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How to Pickup a Sailor at Fleet Week in SF

Some of you hate Fleet Week with a passion. But others of you will passionately seek out “the D” at Fleet Week SF (performing Oct. 6, 7, 8th in 2017), our annual celebration of loud planes, terrified housepets and attractive, buff sailors who claim to be unmarried. This article is for those of you who seek the D.

There are different guidelines for those who seek man-on-sailor action and those looking for girl-on-sailor action. We spoke with both men and women who’ve successfully banged sailors in Fleet Weeks past. Let’s take a look at these different guidelines for you men and women who’d like to get some seamen in their bedsheets this weekend.

Get on Grindr or Tinder

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“Nowadays with Grindr apps, a lot of the ‘magic’ has gone out of it,” says actor and burlesque performer Enormvs Munoz.

But magic is in the eye of the beholder. Grindr may eliminate the mystery and tease of courtship, but it gets fucking resultsSet up your Grindr profile if you haven’t already, and the app will GPS-locate all the nearby sailors who are looking for a man sandwich.

Grindr has much more robust GPS capabilities than does Tinder. Straight women looking for sailors on Tinder might not see these visiting sailors in their Tinder feed until later in the weekend. Tinder seems to take a day or two longer to display users when they are visiting a different city, so it’s use is more limited than Grindr.

Hit Lots of Bars

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“All that seems to be involved in picking up a sailor is waiting til they get off the boat,” says Caitlyn Tanya Reid, who has successfully picked up sailors in bars.

You’ll do well to find sailors in Fisherman’s Wharf-area bars like the Gold DustBeer 39 and Jack’s Cannery. But today’s sex-seeking Fleet Week sailor is savvy enough to hit bars all over town, and your sailor uniform fetish will tingle all over the Mission, the Castro and all your favorite SF nightlife hot spots.

“Military brats are weird,” Enormvs Munoz tells BrokeAssStuart.com. “Back in the early 2000s, you just had to gear up for the influx of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tellers’ prowling the bars. And then you had jump on it before someone else did. But you also had to worry about jumping too soon. You don’t wanna waste your wad on the first mediocre sailor that comes your way just cuz he’s there.”

Ms. Reid recalls her sailor-fucking encounter in similar terms. “There is not a whole lot of work involved in picking up a sailor during Fleet Week,” she says. ” We just walked into a bar.”

“There were several sailors, and we got approached. My best friend and I knowingly looked at each other and said ‘FUCK IT!’ Which we did. I went to the seedy, Chinatown hotel they were sharing and [REDACTED] took hers back to her house. We both had great nights and hungover day-afters.”

“My sailor friended me on Facebook and asked to come visit him in San Diego,” she continues. “The dummy forgot the part where his status said ‘Married’.”

But she has no regrets. “It was a bucket list thing,” Ms. Reid says. “You only need to do it once before you die.”

Remember, the Sailors Want to Get Picked Up

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Here’s Broke-Ass Stuart himself, dressed up as a sailor back in 2006. This is also his Grindr profile picture (just kidding, he’s not on Grindr).

Retired Naval Seaman Shane Kroll knows what it’s like to be a lonely sailor at Fleet Week. “My experience of Fleet Week  was from the sailor in a strange town point of view,” Shane recalls. “This was during DADT and I was a loner (as a lot of gay sailors are) so I went out and experienced the town alone.”

“I would have loved having a buddy to show me around,” he says.

The sailors visiting SF for Fleet Week don’t have many friends in town, and they’d love some company. Meanwhile, you’d love some dick. So go ahead and take some seamen on the poop deck, and see what kind of special Fleet Week magic happens with you and your sailor of choice.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

  • AtomMike

    Seafood!