I have posted a Missed Connections exactly once, and the weird thing is, it worked. I was watching TV and saw a guy in the audience on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, decided he was adorable, wrote a post, and by some miracle, he saw it. This was exciting and amazing until the second date, when it became apparent that, um, this person and I made no sense together. Around the second date it also occurred to me that Missed Connections is similar to modern day hitchhiking, in that everyone thinks it’s harmless until Jeffrey Dahmer shows up, and then suddenly it’s like, maybe this whole system is slightly flawed.

I should disclaim that my Missed Connections did NOT turn out to be Jeffrey Dahmer, and everything was fine. Still. Missed Connections is a weird, creepy landscape, where the potential to date a person you held two seconds of eye contact with on the L train, then naturally assumed was your SOUL MATE, could lead to either romance or a brutal, horrific murder.

In a more probable outcome, it could also lead to a lot of general internet mockery in your direction, since most Missed Connections posts are absolutely retarded. Thus, before posting one, there are some things to consider.

1) There is no such thing as fate, or your one true “soul mate”

What was so awesome about this person? The fact that they were reading War and Peace, and, OMG, so are you, sort of!! … Err, no. I’m sorry, but this is not a sign the two of you are destined to be together. The guy who makes my bagels at Bagelsmith also loves bacon, egg, and cheese on toasted whole wheat, but, despite this amaaaazing commonality, we would not make a good couple. Because I am taller than him.

2) Do you have an even remotely narrow description of this person?

If your main identifying characteristics are: brunette, wearing a red flannel shirt, listening to her ipod on the Graham stop, do not write this post. Because that is every hipster on the Graham stop, ever.

3) Could they be an axe murderer?

Go with your gut. My gut usually has reservations about unibrows, forehead veins, and any sort of cranial scars.

If, after considering the reasons this post will be pointless, you are still forging ahead, good for you! Deluded persistence will probably come in handy during this relationship anyway. So let’s start drafting your MC.

Step 1) Learn how to fucking spell

Subject/verb disagreements and misspellings happen to the best of us, but the moment they become a damning indicator of your intelligence is when the errors approach, say, 20 percent of everything you type. If you write a 500-page novel and it contains one typo, no one is going to hold that against you. If in the course of THREE sentences you manage to misspell five words, you are a moron.

Step 2) If you’re an ass man, by all means, disclose that

Be honest. If you feel the fact that you’re normally an “ass man,” but, in this one instance, are willing to make an exception and become a boob man, just for her (AWWWW!), that’s definitely something she should know.

Step 3) But don’t over-compliment

Say one thing about her being cute and then leave it at that. It’s creepy and weird to go into minute detail, even if it’s about a non-douchey body part such as eyes or hair.

Step 4) If your MC responds, pick a well-lit, non-desolate place to meet

Just in case. Casually inform your emergency contact where you will be. And I would advise keeping your expectations low, because it might seem like the universe brought you together for a reason, but, in actuality, when you find out his favorite band is Fall Out Boy, you’ll be glad the universe probably doesn’t give a shit.

Related posts:

1. So You’re Dating an Expat
2. Pros & Cons Of Serial First Dating – Straight Girl Edition
3. Couples Weigh In

1) Fear

As far as I’m concerned, this was THE date movie of 1996, aka 8th grade.  Which is quite strange and disturbing, seeing as how the main message to young women is “never date anyone ever, and always listen to your dad, because your boyfriend is probably a sociopath”.  I guess the reason why this was probably popular amongst 8th grade girls has to just be because of the part where Reese Witherspoon gets fingerblasted on the rollercoaster while Mazzy Star’s cover of “Wild Horses” played.  That’s really all I ever wanted out of dating in the 8th grade, to be honest.  Also, I know quite a few girls that were actually fingerblasted DURING that scene too!  Oh and also, probably this movie was popular because Marky Mark’s hot peak period of time was obviously 1996.  Even though it was pretty fucked up to think that character was cute.  I’m going to go ahead and blame this movie for any masochistic dating behavior that has manifested in myself since 1996.

2) Scream

I think I saw this with one of my first boyfriends, and was probably one of my first exposures to anything vaguely related to post-modern irony/pastiche.  What’s funny about that it is that this movie is totally inseparable with the 90s.  Also, wasn’t this around the time that people were saying Skeet Ulrich was going to be the next Johnny Depp?  The last time I remember Skeet Ulrich being in anything recent was a poster on Satan’s wall in South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, which was like, a total Freshman year in college-era movie.  Regardless, it kinda had something in it for everyone, which is I guess one of the key components to a date movie, and if you were like, alive in the 90s, chances are you went on a date to go see it.  Also, I can’t fucking believe the Wayans brothers are still “parodying” that movie a million years too late and as far from the mark as possible.

3) Beavis and Butthead Do America

Maybe this is just me and my ridiculous people I dated in middle school, but the first guy that I ever actually dated and had a huge crush on wanted nothing else but to see this movie at the very fist mention of it months before.  A number of things went wrong in the meantime– he broke his leg snowboarding, and I was way too shy to like initiate anything….plus the fact that you know, this movie does not exactly ease any sexy time out of an 8th grader whatsoever.  So, this guy loved it, as did I, though, I considered it a personal failure that our much built-up movie date was, in the end, memorable for nothing else but “Cornholio”.  I guess it definitely could’ve been worse.

4) I Know What You Did Last Summer

This definitely reminds me of my first real boyfriend, and my first real annoyance at a boyfriend making fun of so-called “girl” movies.  Why is it that somehow, some people think that stupid movies aimed at primarily women are actually the women themselves faults?  If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s dudes (or the patriarchy’s rather) faults for not wanting to give up their privilege, trying to make us think that we’ll just settle for sub-par acting, and just want to have their babies all the time and enter some marriage deal.  Whatevs.  We all know the only reason guys went to see that movie was because of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s boobs.

5) Maverick

This was, bizarrely, my first movie date post-3rd grade.  We were both too shy to even look at each other, and now that I think about it, we were just as well suited to each other as a lesbian and some crazy racist religious misogynist in a boring and unfunny Western re-make– JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIE, GET IT??!?!  Just in case you were all wondering, I think he like manages a baseball team now.  I think things worked out like they should’ve for us.

Related posts:

1. Listen All Y’all, It’s A (Dating) Sabotage!
2. Sometimes Being Friends Is Better Than Dating Somone
3. Dating Lessons from Sue Ellen Crandell

This amazing drawing that sums up SF’s tourist perfectly comes from Townme.com

Lets face it — you’ve wanted to go there. You’ve wanted to have your cake and eat it too. There was never a moment where you thought maybe, just maybe, it might be totally exciting to get it on with someone out of town. Think about it — you can show them your part of the city, totally know where to go for cheap and watch them piss themselves while walking through The Mission at night! It sounds like the perfect date to me. If you’re looking for a tourist rendevous of your own, here are the top 7 places we think you should be more often…

As weird as it is, it's still pretty impressive

1. Union Square
Whether they’re tripping over the homeless dude with the dog and the rat and the cat or scrambling to get a picture of the tower in the middle of the square, the tourist is easily distracted. They’re bound to run into you, and probably on purpose. But its the perfect opportunity to show off your wealth of city knowledge if they just happen to be cute, isn’t it?

2. MUNI, specifically the F Car
I know, the last thing you want is some person asking you directions over your ipod blaring, but this is an extremely easy place to strike up a convo. Next time you’re headed to In-N-Out for a side of animal style fries, offer directions to an attractive stranger and your fries might come with a happy ending!

3. Gold Dust Lounge [Union Square Area]
As kitschy as can be, the Gold Dust is always a good place to resort to for cheap drinks and cheap company. But occasionally that perfect person saunters in, orders a manhattan and you know you’re in for a good time. The bartenders are so inattentive here that it will give you perfect time to strike up a conversation.

This photo is from some guy name Sergio’s picasa web thingy

4. Alamo Square Park [Western Addition]
Have you ever been here to lay out during the day? My roommates and I thought it would be funny to head here instead of Dolores one day. But I got asked by over 15 tourists for me to take their picture in front of the painted ladies. And most of them were girls. If there is one thing this park has, its lots of tanning girls, lots of puppies and lots of chances to get wild with a midwesterner that still thinks John Stamos has it goin on.

5. Musee Mechanique [Fisherman's Wharf]
Nothing gets a girl going like Laughing Sal on her best day. Seriously. Nothing.

Laughing Sal is SO Creepy!

6. Dolores Park [The Mission]
Even with the onslaught of the hipster generation taking over the grasses of our fine Dolores, recent writeups in various magazines and papers have the seekers of hip flocking to the sacred grounds. It’s true that nothing can go wrong here — but it’s even better when that Sunday lay doesn’t bump into you at Zeitgeist every now and again either.

7. The Buena Vista [Fisherman's Wharf]
Famed for their Irish Coffee recipe, it makes me sad that a place like the Vista is stuck in such a shitty part of town. But that being said, you might as well make the trip worth it and top it off with an Irish Breakfast the next day, right?

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I am passionate about many and varied things, but they all essentially boil down to one of the following: food, booze, sex or culture. It’s especially nice when one thing covers two or more of those categories. I get to kill a few birds with one stone, perhaps, and still have time to go for a run afterward. Excellent.

Tonight offers an opportunity just like that to similarly condom-loving New Yorkers. Planned Parenthood is holding a fundraiser at Cornerstone Tavern featuring delightful Sex Ed trivia (did you know that the United States has the highest rate of STI’s in an industrialized world? No glove, no love people) in subjects like sex in pop culture, historical feminism, contraception, orgasms and whatever else PP NYC feels like. There will also apparently be drink specials and prizes!  So there you have it: booze + sex + culture. Get in there.

Entry is a $10 suggested donation, which will go to a good cause AND is still cheaper than a movie.

Planned Parenthood Sex Ed Trivia
Cornerstone Tavern
961 Second Ave. (at 51st St.) [Midtown, Manhattan]
Tuesday, July 13th, 7:00 – 10:00pm
$10 suggested donation

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Ashley’s post about movies and TV from her childhood got me all worked up reminiscin’ about the various cultural items floating about in my head as a child and tween.  Like Ashley, I was incredibly tuned into the fact that if you looked like Nicole Eggert, you basically had it made for your teen years (general fun and dating-wise), and probably the rest of your life.

I’m going to make a terribly embarrassing confession.  When I was about seven years old, after viewing Warrant’s Cherry Pie video for the first time ever, it was then and there that I decided that THAT was what I wanted to look like.  And with my dummy child brain, I just assumed that I, a very dark-haired, bushy eyebrowed short girl would just magically somehow turn 16 and wake up looking like that Cherry Pie girl.  Long story short– boy am I glad that I ended up getting my degree in Women’s Studies.

So, anyway, here are some other problematic people I thought I was entitled to somehow look like so that boys would like me.  This may be the most embarrassing post I’ve ever written:

1) Suzanne Somers
There may not be another show that I watched in sheer volume as much as Three’s Company.  One thing was blatantly clear here: you can be dumb as rocks, but if you rollerskate around in athletic shorts, a bikini top, blonde hair, with a perfect tan, you win at everything and guys will literally be falling over themselves to get a chance to hear the inane things you have to say.  Janet who?

2) Brittany Daniel (Swans Crossing & Sweet Valley High)
Does anyone remember the amazingness that was Swans Crossing?  It seemed that for all of Sydney’s (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar) brilliant scheming and manipulation, Mila’s yawnsville ass (Brittany Daniel) always came out on top, and Garrett Booth would always like her better.  Whatever though, have you seen Airborne?  Mila can fucking HAVE Garrett with an extra side of gnar-gnar.

3) Blair from Facts of Life
If there was someone’s hair I coveted most, it’s this girl’s.  Her pompousness and vanity were like music to my ears.  How was her lipgloss always so perfect?!?  This is why I will never be able to break my OCD lipglass habit.  And truth be told, I kind of still try to dress like her.

4) Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani Amber Theissen)
There may not have been a more coveted girl in the early 90s.  Kelly was IT.  And she wasn’t even blonde!!  But she sure was boring and dumb!  So..like, a half-win?  I kinda liked her better a shady Brenda bitch replacement on 90210, anyway.  Though her breast implants on that show really unnerved me and she was never as hot to me as on Saved By The Bell when she was flat-chested and perpetually wearing leotards.

5) Daphne from Scooby Doo
The other night I got called “Velma” by this dude at Sweet Ups.  This really hit hard for me, because, as a child, I thought,  if I wasn’t going to have blonde hair in life, I was definitely going to have red hair, Daphne-style.  And possibly have a blond athletic-looking boyfriend named Fred.  Well, I guess at least that guy thought I was more capable of solving mysteries.

6) Pamela Anderson
Yes, yes I did watch Baywatch for a time.  And though I did think Nicole Eggert was generally more attractive, Pam Anderson was like UNREAL.  Clearly there were various surgical reasons for that.  The vulgarity levels were through the roof, and yet, I fell for it just like the rest of you have certainly done at some point.  Yes, I did want to look like her for a time, OK?  I really just like that David Charvet!!  I’ve been over it now for some time, but it feels good to finally admit it….kind of.

The irony of the whole thing is that if I embodied the overall essence of what some of these women appeared to be/were perceived as, the guys that would like me would  probably be the worst human beings on earth.  And I can attract that element no matter WHAT I look like!  In the words of someone’s probable yearbook sign off: Don’t Change! Always Stay Sweet/the Same!

Who were some of YOUR embarrassing role models, looks-wise?

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Or a “foreigner,” as your parents might think it’s hilarious to put it. Well, first off, congratulations! You’re dating someone, which is a critical first step. The second, equally important step is to continue dating them, and this is where problems arise.

Particularly with expats. For one thing, their stay in the U.S. is usually limited to the length of their student or work visa – six months, a year, whatever. This will make the whole thing more romantic, but also, yeah, kind of doomed. I would advise avoiding these relationships altogether, but let’s keep it real. Half the time resistance is futile. All a not-even-terribly-handsome New Zealander has to do is come up to me and be like, “I sound like Bret, from Flight of the Conchords! You find that prettttty attractive, don’t you?” And I’m like, psssh, it’s not that attractive. Ok, yes. Here’s my number.

So, since it’s bound to happen, here are some tips to make the whole fiasco less painful:

1) Prepare for fancy-ass dates

Don’t get me wrong, most of my favorite boyfriends have been super broke guys who, on a second date, considered it fine to take me to an abandoned warehouse by the river and then out for pizza. These dates, despite, um, involving trespassing, can be a ton of fun. That said, dating an expat is a MUCH CLASSIER affair. Instead of his roommate’s Lucky Charms, brunch will be Duck Liver Mousse and Poached Eggs Provencal. At first, you might be a little annoyed at having to sit up straight at breakfast and not rest your head on the table occasionally to ease your hangover. But after you taste the food you’ll probably realize ehh, it’s pretty awesome.

2) Preemptively ban the c-word

If he’s British, back home he and his buddies might casually throw around the c-word as a term of endearment, WEIRD as that is. They’ll be all, “Oy mate, be a c-word and get us a pint!” And no one will be shocked or offended. You have to nip this in the bud. Tell him that while you understand in the motherland it is apparently ok, in the U.S., no. Especially not as a nickname for you.

3) Have him teach you all the French/German/whatever swear words he knows

These are the first words you should learn in any language and certainly the most useful. Initially, they might sound comically not like swear words at all. “Merde!” Ha ha! But in time they’ll start to assume their proper offensiveness – especially if you frequently beat him in video games.

4) Figure out who the President or Prime Minister of his country is, and what party they belong to

As informed citizens, it’s probably good to know this stuff. Plus, no matter how tiny and politically irrelevant his country, you WILL feel like a moron when he gives you that look, like, “Vladimir Voronin’s term ended in 2009. Where have you BEEN?” Um, in a country that doesn’t care? All we learn in school is our own state capitals! And even then it’s like, only sort of.

5) Don’t be surprised if some of the stereotypes are true

OMG they really do love cheese!! Yeah. They do. Also, Irish guys love whiskey, and will drink it at times that most people wouldn’t necessarily equate with whiskey, like on the Chinatown bus to Boston at 11am.

6) Do not start affecting a retarded British accent

I shouldn’t have to say this at all because it should be PAINFULLY obvious, but this includes calling your friends “mates” or “blokes,” pronouncing Paris like “Pair-ee,” etc.

7) If he gets deported, and doesn’t know when or if he’s coming back, don’t wait for him

You could waste months of your life on Skype, or turn into one of those weird hermit people!

Related posts:

1. Listen All Y’all, It’s A (Dating) Sabotage!
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3. Sometimes Being Friends Is Better Than Dating Somone

If you’re a living, breathing twentysomething-year old woman with half a brain, chances are you also watched and were obsessed with Daria on MTV back in the day (sidenote: you know that shit’s out on DVD, right?!?).  Though on the surface, the characters were based on fairly broad stereotypes in the high school world, the whole reason Daria was so resonant to those who enjoyed it was because there was actual character development and depth to each of those Lawndale High Schoolers.

And this got me thinkin’, guys.  It got me thinkin’ reeeeeal nice-like in relation to sex and dating.  Are we doomed to forever repeat the patterns established when we first started to date in high school?  What do all of our individual snowflake-like dating idiosyncrasies all MEAN?!?  Vis-a-vis my mini-analysis of each of the following Lawndale High Schoolers, we’ll figure this crazy world out together, ok?  This is where you DECLARE, in your loudest outside voice, no matter where you are (even in ye olde library): “OK, ANNA G.!  LIKE DELORES VAN CARTIER IN SISTER ACT RE-APPROPRIATING A MOTOWN SONG FOR A CATHOLIC PRAYER, I WILL FOLLOW YOU WHEREVER YOU MAY GO!”:

Quinn
We can all find a little piece of ourselves in Quinn, can’t we?  Though it’s great to think yourself worthy of lots of attention, there is a degree to which that sort of line of thinking becomes, well, totally self-absorbed and unreasonable.  I think by the end of the series, Quinn started to realize that.  You know what’s really great to keep in mind?  Even if you don’t give a shit about people who may be really into you, they’re still human beings.  Also, not EVERYONE is going to love you, or even like you.  Even if it might actually seem that way now, there’s only so long you can coast by on that in life.  All I have to say is, I can’t wait until the MILF meme is dead so we can go back to (if we ever did in the first place?) looking at older women as human beings with more than one quality.

Brittany
Brittany is the type who tend to marry super, super young.  Hopefully once you’ve realized you married a Kevin and picked up a book or two (no, The Secret doesn’t count), you can reinvent yourself and drive your own life, rather than living in the shadow of a dimwitted has-been.  It’s never too late to live your life the way you want to, which may or may not include marriage at all.  The other path Brittany could’ve possibly taken is that of stripper– in which case, the same general rules apply: one should only do things for the right reasons, and not to please anyone else or because of lack of any other ideas.

Stacy
Stacy never really had much of a love life portrayed on the show, but given her “follower” mentality, I can see her as the accommodating, Tammy Wynette-like girlfriend to a gigantic Tucker Max-type tool.  Hopefully, like Sandy’s gaining weight translating into a loss of power in the last season, all of the Stacys of the world will finally grow some balls.

Daria
Oh, Daria.  Though she had little to no patience for just about anyone, she did have a soft spot for the semi-forbidden.  Namely, Trent, Jane’s spacey burnout brother, and Tom, Jane’s ex-boyfriend (!).  What we can learn from this is: (1) it’s ok to crush on a ridiculous hipstery losery guy every once in a blue moon.  It might even be only human (even Daria wasn’t immune, for fuck’s sake!), but it’s not a great idea to actually date them.  Rather, keep them as a friend.  it’ll work out much better in the long run.  (2) Once you’ve gotten over being unable to express your true feelings for someone, and that someone happens to be your best friend’s ex boyfriend, you should tread EXTRA carefully.  If it’s FOR REAL that you like them, your friend will get over it eventually, though it won’t be an easy road.  In conclusion, even smart girls make mistakes and aren’t perfect.  Furthermore, Daria’s attraction to certain “forbidden” people transcends and flies in the face of any sort of ridiculous slut/virgin dichotomy that dating columnists (and just about everyone who thinks they know a thing or two about a thing or two looooove to bring up as some sort of fact of nature).  I think discerning women with flaws like Daria will be just fine, y’all.

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1. More Cheap Clothes in Union Square! Daria on DVD!
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I am and always have been really against long distance relationships.  They’re either unbearably torturous or completely pointless, or maybe both.  Sometimes, though, you find yourselves the victims of circumstance, and you just kind of have to deal with it.  But how to deal?  Here are my nuggets of wisdom:

1) Think long and hard if this shit makes any sense whatsoever

If you don’t have any real plans to ever be together in the same city…like EVER, it kind of begs the question: what’s the point?  I mean, I guess if this type of relationship is fulfilling on both ends, then go for it.  But if either of you aren’t totally happy, then it’s ridiculous to try and fool yourselves, no matter how much you legitimately care for the person.

2) There needs to be incredibly clear rules with regards to seeing other people

Because god help you if you break the rules.  God. Help. You.  As far as being able to see other people vs not being able to see other people and all the complexities therein, respectively, that’s for you guys to decide.  All I’m saying is that it might be unreasonable, depending on the amount of time and the total length of relationship, to expect people to remain celibate.  That’s all I’m going to say.

3) Don’t make crazy and rash decisions with regards to the level of your relationship

If you probably wouldn’t get married (or move in together, or whatever) right now, it’s most likely not a great idea to rush into it because you feel pressured that you or your significant other is leaving, or you feel like you can’t go on living anymore if you continue to be apart from them.  If something doesn’t work out timing-wise, that’s just the way it goes sometimes.  Don’t try to force shit because you think you’ll never meet anyone like them again.  You most likely will.  There are tons of people in the world.  And even if you don’t meet anyone you remotely like for the rest of your life, who fucking cares?  At least you didn’t ruin your life for someone else.

4) Don’t become a weird hermit

Just because you’re sad you can’t be with your significant other, it doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with OTHER people you care about.  If you lock yourself up in your room every weekend, you’ll just alienate yourself from everyone who actually IS there and create a weird co-dependent relationship with your absent partner. Plus, not everyone can pull off that long beard and cloak look.

5) Maybe that kiss between you and that guy that you can’t get out of your head really does mean something

Listen, none of us are perfect.  As long as one makes a valiant effort to respect other people, and listen to your feelings, that’s all anyone can ever ask of one.  Maybe that kiss between you and Brody or whoever means that you really DO like Brody, or maybe it just means you’re not as into Marco in Vancouver as much as you thought you were.  I just thought I’d use name examples from the imaginary teen drama I made up in my head.

6) If at all possible, do not assign a sentimental indie rock song to your relationship

Because you will never, ever be able to listen to that song again without bursting out in tears and/or cringing.  Ever.  Sense memory is a sadistic and cliched sonofabitch.

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So far, June, for me, has been filled with a lot of torturous waiting for random guys to text me back. As it turns out, this is not a super fun theme for a month to have. Mostly it involves trying to determine whether he’s busy, the text I just sent was somehow retarded, or he honestly doesn’t check his phone obsessively like a normal person.

Of course, not all texts require a response. A conversation about tacos can go on for only so long. But for god’s sake, if I say I am getting “Landon Donovan 4EVA” full-color tattooed across my back, with soccer balls substituted for the “o’s,” umm, you should have an opinion on that.

So the question is: what is defined as a timely manner? Well, it depends. Not everyone has their phone practically welded to their hand. But unless they are incarcerated, or a member of the CIA, and, for security reasons, cannot allow anyone to triangulate their location, I’d say the cut-off is about 12 hours. After that they’re just being a dick. And bullshit excuses only make the whole thing worse, because then you know the person not only doesn’t care about talking to you, they also think you’re an idiot.

Bullshit reason 1) My phone inexplicably started writing in Sanskrit

Yeah. Because that happens allll the time. Number one, you probably couldn’t even identify Sanskrit if you saw it, and number two, how then did you switch it back to English? By consulting your Sanskrit-to-English dictionary? Fuck you, dude.

Bullshit reason 2) My sleep schedule is fucked

Sometimes the signals that a person is on lots of cocaine are obvious. For instance: they ask if you have any cocaine. But sometimes the signs are more subtle. Like when they regularly stay up all night timing how fast they can assemble Ikea furniture.

That said, there are some legit reasons for not replying to a text. These have all happened to me at some point or another, and I feel like they should generally be forgiven.

Extenuating circumstances: 1) Technical difficulties

My Blackberry is a piece of shit, and I frequently witness my texts being received anywhere between three to six hours after they have allegedly, successfully “sent”. As in, the person I’m halfway through dinner with will get my text “on my way!” when I am sitting right in front of them. Fucking phones.

2) Their phone died or they lost their charger

This happens to me a lot. When it starts freaking out that its battery is low and it doesn’t want to die, please help blah blah blah, I usually notice in enough time to alert all the people who will be incredibly distraught by this news, i.e., EVERYONE.

3) Someone just bought them Super Mario Galaxy 2 for their birthday

Getting a star in Super Mario Galaxy 2 can take anywhere from five minutes to a week. It requires intense focus and concentration. I will seriously have no awareness of my phone whatsoever.

4) They’re over 50 or they are my mom

Aww, moms. They’re confused by everrrything.

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2. 8 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Date This Summer
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The Patsy Cline radio station on Pandora has been ubiquitous in my room and in my earbuds for the past 2 weeks, at least.  Not only have I since been remarking that this is probably one of the best alone-time and inexpensive activities (and/or accompanying soundtracks to writing!) ever, but it kinda got me thinking about the type of female country vocalists I enjoy listening to during different times in life with relation to dating and such.

It’s kind of funny and antiquated or else very specific to old school country music, that vocalists or artists would create (or were created as) these very distinct personalities that are, though exaggerated, more relatable to the average country listener, than say, pop stars during that time, or even now.

Here’s what i mean:

Patsy Cline
Let’s face it, there would be no Neko Case without Patsy Cline.  Though Cline is mostly known for being perpetually heartbroken, there’s a certain quality or degree of depth and heartfelt-ed-ness that’s never overwrought that makes her, to me anyway, especially appealing.
Walking After Midnight is a fucking GREAT song for many reasons (oh, those Spongebob Squarepants slide-y guitars get me every time!), but I kind of like that she comes off as a little nuts (to say nothing of Crazy) and insecure and yet and not completely embarrassed by it.  It kind of makes me feel a little better about myself about my own facebook stalking problems.  Fun fact: Fiona Apple sometimes does a cover of this at shows.
I Fall To Pieces is great post-running into your ex or a failed romantic attempt.

Loretta Lynn
Something I’ve always found awesome is that Loretta and Patsy were besties!  Loretta, however, was a bit more characature-y in her Coal Miner’s Daughter (though it didn’t start out that way), Don’t Come Home A’ Drinkin (With Lovin’ on Your Mind) and (my favorite title of a song ever) Feelins slice-o-life type style of songs.  Though she can be problematic, feminism-wise (even though you ARE sort of clever and hilarious, I’m looking at you, Fist City and You Ain’t Woman Enough!), no one plays the put-upon wife quite like her.  I kinda like that she uses being underestimated as a woman/human being to her advantage to point out the injustices and double standards of societal structures. So what I’m saying is, it’s best to listen to her when your boyfriend cheats on you or if he’s being a dick in a very gendered way.

Tammy Wynette
Oh, Tammy.  She’s like an unfortunately misguided insecure friend, or the parts of your personality that disgust you the most.  She’s Country music’s resident “other woman” and asshole apologist.  You’re simultaneously repulsed but can empathize with her pathetic excuses, justifications, and reflections.  A great example of this is Stand By Your Man– a fucking GREAT song whose lyrics are fucking foul and insulting to both men and women.  Listen to this as a reverse psychology technique when you’re trying to talk yourself out an illicit affair or a bad relationship.

June Carter Cash
Though I haven’t listened to her much outside of a Johnny Cash context, I love that she’s the brash and fiery answer to Johnny’s casual misogyny.  They’re like a Hepburn-Tracy film!  And aren’t those the most exciting types of relationships?  Definitely listen to this when arguing with your boyfriend.

Dolly Parton
Much has been written about this country icon– one of my most favorite pieces being The AV Club’s Nathan Rabin’s here.  On a personal note (because you know, I’m usually so detached and formal), Dolly Parton back in the day physically resembles my mother, like A LOT– a fact that my mother, having the exact opposite personality from Parton, fucking HATES to be reminded of.  So Parton is kind of what I would imagine my mother to be like…if she were in all ways opposite, personality-wise.  And not that my mother isn’t sweet, but Parton has an incredibly genuine sweet quality in her voice that no one I can think of in terms of artists today really have except maybe Joanna Newsom.
Jolene is the fucking JAM!  Listen to it when you want to lay it all on the table and you’re coming to terms with, like, anything, really.

Emmylou Harris
Similar to Carter Cash, Harris is one of those people I haven’t really heard outside of backing/harmonizing like Gram Parsons or Conor Oberst or something (oh, and Nathan Rabin also wrote a great piece about her here).  But, damn, does she have an other-worldly voice with flawless pitch that will take you away.  You should either listen to her in the depths of heartbreak despair, or at the highest heights of being in love.

Random request: Can one of these women (who are still alive) do a cover of Dylan’s Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright, please?

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