Broke-Ass Stuart's Goddamn Website

Reasons to Raise Chickens in Your Backyard

Rebecca Pederson - Cheap Date — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 20:22:33 +0000

assholes

There’s this relatively new phenomenon happening right now called the Urban Farming Movement. (Check it out: even T.I. supports it!) My boyfriend, in particular, is really into it for two reasons: 1.) He fancies himself as a sort of misanthrope and really loves the idea of never having to unwillingly interact with the checkout guys at Trader Joe’s; and 2.) He’s really into preparing for an apocalypse. Subsequently, my boyfriend and I are the proud (owners? parents?) of three laying hens: Dax, Starbuck, and Blair Waldorf.

At first, I fucking hated them on a personal level, but I eventually learned to love them after discovering that owning chickens is really economical:

Personal security
Somebody who houses chickens in their backyard looks crazy. Just ask my neighbors. But I’m okay with it because it means that now no one will break into my house and steal my shit; any potential buglers assume that someone who houses chickens in their tiny backyard also marinates bodies in their bathtub. It’s called the Deliverance Effect — people don’t like to mess around with that country bumpkin bullshit. This scare tactic is way cheaper than renter’s insurance. (Seriously. I’ve looked into it.)

Free friends
At first, my neighbors wanted to kill me. And I don’t blame them. I kind of wanted to kill myself. But once I started passing out our extra eggs, they came around. Transparent assholes.

Training validates your spot on the top of the food chain
Chickens are borderline retarded, so they’re easy to manipulate. Their instincts tell them to wake up at sunrise, but if you make sure their coop is facing west, they won’t wake up until your hangover subsides. That – combined with the fact that you’re eating their unfertilized babies – makes you feel really powerful.

More free friends
As mentioned above, chickens are borderline retarded and thus fascinated by noise. So when you talk to them, they’re really alert and they really make you feel like what you’re saying is important. I know that getting personal validation from a chicken may be viewed by some as sad, but therapy’s expensive so hey, whatever works.

It quells those maternal instincts
Ladies, I don’t know about you, but sometimes I wake up and I really want a baby. It’s weird and irrational and the feeling’s not so strong that I’m gonna start poking holes in my condoms, but it’s there and I don’t like it. Raising chickens quickly helped me get over that bullshit. While putting the chickens to bed every night isn’t really a nuisance (unless I’m drunk and can’t manage to sidestep all the shit), it’s a lot easier than putting a crying baby to sleep. And chicken feed is a lot cheaper than an abortion anyway. (Trust me. I looked into this too.)

Timbuk2 Warehouse Sale

Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 18:37:55 +0000

If you have ever ridden a bike, own a bike, or know what a bike is, you’re probably familiar with the messenger bag. One of the sweetest types out there are a little local operation called Timbuk2. Maybe you’ve hear of them? Well even if you haven’t (seriously, who are you??) you will appreciate the MEGAULTRACRAZY SALE they are having today at their warehouse!! The site advertises 50 to 75% off messenger bags, backpacks and accesories. These bags aren’t cheap, but they are amazingly good quality and will stand up to the elements (a la stupid little asshole dogs peeing on your bag in the park). Zoom on down to Alabama and 16th and get yourself some sweet-ass deals your coupon clipping ma would be proud of.

Timbuk2 Warehouse Sale
Saturday, March 13, 10:30 AM – 3:00 PM
333 Alabama St. (at 16th St.) [Potrero]
50 to 75% Off The Goods

More Travel Porn: Jetsetter

Christine Witmer - Sparing Stringer — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 17:06:21 +0000

With the recent amazing weather in New York, you may have forgotten that we are still smack-dab in the middle of resort season. Those of us who don’t winter in St.Barts are less likely to pay attention to those seasonal designations but that doesn’t change the fact that it is indeed a time when people are supposed to leave the confines of the city for sandy-er, more balmy destinations.

I, myself, have only been to a resort but a few times. In eight grade my family went to Bermuda. We had a great time, notwithstanding the third degree sunburn I received. I was incapacitated by it and was forced to bribe my stepsister into fanning me with a magazine to cool my burning flesh. Even with my burn, I still wanted to continue going to the beach. Alas, my parents forced me to go to some lame fort instead of snorkeling and swimming in 75 degree water. I have held on to that pain for a long time now. At the time, I assuaged my pain as any 14 year old would with about 70 virgin pina coladas. That helped. Fort field trip, aside, we still had a lot of good old fashioned family fun.

I aspire to return some day to a resort. One where I can spend as much time on the beach as I want…and ride a moped…and parasail…take that dad!

My hopes for this venture have been heightened since I heard about Jetsetter. Jetsetter is a service brought to you by the same people who began the shopping craze Gilt Group. Jetsetter, however, is specific to luxury travel. All you have to do is sign up online at www.jetsetter.com. The sales last for a few short days and supply members with offers for deeply discounted hotels across the globe. Since Jetsetter operates on a first come, first served basis, you need to place a deposit to hold the rate and the date through the website. Jetsetter sends you weekly emails that preview the sales complete with photos of the property and an interactive calendar of available dates. Another benefit to using Jetsetter is that you receive a $25 credit when someone you referred to membership books a hotel through their site. At this point, I am putting all my eggs into this basket as this seems like it will be the only way I can save up enough to actually afford to go on a trip myself.

If you are like me and you have no funds to travel, Jetsetter has an effect similar to what Stuart was talking about in his post about cheap airfare…it becomes travel porn. Day after day I receive updates about the flavor-of-the-week…what new and exotic piece of property I can gawk at on Jetsetter. They almost fool me into thinking I can have those luscious honeys for myself. I look at them all, irregardless of location or style. I salivate at the pictures, sometimes I even let the fantasy go to where I allow myself to click on the dates that I would want to travel. It is an elaborate tease really since I have no intention of going.

Pathetic?

Maybe.

A necessary evil?

Definitely.

So join Jetsetter if you want to go on an luxury trip for less, or if you just want to tease yourself with the unrealistic hope of resort travel.

Hair: Awesome Salon in Greenpoint

Kiley E - Ragamuffin Researcher — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 17:03:58 +0000

I’ll wear clothes that are falling apart, I only put on make up for job interviews, but I feel like less of a person when my hair looks like shit. But the idea of spending $60+ on a haircut makes me want to vomit. So since moving to New York, I’ve stuck to beauty schools and salons that charge $20 as long as you get your hair blow dried. Last week, I reached the point where I couldn’t put off a haircut any longer: I could put it into a ponytail. But I decided I couldn’t handle another 30 minutes of sitting in the salon chair feeling like the stylist is in a hurry and worrying that they’re going to give me an indie/Euro mullet without my consent, all while listening to fresh 107fm. So I set to the internet in search of someplace new, and found Hair, a tiny salon in Greenpoint.

Kim, the owner, gives a kick ass cut. She’s steadily booked, but she takes the time to study your hair and figure out what it needs. She speaks to your cowlicks calmly and tries to snip them into submission. She explains first and cuts second. I walked out of the salon bouncing and frolicking a bit through the rain because I haven’t had a hair cut this good in years. And the best part is her rates are really reasonable: $25 for guys and $45 for girls.

Hair
1008 Manhattan Avenue between Huron and Green Streets [Greenpoint, Brooklyn]
Monday, Wednesday, Thursday 10 am to 7 pm
Fridays 10 am to 8 pm
Saturday 9 am to 4 pm
For appointments call (718) 594-6765

Best Place in SF to Get Cheap BBQ and Beer

Rebecca Pederson - Cheap Date — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 22:41:00 +0000

I’m gonna be really real right now: the only thing that gets me wetter than fantasizing about making it with one of Marva Whitney’s back-up dancers is basking in the sun and eating some down home, backyard barbeque. You can imagine my reaction, then, when I heard about Hard French, the new outdoor soul dance party happening the first Saturday of every month. Party hosts DJ Carnita and DJ Brown Amy spin classic soul hits in the midday sun – and they do it real vinyl, not from their iPods like some stupid DJ AM shit. And here’s the kicker that made me cream: for just $10, you get access to this party plus all-you-can-eat barbeque and all-you-can-drink beer. It’s a broke-ass bonanza!

The party is held at El Rio. I’ll be honest: I’m on the fence about a lot of gay bars. I mostly love them because the drinks are stiff and the thrills are cheap. But a lot of times, they can be a Lady Gaga, STD, weird anal bead chandelier bummer. While Hard French prides itself on attracting a sexually ambitious/ambiguous kind of crowd, this party is by no means gross orgy with a bunch of homos. It’s about hard dancing, hard soul, and Hard Frenching. If you’re gay – great. If you’re straight – that’s okay too. And if you’re neither, there’s always the barbeque.

Five Things You Could’ve Done This Weekend With That Extra Hour

Andrew Dalton - Aggressive Panhandler — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 21:01:32 +0000

I don't know what the hell this little guy is so happy about.

Daylight Savings Time is an annoying, outdated piece of shit. I mean, I know we all love the week after it starts when the days are longer, because drinking is so much less depressing when you get to do it outside in the sun all afternoon instead of heading inside at 4pm, and the beers are cheaper when you buy them from the cornerstore anyway. But you know what? If we didn’t have Daylight Savings Time, the days would still get longer just by, you know, the natural movement of the Earth around the sun. So, yeah, fuck daylight savings time. The worst part is that this Saturday night/Sunday morning, you lose a precious hour of time that you already don’t have. To give you a general idea of the things you could have done with that hour, I’ve come up with this handy list:

1.) Sleep off that hangover: Obviously! I don’t know about you guys, but when I pass out in bed after a long night of drinking, I hardly even notice I slept. That’s why the key to sleeping in after a hangover is to wake-up, grab a glass of water and some advil and go back to sleep. But when you wake up thinking it’s 8am when it’s actually 9 you’re just burning those precious daylight hours you waited so long to get back.

2.) McDonald’s Breakfast: Look, I hate to break it to you, but you’re going to miss McDonald’s breakfast again. You’re probably only going there because you overslept (see point 1) and all your friends went to a real brunch at some place delicious. On the bright side, if you get there right as breakfast is ending try to get them to make you a Mc10:35 and let us know how that works out for your cardiovascular health.

The Mc10:35 - an unholy union of Egg McMuffin and McDouble

3.) Morning Sex: Nature’s hangover cure. But you missed out because (again) you overslept and now it’s almost noon and holy crap! she’s got to go! her friends are going to think she’s dead in a ditch somewhere! don’t you have an automatic alarm clock?

4.) Reading the Sunday New York Times: I’ve only done this once, but it was back in 2006 and a new Coldplay album had just come out and I couldn’t read more than half a page of that review before it ruined the whole “sitting in the sun, with a cup of coffee, reading the Sunday Times” thing for me. A lot of other people love this though (I think a white chick probably talked about it in a rom-com one time.) But! You won’t have time for that this weekend anyway, you lost that hour remember? [Note: This doesn't apply to us in SF because no one actually likes the Chronicle and we all just sit in trendy coffee shops with our Macbooks anyway.]

5.) Catching Up On Work Before the Week Starts: Haha, just kidding! Right, guys? Just go outside and have a beer before the sun goes down again.

Mango Madness at Pinkberry – FREE Samples!

Mikey Rox - Cut-Rate Copywriter — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 19:30:32 +0000

As far as fro-yo goes, Pinkberry is top of the pops.

Nevermind that the Los Angeles-based brand had to battle a whole bunch of haters who claimed that its tangy-sweet swirls weren’t as healthy as one might think. BFD, I say. Just look at it. It’s subzero, soft-serve sourness in the guise of ice cream, for chrissakes. Did anyone reeeeally think that a mystery concoction topped with Fruity Pebbles and pineapple was part of a well-balanced diet? Get real already. And go to the fucking gym while you’re at it.

For the rest of you who enjoy velvety naughtiness every now and then, Pinkberry is calling your name. Actually, it’s seductively whispering fermented-milk nothings into your ears. Can you hear it? It’s saying, “Hey, fat ass, I’m free. Come. And. Get it.”

All right, that was me talking; Pinkberry wouldn’t be so snide. On the contrary, it’s being super awesome today by handing out samples of its newest flavor, mango. Just stop by your favorite shop from 5 to 9pm to score your gratis 3 oz. mini-cup.

But take the long way home – OK? You know that fake fruit is goin’ straight to your hips.

Mango Swirl Samples
Friday, March 12
Pinkberry Locations
5 – 9pm
FREE

Look Good While Doing the Walk of Shame

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 17:18:57 +0000

Anna G’s Guide to The Walk of Shame

We’ve all been there: the day after unplanned sex. Whether you’re gearing to get the hell out of there as soon as humanly possible, need to make the inevitable trek home after an amazing morningtime fuckfest, or just need to head to brunch and slam down a few bloody marys to take away the horrible, horrible pounding in your head…you’re gonna need to go outside at some point…in the potentially night-based selection of clothing you wore last night.

Well, that’s why I’m here: to help throw your broke, drunken, slutty ass a fucking bone. No pun intended.

Before you go out on the town….

1. Try your hardest to stick an extra shirt and/or leggings or skirt in your purse. If you’re not carrying a purse, try & stick it in your coat or jacket, if possible. If it’s summer, you can maybe try stuffing a small tank somewhere, or you can wear a tank under a different shirt the night before.

2. Always bring gum

3. Never wear fake eyelashes or glitter. EVER. There is no conceivable reason anyone over the age of 16 should be wearing glitter anyway. Unless you’re a clown. In which case, ew, you people make me sick.

It’s too late, and you didn’t prepare in the slightest…

1. If you’re wearing a weird fancy & relatively thin layer on top of a tank, if you don’t mind it getting either wrinkled a little, you can try fashioning one of them into a belt or hairtie. Keep in mind, this can go horribly awry depending on the thickness and texture, so if you can, try it on before you go anywhere.

2. Pull a Kate Moss. If you’re wearing a long dress & it rips, make it a minidress and work it. If it’s from Forever 21 or H&M, you can just rip it yourself. Trust me, it’ll probably be the last time you can ever wear it anyway, rip or no rip.

3. In the summer, flip flops are fairly inexpensive and comfortable footwear. Buying these at your nearest opportunity can be a hell of a less price to pay than making the trek in heels you’ve probably injured yourself trying to walk in, in the first place. As a general rule on high heels– if you don’t remember feeling pain the night before, you’re sure as hell going to feel it now.

4. Applying a new layer of mascara can freshen up your face overall, except if your face is already smeared with old mascara, in which case, wash that face off your head, bitch!

5. If possible, borrow a shirt from the person you’ve diddled. Sometime is can be all you need to look normal. Plus, they really didn’t need that shirt anyway…

Happy slutting!

top photo from Glamour

Writers with Drinks This Saturday

Christy Jovanelly - Cheapskate Commentator — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 17:08:40 +0000

Oh, yeah. Definitely a writer.

I feel like it was fated, like I was meant to post about Saturday’s Writers With Drinks at The Make-Out Room. Why? Because a few weeks ago, after deciding I was too bored at the gym to work out for more than five minutes without stimulation that did not involve SportsCenter or The Real Housewives of Orange County, I spent $2.99 on the new This American Life app for my phone, which allows me to access every broadcast since the show’s inception. Yay, Ira! So today, as I climbed approximately 78 flights of stairs without getting anywhere, I listened to an episode from 2004, and one of the hilarious stories — one that I wish hadn’t been so hilarious because it’s really creepy to laugh out loud while utilizing a Stairmaster — was contributed by Beth Lisick, who just so happens to be the guest host of Writers With Drinks tomorrow. No way that’s a coincidence. Just no way.

If you haven’t been to Writers With Drinks, it’s time. It’s described online in a lot of places as a “spoken word variety show,” but that’s a shitty description because it doesn’t tell you anything. Basically, each monthly edition of Writers With Drinks is a like a normal reading featuring a handful of writers, except fun and with beer involved. Many times the performers are writers from different genres, which means in one night, you could be horrified (0r aroused?) by some weird-ass sci-fi erotica, then laughing so hard at a non-fiction account of time spent as Danny DeVito’s personal assistant that $2 PBR comes spraying out of your nose, then desperately holding back tears because FINE, maybe that poem DID make you feel something. Oh, and the writers they get are legit, like Mary Gaitskill and Jerry Stahl, who are performing this weekend.

Doors open at 7pm, but if you really plan to get inside, come around 6-ish. There WILL be a line. Just know that this thing is so popular that if you do get in, you won’t be able to move for the next two hours. Which is cool because 1. It’s worth it, and 2. You will be at a place called “The Make-Out Room.” Just take a peek at the wedding ring finger of your target before you sneak attack them on the mouth. If it’s bare, you’re good to go.

The best part about Writers With Drinks, besides the writers, I guess, or the cheap booze at the Make-Out Room, is that the cost is on a sliding scale. I love the words “sliding scale,” because they make three crumpled one-dollar bills, strategically placed to look like a much larger wad of cash (or at least the $5 minimum), an acceptable form of payment. Yeah, I’m THAT cheap.

Writers With Drinks
Saturday 3/13
7:30pm-9:30pm
The Make-Out Room
3225 22nd St.
[Mission]
$5-$10 sliding scale

Awesome Shows at Glasslands

Kiley E - Ragamuffin Researcher — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 14:02:12 +0000

photo from Brooklyn Vegan

Not to sound like the narrator on a commercial for some kind of cheesy, third-rate family amusement park (the kind who can’t even afford licensing for real cartoon characters), but there really is something for everyone at Glasslands Gallery. It’s the kind of place where you an meet dudes’ in women’s underwear, professional wrestlers, and rage it on the dance floor until 5am. If for some reason you get bored of the DJs or bands, the walls are always covered in artfully placed oven mitts or fake trees. But they usually book great DJs and bands, so there’s no need to stare in boredom. For example, they’ve got awesome bands booked for the next two nights. Tonight is Santino Santino with members of Ratatat, Himalaya, The Shining Twins and Baby Fangs with members of the Willowz with free beer and a dance party afterward. Tomorrow night for $8, you can see ArpLine, Letting Up Despite Great Faults, Home Video, Million Young, Love Like Deloreans and Mystery Roar. And as a bonus, go to ArpLine’s website and download their new album for FREE.

Shows at Glasslands Gallery
289 Kent Avenue at S1 Street [Williamsburg]
Wednesday, March 10, 9:30pm
Thursdays, March 11, 7:30pm