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Guide to Public Sex In NYC

So you want to have public sex in NYC? You filthy animal! If you’re planning this act of uncivil disobedience there are a few things you should keep in mind.

1.   Sex in public is illegal, but no one cares.

If you aren’t schtooping in full view of children or brunch, you should be fine. I once saw a couple rigorously cavorting while a man mopped AROUND them. When I was younger (a year ago) one of my favorite bartenders yelled at me and my date on our way to the bathroom:

Hey Kaytlin, if you ‘re gonna fuck make it quick, I want to get out of here!” 

Worst case scenario, someone yells at you and then you get charged with a misdemeanor which is a great story.Happy Cops

2.   Try to be quick.

You don’t want to get kicked out of a bar because the bartender hasn’t gotten laid in weeks and one of his regulars pissed themselves waiting for you to finish “using” the bathroom. Don’t be rude, get the foreplay going before you sneak off. Try not to hump longer than it takes to take a dump. If you’re in a more exposed location, you don’t want to be going at it long enough to become a trending topic on Twitter. 

Obtained from Esquire

Obtained from Esquire

3.   Even though everyone watches porn, not everyone wants to watch you. 

Sex in cabs is a classic. As is the stereotypical, probably religious man driving you around. Go into this prepared that he might yell at you like he’s your dad. He’s not. And unless you cum on his property, or refuse to tip him, he probably won’t call the police or your real father. Try to avoid doing the nasty in front of parents, churchgoers, or anyone eating.

From thelionsdenu.com

From thelionsdenu.com

 4.  This might not actually be your thing. 

Adrenaline does weird stuff to bodies, you might get dry mouth or dry vagina. It might be impossible to keep an erection. Nothing exacerbates a flaccid dick, like a parched anxious vagina. If you’re desperately trying to shove your reluctant bits together, be enough of a grown-up to admit that maybe awkward humping in a wet bathroom isn’t your thing. That’s ok!

From likesharetweet.com

From likesharetweet.com

But if it is your thing…

Here are my top five favorite places to bone in public, weather permitting. Comment with your own favorite spots!

  • Bathroom

  • Rooftop

  • Fire escape

  • Cab

  • Alley, or up against a wall

Obtained from The Huffington Post

Obtained from The Huffington Post

5.   The best part about a successful sex adventure is the bragging rights.

Sex stories are like fishing stories, feel free to exaggerate.

If you want a safe, appreciative, audience, go to a sex party.

Censored subway exhibitionism

Censored subway exhibitionism

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Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey

Kaytlin Bailey is a stand-up comic. You may have seen her on MTV's Braless, or heard her on SiriusXM radio. She writes for Vice and travels with the CAKE Comedy Tour.