Broke-Ass Style 2012: How to Look Good When The World Ends

The holidays have officially passed, and New Year’s Eve is just a few days away.  You know what that means– it’s almost 2012.  2012– the year that The World As We Know It is supposed to end, according to the Mayan calendar.  2012– the year that we’ll apparently be punished for living life so fast, and be invaded by aliens, destroyed by natural disasters, or affected by some other cray-cray society-altering events.  It’s best to start preparing for impending doom now– and what better place to start than your wardrobe?  I don’t care what your parents told you, appearances are important– do you wanna go out looking like a ragamuffin?  I think not.  Whether you believe that the world will end within the next year or not, at least you’ll look fly in 2012.

There are multiple ways you can infuse your wardrobe with a little Apocalyptic style.  But before you go whipping out your clear vinyl trench and boa constrictor in your best attempt to capture the essence of Blade Runner– I ask you to consider these two inspirations which are significantly less slutty/deadly, and much easier to achieve on a broke-ass budget:

Y: Do I Look So Good?:  Once, for a fashion design class, I created a collection inspired by the mind-bogglingly awesome comic book series Y: The Last Man.  Everyone in my class thought I was insane (let’s be real– they were probably correct)– their inspirations were all like “ballerinas,” or “architecture,” or “Marie Antoinette,” rather than a nerdy comic book.  For those of you who haven’t read Y: The Last Man, get yourself in contact with the nearest geek, post haste!  It is totally the best thing ever!  The series centers around a mysterious plague that kills all of the men on Earth… except Yorick Brown (a 23 year old, broke, Brooklyn hipster/freelance escape artist) and his pet monkey, Ampersand.

 Yorick sets out to find his girlfriend (who is somewhere in Australia on a grad program), amidst a society that has been completely overturned politically and socially– overrun with Amazons, lesbian biker gangs, lady pirates, government conspiracies, science experiments gone awry, opium addiction, and a lot more.  Seriously, the world gets pretty wild after the demise of dude-bros.

I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to look like you’re living in an all-female dystopian society full of badass bitches, 2012 or not.  Channel Yorick and Co. in unisex outfits and utilitarian pieces that will protect you from the vicious lady war going on.  Menswear-style button-ups and trousers from the Salvation Army will give you that Rosie the Riveter-esque tough girl look, and oversized army jackets and canvas backpacks from the military surplus store are both functional and look post-Apocalyptically cool.

Other suggestions include: anoraks, hooded ponchos, and tough boots, all which can be found for cheap in thrift stores or on eBay.  Finish off with some Amazon-esque warrior braids and bright, ridiculous girl gang makeup to keep the look from being too army drab.

Getting a Little Spacey:  I recently posted this as my Facebook status:

“After weeks of mulling it over, I think I have finally nailed my fashion inspiration for this season: Albuquerque Community College Modern Dance Instructor Circa 1995.  Interests include: sashay-ing, ceramics class, leotards, dangly earrings, and conspiracy theories.”

Little did I know that my fashion inspiration already exists in cyberspace, in the form of a satirical Twitter called Your Aunt Diane (thanks to my friend Noël for turning me on to this treasure!).  Your Aunt Diane is the type of menopausal lady that I one day wish to be: a jewelry-making, macrobiotic food eating, tantric sex-loving, lunar cycle-worshipping, conspiracy theorist who’s pet crystal skull told her that aliens are going to take over the Earth in 2012.

 

Getting the Aunt Diane look is cheap and easy:  buy a long, flowy skirt from the nearest thrift store (or anywhere… even Target carries them), and dig out that leotard from when you took ballet in college and were the worst in the class and maybe cried when no one in your class wanted you in their group for the final performance (just me?).  Pile on all of the jewelry you own, and stop conditioning hair so that it gets all long and frizzy.

Next, sign onto OKCupid and find yourself a younger lover from an exotic land, then publicly talk about your active sex life to a point where it makes others uncomfortable.  Start selling your handmade crystal jewelry on Etsy under the username SucklingSheWolf1969.  Move to New Mexico and talk about UFOs a lot.

Just because you’re broke and the world is going to end doesn’t mean you have to look like an extra in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (a movie which, I must confess, I could only stomach the first ten minutes of because portrayed my biggest fear: looking like a homeless person!).  Forget piling on tattered rags and pushing around shopping carts a la The Road– you’ll look good this Apocalypse by adding a little unisex comic book charm or wacky New Agedness to your wardrobe.  Those Mayans may have predicted the end of the world, but they never could have predicted that you would look so damn fine!

Photo credit: Prog464, Unreality, Green 21, Army Navy Deals, Hair Addiction, Funny or Die, Target, Amazon, World Mysteries

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About the author

Carrie Laven - Pretty Penniless

Carrie Laven is a natural-born storyteller from California, but she lives in New York now. She likes dogs, nail art, and Mexican food, but mostly she likes scoring sweet deals at thrift stores. She tends to have a flair for the dramatic.