5 Reasons Flip-Flops are Terrible in NYC
#1. Subway Juice
Everyone knows that you don’t wear flip-flops if you are broke-ass and have to take the train. Why? Subway juice! You never know if that liquid you just stepped in is water leaking, some guy’s pee, some girl’s puke, or some Colt 45 a dude wasted on the platform. Are you going to chance it? No. Because those of us that have done this dumb shit never quite get over that feeling when you get mystery liquid, full of more bacteria than a toilet in Thailand, on your naked flip-flop wearing feet.
#2. Side-walks Become Slip ‘N Slides
I’ll never forget the time I bit right in the middle of the street. I was walking all sassy to meet some guy for a damn date, and my flip-flops launched me down the sidewalk like I was on a slip ‘n slide. I know what you’re thinking, “Why in the hell was I wearing flip-flops to a date?” New York turns into the white hot hubs of hell in the summer. It was flip-flops or roll up soaking wet? And you know what happened. I got wet alright, and not in a good way. You’ll Carrie Bradshaw it if you wear flip-flops on a rainy day in NY. Don’t be that guy…or girl.
#3. No More New York Minutes
If you live in New York, you got places to be and in a New York Minute. I don’t have time to be walking behind some slow ass mo’ fo’ on a Friday when I’m trying to make happy hour and score a free slice of cheese with my damn $3 pint. “Move Bitch, get out the way.” Flip-flops slow you down. Well, some crazy cool students at Auburn University say so. I mean, they could be curing cancer or AIDS but why not do a study on flip-flops. Seems legit.
#4. Blister in The Sun
You think in the back of your mind that flip-flops are comfy little aids to help your body breath on a disgustingly “hot as balls” day in the middle of the city. But! That sweet ass bedazzled bad boys you bought at some designer thrift shop are gonna rub blisters onto your fucking feet. You won’t notice at first, but as soon as you get to work or the bar — you’ll notice a slight sting. The next morning you won’t be able to wear shoes at all because you have puss filled pockets all over your dogs.
#5. People Will Judge You
I rolled into Sak’s Fifth Avenue looking for a dress. I’m on the designer dress floor. I have never bought a straight up designer dress at a place like Sak’s before, but I had the money to and I was going to Cannes for the world premiere of a film I wrote. I needed to look good.
But, no one will help me. The sales women won’t look at me. They won’t address me. At one point, one literally mowed me down. I said, “Excuse me.” She didn’t even acknowledge my presence. So, I left upset. I’m standing by the elevator and this sales lady looks at me, scans me up and down, and gives me the most God awful, disgusting look when she sees my flip-flops.
I got Pretty Woman’d!!! And you know what I did. I rolled out of that shit hole like I owned the place. Bank account still intact.
So moral is, if you really like fucking flip-flops and you live in NY…wear the damn things anyway.