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How To Take A Sh!t At Thanksgiving Dinner

The inevitable, unpleasant side effect of your fabulous friends-or-family Thanksgiving feast is that you will at some point have to bust an enormous dook. Pooping at a public gathering and in a shared restroom is generally a mortifying exercise, made worse by the fact that everyone who uses that bathroom after you will totally know that you took a shit. The smell of your shit may even become a topic of Thanksgiving dinner conversation, which is not a desirable outcome at all!    

Washroom exhaust fans are notoriously ineffective at clearing at the smell of a freshly-taken poop. You can scope the bathroom for windows and open one if possible, though that option will not be available to you in all washroom scenarios.

But people, keep in mind that it is far worse to repeatedly fart at a Thanksgiving gathering than it is to just let the dogs out and take that shit!

Let’s take a look at a few effective, emergency situation measures you can take to minimize the damage when you’ve taken an industrial-grade dump at a Thanksgiving gathering.

MATCHES OR SCENTED PRODUCTS

There are various scented products like Febreze or PooPourri that are designed for just this sort of thing, but you are unlikely to be equipped with these in a “pinch.” (If you’re especially shit-phobic, you buy them in advance today.)

But one easy “shit hack” is to simply carry a pack of matches on you, as the phosphorus and sulfur do create their own canceling-out smell. Two or three matches can handle the job pretty well! Even if you’re completely unprepared, most San Francisco corner liquor stores will be open and operating on Thanksgiving Day. They typically had out packs of matches for free, though in some cases charge ten or fifteen cents. If you don’t have ten or fifteen cents, give the cashier your sob story that you have to take a shit at a big Thanksgiving dinner and they may just give you the matches for free.

USE A FAR-OFF BATHROOM

Many households rock a “main bathroom,” but also have auxiliary washrooms elsewhere on the premises. Using a bathroom that is as far as possible from the general congregation of people is your best option on Thanksgiving.

One great way to access these is to wait until the main bathroom is occupied, and then pull the whole “Oh, do you have another bathroom” scheme. Sure, there is the options where you full-on admit to your host that you need a different bathroom because you’re taking a big ol’ shit in their house, but it’s also possible to slyly play it off legit and maintain the illusion that you never actually poop.

Image: Keith Williamson via Flickr

RIFLE THROUGH THE CABINET FOR SOMETHING/ANYTHING SCENTED

Many bathrooms are equipped with various cleaning products that have their own distinct, cover-up smell. The easiest option here is hand lotion. Just apply generous amounts of hand lotion to your hands and forearms, and then wave them around in such a fashion to distribute the “lotion smell” as widely as possible.

You’ve presumably got the bathroom to yourself here, so feel free to rifle through the bathroom cabinet and utilize and hair spray, cologne, or whatever you can find to neutralize the smell. With these steps, you can totally rectify your unpleasant Thanksgiving shit-uation!

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.