Until a few days ago I thought I was dwelling on the bottom floor of a dietary basement: rice burritos twice a day, occasionally with salsa and sour cream. Then, one dreary noon, I fell through the weak foundation into a secret cellar and found myself stooping over a ramen burrito. That is, an unholy marriage of rice and ramen wrapped in a burrito. It is both depressing and difficult to eat noodles in a tortilla. It got me thinking, I should probably just move my entire life online. When reality becomes to hard to confront, go virtual. The same goes for dating. Fug it. If you were thinking about taking the plunge into legitimate online dating, you might as well start this weekend because eHarmony has an offer: 4 days of free communication.
eHarmony has a pretty high success rate because it skews old (read: desperate) and has annoying things called standards. But, with your own desperation and the magic of remote lying you can overcome these little obstacles. The only real reason I’m suggesting this over others though is that beginning today, new and existing users will be able to communicate with matches for free, although you still have to follow something called the “four stage Guided Communication approach”. I have no idea what that means, but it could go something like this.
User (me): Hey ChefdeAmor! I’m so glad that we matched. I’d love to meet you in person! Would you like to buy me a drink this weekend?
eHarmony Guided Communication Approach monitor (EGCAM): Oliver, we noticed that you have chosen “Hey” as a salutation. We suggest a more formal, professional salutation. Please re-submit your message for member Chefdeamor.
Me: Good Afternoon Chefdeamor. I’m so glad that we share some of the same interests. Just last week I was making profiteroles from scratch. I would love to get together sometime this week for drinks, ideally after 11 pm. Please have eaten dinner already!
EGCAM: Oliver, our authenticity safeguard software has flagged this message because it contradicts a statement our robots spidered on Broke-Ass Stuart. Please re-submit your message for member Chefdeamor.
Me: Good day, ma’am. Fancy us sharing the common interest of food preparation. I would love the opportunity to take you out to dinner.
EGCAM: Oliver, we are happy to inform you that your message to Chefdeamor has been approved. However, we regret to inform you that our system has detected a problem with your profile photo. Because of our strict honesty policy, we please request that you abstain from using manipulated images and posting them as true representations of yourself (additionally, if you feel you need to fake an image, our research shows that not many women respond favorably to Capt. Jack Sparrow’s head pasted onto Dolph Lundgren’s body) Please make the necessary adjustment to your profile photo and re-log in tomorrow.
EGCAM: Dear Oliver, we would like to remind you that our Memorial Day promotion ends this morning at 12:01 am. Please be advised that in order to continue your pending communication with Chefdeamor you will need to upgrade your membership.
Yea, I bet that is what it is like. Free virtual communication ends Monday. Real life communication remains free.
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