Adventurous SexSan FranciscoSex and Dating

I Was Groped On Muni (Again)

By Kelly O’Grady

There I was, like any other day riding public transportation, I was on my way to the comic book store and I was really in a great mood; As I read my fantasy novel a dark shadow fell on me, “Can I sit next to you” asked a voice with a thick Eastern- European accent. I looked up and saw an old man with a cane and he was wearing a garish knitted turtleneck sweater, which should have been the first tip off of what was going to transpire next. He looked like Bela Lugosi in a Cosby sweater, a terrifying combination.

“Sure you can sit down next to me” I said, and so he did, in doing so he brushed his knee against mine and left it there; it was weird but I figured he was injured or something, (hence the cane) and asked if that was okay. Sometimes I find myself being overly polite and getting into situations I could’ve have avoided, this was one of them.

“Uhh, okay?” I said, (like a guy who something bad is going to happen to) His corduroy clad knee was pressed next to mine for a few minutes as the Muni train lurched down the track. Of course this wasn’t enough for the old man and I felt his hand land on my knee like a dirty old pelican and he asked if that was okay.

I didn’t even say anything this time he just did it. Now, at this time any reasonable person would say “ Excuse me sir, I don’t want your dirty mitts off my fucking knee, please remove it.”

But I didn’t because once again I’m overly polite and I thought “Maybe that’s what is normal in Bulgaria or wherever he’s from?”  My eyes went back to my Fantasy novel:

“Lyrion Gannister penetrated the lusty witch for a fortnight straight, she had told him all of her secrets of her body and her loins were well oiled. When they weren’t fucking they ate Chicken pot- pies and roasted berries, the winter was coming and so was Lyrian Gannister.”

Then the old man interrupted my reading and asked in a low voice “ Is this okay?!!” and his hand shot right for my private area, I leapt up like a blow up balloon man and got off ten blocks from my stop. I didn’t feel like going to the comic book store anymore. I felt like taking a chemical shower. With my day ruined I went to my (then) Girlfriend’s house for some kind of sympathy, but no; she just laughed at me.

The end.


*Illustrations by Kelly O’Grady

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Theater Rhinoceros' The Normal Heart Might Break Your Own Heart

Next post

The Hook-up Truck, SF's Mobile 'Sexual Adventuring' Room is Back


Guest Writer

Guest Writer

We write for busboys, poets, social workers, students, artists, musicians, magicians, mathematicians, maniacs, yodelers and everyone else out there who wants to enjoy life not as a rich person, but as a real person. Namely, we write for you.

We’re currently looking to expand our author pool. If you’re snarky, know what’s happening in your town, and good at making your fingers type out funny words, then you might be just the person we’re looking for. Email alex@brokeassstuart.com with some writing samples if you're interested. Cheers

  • brokebeauty

    A man exposed himself to my sister and me in a subway in NY a few years back. He was wearing very short jean shorts and he moved his leg so that the tip poked out. He watched us intently as we both saw it and tried to look away. We finally had to move because it made us both really uncomfortable. After we moved, he got off the train at the next stop.