How To Work On Wall Street & Still Be a Good Person
By Mar-Li Pitcher
You show up at the office and are immediately pulled into a morning meeting filled with cult-like rituals, and subliminal messages disguised as “motivation”, all meant to brainwash you before working a 12+ hr day. Then you drag yourself home (after a pit stop at the bar) only to Xanax-yourself into a stupor so you can get up and do it all over again!
Welcome to life on Wall St. This is it kid, you made it! If “made it” is code for drugging yourself through the next couple of decades till you finally snap and drive your car off a bridge.
Or, you could get a job that pays you in something besides Blood Money. A position in which you aren’t forced to destroy land, sea, and air while crushing the 99% in order to earn money to impress people you don’t even like. Yes, even on Wall Street.
If your goal is to have a killer view of NYC while still remaining a member of the Human Race here are 5 jobs in the fast lane that won’t make you hate yourself:
A Computer Systems Analysis
This job is like your colon, you don’t think much about it much, but without one, we would all be up shit creek. Why? Because Fuckin’ Captains of Industry have no idea how a computer works! They don’t know your name (no matter how long you’ve been working there) but if they so much as trip over their computer cord and pull it out of the socket, you’ll find them in their corner office rocking back and forth in terror, mumbling your name, until you valiantly show up to plug it back in. Otherwise, you’re pretty much invisible, which means you overhear everything. Wear a recorder button and add the Wikileaks email to your contacts.
Interpreters and Translators
These guys are literally like secret agents; Douche A wants to make money off of Douche B but they don’t speak the same language. Enter: you. You translate for them, choosing to “misinterpret” as you see fit. Bonus: You talk shit about the CEO with the maintenance staff and get paid for it!
Office Assistant
it’s a good way to hang out on the Wall without actually doing much. File papers, answer phones, schedule meetings, update your Facebook status, easy peasy. And when your racist, misogynist, homophobic boss starts going off about how great America’s going to be now that Trump is President, change all the passwords to #imstillwithher and laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
Compliance Officers
Want to make rules for the rule-makers? Compliance Officers literally wrote the book on bullshit rules. Say a company wants to expand their property. There is no reason they can’t use the vacant lot next door to expand but this company has a reputation for underpaying its workers and poisoning the environment. So said company is assigned to you to square away their building plans, you bury them in arbitrary rules, effectively crushing any expansion. #Occupy.
The Americorps Program
Want the glitz but can’t stand the thought of drawing a paycheck bearing the logo of Initech? The Americorps program often gives you unrestricted access to some of the nation’s top companies. Free food (office food is always up for grabs), like-minded peeps who are super chill (most of the time), plus open bar, swag-heavy (read: free shit) affairs while you do the world some good from a 1% address and a job title that gets your parents off your back? Who says there’s no hope left in the world?
