Democracy: The FREE Way to Prevent Certain A-holes From Becoming Governor

Tomorrow is election day, so now would be a good time to figure out first, what the hell we are all voting on and second, where you will do this.

The big race is for governor. This choice is pretty easy. Basically, if you vote for Carl Paladino, we are no longer friends. Even if you vote for him sarcastically, to be funny. Voting machines cannot detect sarcasm!!

Carl Paladino, explaining why you shouldn’t vote for him, in his own words. First, Paladino on gay pride parades:

“They wear these little Speedos and they grind up against each other and it’s just a terrible thing.”

On the Islamic cultural center in lower manhattan:

“…it is disrespectful to the thousands who died on 9-11 and their families, insulting to the thousands of troops who’ve been killed or injured in the ensuing wars and an affront to American people. And it must be stopped.”

On forwarding emails of a woman having sex with a horse:

“I am totally forwarding this email.”

However, Carl Paladino is not the only jerk running for office — there are lots of other candidates on the ballot, so check out NPR’s election guide to read up on the issues and find your polling place. And don’t forget to wear your “I Voted” sticker! That way, we dutiful citizens can high-five each other on the street.

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About the author

Katy B. - Economic Inexpert

Katy B. grew up in Grand Rapids, Michigan, the home of Gerald R. Ford, Andy Richter, and, at one point, the guy who wrote Mr. Holland’s Opus. She moved to NYC for her degree in library science, and is now in the Media Studies program at The New School. She hopes to one day be a film studies librarian. Ask her anything about Dewey Decimal – anything! – and she will roll her eyes because academic libraries use Library of Congress. Durrr.