Too Broke To Go To The Theater…Or Not

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Over the last couple of weeks my co-workers have tried to convince me to hang out with them by going to the movies. I have refused their invites many times. Due to these rejections, they’re currently under the impression that I don’t want to be around them outside of work. I can see why they would think that because each time they propose to go see a new movie, I’m coming up with all types of reasons why I won’t watch them. I don’t think they grasp the fact that I have high standards when it comes to watching movies. I have even higher standards when having to shell out $13 for admission, sometimes up to $20 for IMAX or 3-D, or both.

That’s just admission. Then you have the theater’s money maker: the concession stand. I mean sure, I could easily drop up to $40 to go see a shitty movie like “Project X” and purchase some stale popcorn that’s been sitting there since Thanksgiving. But I’d rather sit at home in my boxers, eating a burrito from my local taco truck and watch “Project X” at my own leisure…for FREE. Yes, folks, you and I know that in this vast land of the inter-webs it is possible to find a decent screener of a movie currently playing at your local theater. I personally don’t consider it stealing, I consider it to be a warning to Hollywood to put a cease to all visual pollution at the cinemas. Few movies get my money. You want to know the last movie I paid for? “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.” That was a great film. I might even purchase the Blu-ray, it’s that good.

Yes, I understand how the quarterly releases work in Hollywood. The first quarter you get movies that should have never seen the light of day; second quarter you get a few gems but nothing spectacular; third quarter has the summer blockbusters and explosions; and the fourth quarter is full of seasonal/holiday films and the Oscar nominated material. Still, the movie going experience should be better for the amount of money I’m shelling out.

First things first, NOT ALL MOVIES ARE WORTHY OF 3-D OR IMAX. In the last four years only three movies are worth experiencing in either or both forms of technology. They are “The Dark Knight,” “Avatar” and “Transformers 3.” I don’t need to see “Sex and The City” in 3-D. Sarah Jessica Parker’s nose is already coming off the screen in standard vision, thank you. Which brings me to my next point. If these movies aren’t being projected in high-definition, wouldn’t it make sense to view them at home on Blu-ray or through Netflix? The experience would be better if that’s the case.

Secondly, popcorn is cool and I’m usually a traditionalist, but maybe we should add something healthier on the menu. You know, wouldn’t want the customers having a heart-attack midway through the new “Monsters Inc.” movie. It’s wishful thinking on my part but it appears that I’m forever doomed to keep sneaking in a five course meal into Loews Theaters.

Lastly, I’d like to give a shout-out to those theaters in New York that were temporarily shut down, due to their infestation of bed bugs a couple of years ago. Keep up the good work, guys. You definitely kept a lot of money in my pockets.

Photo Credit: avclub.com

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Enrique Grijalva - Mr. Minimum Wage

My father came, my mother saw...and I conquered. I encourage children to do drugs, I buy alcohol for teenagers, and I drink beer with the homeless. In my spare time, I attend art galleries for the FREE booze, I rub elbows with modish elephants, and I hammer six-inch nails into small penises. Stuart knighted me as Broke-Ass King of New York. You've been warned.

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