When you first move to New York, you obviously want to get a lay of the land, meet some new people, and not be a wet blanket, generally. But, like, sometimes you just have to say no. Sometimes you really should be saving money and not pretending that being slowly suffocated by a bunch of assholes is fun. I mean, to a certain degree there’s a certain rite of passage with some of these, and if you’re like me, you always only learn the hard way. Consider this your heads-up, if anything.
Here is a list of party/event descriptors that should set off a red flag/alert in your brain:
1) “It’s a party in Tribeca, but I don’t know the exact address”
Unless you live in Tribeca for some reason, it’s a total pain in the ass to get to and from there on the subway, and even harder sometimes to hail a cab. Plus, if your party isn’t at a bar in Tribeca, good fucking luck finding alternate plans in the area.
2) “It’s gonna be really fun, but it’s a $20 cover”
If there isn’t an open bar, there is no possible way this can be fun. For these types of things, only go if you’re on a list and can get in for free and don’t have to wait in line at all/for very long.
3) “It’s in an abandoned warehouse, and there’s going to be like giant spools and people on stilts!”
Yes, yes, spectacle. But sometimes those types of parties can be ALL spectacle, and like, no booze….or trash cans. Yes, the DJ is, in fact 12, and all the guys here are either also 12 or wearing baseball hats. When you think about it, though, what’s the difference? Also, even if New York’s hottest club is Wesh, do you really want to know what answers the question: Huh?
4) “– Buzz Band of the Moment– is going to be there, and it’s free”
Unless you want to hang out with every single student currently in attendance at NYU, forget it. This pretty much also applies to any show that allows the 18 plus.
5) “Come to my one-man show”
Well, just get ready for this. If you want to wish you were dead for an hour and a half, be my guest.