In general, I’m of the opinion that most children are bratty, snot-nosed runts that are good for nothing until they hit age 18, but recently my good friend got knocked up and I got to thinking that maybe I wouldn’t be so adverse to the idea of having a little one of my own if it was any one (but preferably a mix) of the following:
1. The One With Musical Ability
I know how to play “Redemption Song” and “Margaritaville” on the guitar, so obviously my kid will have musical ability out the butt. Any way you slice it, music is cool, and I want my kid to be cool. Hopefully it will be able to sing, because according to my own made-up but probably still true statistic, lead singers in bands get laid a lot more than any of the other members, and I definitely want my kid to get more action than I’ve had in my lifetime. Also, it must sing awesome Beach House songs like this:
I’ll take any of those little fuckers home right now.
2. The One Who Reads
This one is a given. If my kid doesn’t like to read, I’m out. No good-byes, either. Just me and my Jeep Wrangler driving off into the sunset. My kid’s gonna love the classic shit too. I’m talking Shakespeare. I’m talking T.S. Eliot. I’m talking American Psycho. Yup, my kid will understand my Patrick Bateman references. Not creepy at all.
3. The One With Good Driving Skills Not Inherited From Mom
If my kid is a good driver, I’ll have a hard time believing it’s really mine. However, having pushed it from my cervix out through my vagina, I will be convinced that the child is, indeed, my own, and the universe has just looked inexplicably favorably on my offspring. But when I say I want my kid to have good driving skills, I mean as an actual kid, like Mr. Latarian Milton:
Yeah, he hit two mailboxes, two parked cars and two moving cars, but that’s pretty much how I currently drive and I’m 20 years older.
4. The One With Good Fashion Sense
This means I walk into American Apparel with my four-year-old and she picks out this outfit. That’s all I want. But so help me, if she grows up and tries to pull this shit, I will slap her face off of her face. Then make her eat a Double-Double.
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