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Virtual Reality Porn Is Literally The Worst

By: Jonas Barnes 

I remember watching my first porno way before I’d ever even seen a vagina that wasn’t my aunts, as she walked across the room with her robe open. I was about 16  years old, and I had broken into my dad’s porn stash. I saw the regular array of outdated Playboys and other magazines, of course, but found the holy grail at the bottom of the stash: The VHS tape. There was a single, solitary porno video and I couldn’t get it in the VCR quick enough. This was the jackpot! This was full porn! I was elated, excited, intrigued and filled with adrenaline because I could get caught at any time. It was a rush. I put the tape in and, to my dismay, it hadn’t been rewound. This posed a problem because I’d have to remember the spot it started so I didn’t get caught. How was a 16-year-old boy that was surely going to be cum drunk, after his first porno experience, going to remember such detail? I didn’t care; I was going in. I got ready for this pivotal moment in a boy’s life. I was sitting in front of the TV with my pants all the way down, like an asshole. I was ready to go. And I hit play.

New Wave 80's Porn VIa - https://innocenttaboo.tumblr.com

New Wave 80’s VHS “erotica” Via – https://innocenttaboo.tumblr.com

What happened next was one of the first times I had experienced true and real disappointment since my biological father died.

It was nothing like I’d ever expected. It was, for lack of a better term, fucking gross. These people looked like someone’s parents. There was so much hair everywhere. And she sounded like she was dying while the guy dry heaved on top of her. My erection had packed an overnight bag and departed for a vacation in a much better place. At this point, there was no coming back. I was crushed. And I was so traumatized by the earth-shattering disappointment, that I removed the tape from the VCR without rewinding it and had completely forgotten about it until my dad busted me. So on top of all that, I was grounded over the porno of shame. I’ll never forgive you for your taste in porn, Dad.

Via - http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

“Your porn sucks Dad” Via – http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

I told you that story because my experience with VR porn was much the same.

Obviously, I wasn’t skimming through my dad’s smut box to find his Oculus Rift preloaded with “Cream Pie POV #5” but the whole situation was eerily similar as an adult. My first experience with VR porn was during a podcast recording in NYC. A comedian friend had brought in the Oculus Rift when it was still a prototype and said we were going to watch VR porn. All of us were degenerate males that thought with our dicks most of the day, so this sounded like a fantastic night. On a side note, watching porn (VR or not) with dudes is never a “fantastic night” when you’re straight. You all sit around with confused erections. Anyway, we couldn’t wait to get into VR porn. All that excitement I had for my first porno rushed back. Do you know why? Because I’m a fucking idiot, that’s why. I have no idea what I expected, to be honest. What I do know is that I didn’t expect what I got.

VR has a few components. Usually, a headset with your smartphone or a built-in interface that you look into. The screen, so to speak, is where the magic happens. A VR video is usually shot on a 360-degree camera, giving you the feeling that you’re experiencing everything around you. That’s why they work so well with, let’s say, a rollercoaster or flying simulation. It’s a sensory brain trick. It makes you feel like you’re there by immersing you in it. And sometimes they add in a set of gloves that allow you to move your arms and hands within the video to trick you into feeling like you’re there and a part of the action.

Via - http://www.gamespot.com/

Via – http://www.gamespot.com/

VR games are awesome and take advantage of this technology. So how does this translate to porn? Poorly is the nicest way I can put it. Disastrously is more like it. VR porn puts you in the driver’s seat of the dude getting boned. Sounds awesome, right? Well, you’re basically just his eyes & head. That’s about it. It’s POV porn in an IMAX theater, essentially, while you have control of the guys head. You can look around, look her (or him) up & down like a creep at a strip club, go in for a mock kiss and other related activities. It’s like being a paraplegic while watching another person’s body get laid.

VIa - http://www.kotaku.co.uk/2015/01/16/sex-please-gamers-oculus-rift-future-porn

Via – YouTube

This person has abs and a way bigger dick than me, this is bullshit. No woman has ever made those noises with me because they only happen when her cervix is being bruised. Nothing about this is real at all.

Also, VR headsets are large and cumbersome, so you become a porno bobblehead. You get motion sickness. And unless this particular porno is “Barf Skanks Vol. 8”, you don’t want to throw up. You can’t feel anything, either, because there is no Oculus Pussy. Wait…why isn’t there an Oculus Pussy? What the fuck, VR engineers? You’re losing so much money. You’ve got to be the stupidest smart people in the world.

Think with your dicks for once, nerds!

My point is unless you’re jerking off, your genitals remain completely untouched. The point of VR is the sense of full immersion, and this fails on all aspects. What you get is extreme POV porn with motion sickness and the potential for a migraine from the screen. The only way this is a salvageable experience is if you watch the video while getting oral from your partner, which is disrespectful because you’re basically removing any personal connection from the act.

So at the end of the day, I have to give VR porn a hard (or in this man’s case, a very flaccid) pass. It’s nothing that I ever wanted it to be, and its complete failure was such a disappointment. It also doesn’t need to exist. People like fucking! Next to breathing, it’s basically our favorite thing as a species. Go out, meet humans and connect with them.

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but when two people are attracted to each other, they usually have sex at some point, and it’s so much better than whatever the hell VR porn is trying to be.

Via - http://vinepair.com/wine-blog

Via – http://vinepair.com/wine-blog

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