put into civil services like healthcare or education – in reality, it was used mostly for his own personal enjoyment. Just think of it. He’s a Robin Hood, but he steals from the rich AND poor and then just gives it to you! Fairytales really do come true! Sort of?

With all these things making Putin such an eligible bachelor it’s no wonder ultra-conservatives all over the world have become so mad about Vlad. Even before Donald Trump’s rise to power, Sarah Palin was quoted saying to Sean Hannity of Obama: 

Well, yes, especially under the commander-in-chief that we have today because Obama’s, the perception of him and his potency across the world is one of such weakness. And you know, look, people are looking at Putin as one who wrestles bears and drills for oil. They look at our president as one who wears mom jeans and equivocates and bloviates. We are not exercising that peace through strength that only can be brought to you courtesy of the red, white and blue, that only a strengthened United States military can do.”

Putin/Palin <3

The value systems of the far right and Russians are oddly on par. If guns, white nationalism, and masculinity are your main political selling points, Putin is pretty much a dream come true. All we have to do is sell our rights to an incredibly shady oligarch and we can have this Superman of a leader “wrestle(ing) bears and drill(ing) for oil”.  Think of all America has missed out on since our last overtly masculine leader started our longest war in history!

I know girl, sign me up too! 

Alina Kabaeva one of Putin’s alleged mistresses. Image via Reddit.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Get Your Hands on my Giant Package!

Next post

Despacito is the Reggaeton-Pop track you need for summer.


Tiana Miller

Tiana Miller

One gnarly dude, man.