Why You Should Not Buy An iPhone X

Apple has a new iPhone out today, a grand experiment to see if people are really brainwashed enough to pay $1,000 for a smartphone. And it looks like a lot of them are! But people, you should not buy a new $1,000 smartphone simply because Apple has a new $1,000 smartphone on sale, just look at the horrific environmental and humanitarian impact.

Oh, there are all manner of features Apple customers would love to see in the new iPhone X. How ‘bout putting the Flashlight app on the Home screen, instead of Wallet, iBooks, and other shitty apps no one ever uses? How ‘bout putting animated GIF capabilities into the camera? How ‘bout making the numerical keypad pop up automatically when you make a call? But nope, the iPhone X does not come with the features that buyers actually want, because Tim Cook will shoot his grandmother in front of an all-company meeting before he listens to paying customers’ feedback.

Let’s take a look at all the new features no one ever asked for to help you decide to not buy the iPhone X.

IT COSTS $1,000 GODDAMNED DOLLARS

Even though the wireless charger is not even included with your purchase, Apple is charging more than a thousand bucks for this fucking phone. That has less to do with the actual cost of the phone and more to do with Apple’s insane game of chicken with human logic to test the boundaries of how much people are willing to pay.

Additionally, Apple Care is $50 more expensive for the iPhone X, perfectly correlated to the iPhone X’s new glass back that will instantly crack upon your buying it.

FACE ID IS BULLSHIT

Face ID is such bullshit that it didn’t even work when Apple’s senior vice douchebag Craig Federighi tried to demo it in front of an audience. Think it’s going to work any better for you?

Face ID is also a privacy nightmare just waiting to happen. Apple claims that the all the creepy facial recognition shit is securely stored locally on your phone. But as the company points out, “Developers can also allow you to use Face ID to sign into their apps.” If app developers also get your Face ID data, think how many 20-year-old college dropouts will have access to your biometric data.

Maybe one day some Silicon Valley genius will invent this year’s to-die-for smartphone that magically changes into next year’s to-die-for smartphone when next year rolls around. That would be a true “miracle device”. Until then, we  ought to hold this industry more accountable for the financial and privacy tolls of smartphones upgrades that offer so few upgrades.

The iPhone X is available now at Apple.com for $999-$1,149.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.