‘Twas a Broke-Ass Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas

And low and behold

Not a gift had been purchased

Not even some coal.

What was a broke-ass to do

In an economy like this

Better trust in Santa -

Or go steal some gifts.

I scoped out my hood

Creepin’ in all the windows

Snatching my presents up

From dumb suburbian bimbos.

I went to the Goodwill

And wore a big jacket

While the clerk wasn’t looking

I went ahead and packed it.

I went to the canned food drive

These fools were so silly

I scored Christmas dinner

And even a six-pack to get shwilly.

The later it got

The more ideas came to mind

I head to the church

For midnight mass and some wine.

When they passed me that basket

To put in some donations,

I scooped it all up

Without a second contemplation.

I hit up the 24-hour market

And bought some cheap crap

To give to my family

Something they could at least unwrap.

That night I went to bed

Feeling quite satisfied

That in the morning when I woke up

They’d see that Santa didn’t die.

The kids could open their stockings

Getting those expired chocolate bars

And spend the day playing

With the second hand toy cars.

‘Twas a Broke-Ass Christmas

But I didn’t care

Everybody was happy

And I had some change to spare!

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About the author

Heidi Smith - The Ultimate Scavenger

Originally from San Diego, Heidi migrated north to study journalism at SFSU and interned for the SF Bay Guardian writing music stuff. She later embarked on a study-abroad program in both Denmark and Holland, and basically never came home. For six long years, she froze her ass off in Oslo, Norway, pretending to be a viking princess, trying to figure out how to survive in the most expensive city in the world. The other two years were spent frolicking on the beach in Spain - sipping on sangria in between being tossed around Europe working as a stressed-out journalist. Heidi currently works at for a non-profit cultural exchange program, helping others experience life from a different perspective. She is thrilled to be back in SF, magnetizing the obscure, and scavenging the city for fun, free things to do.