DIYSex and Dating

The Dildo: Facing the Competition

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Last week, at an undisclosed location, in an unattended bathroom, a dildo fell into sight from its hiding spot behind some shampoo.  I laughed.  Then, when I picked it up, I realized that I had NEVER actually touched a dildo before.  Strange, considering I feel like I’ve seen and done alot in my 25 years.  I examined the contraption, with its extended frenumlum and weird protruding hook-knob, like a clitoris stimulating verison of the lantern fish’s bioluminescent bulb.  There was a prominent gelatinous vein running down the shaft and at the midsection, under a patch of transparent plastic sheathing, were some pearly beads.  Fucking little arts and crafts beads that crunched and moved like large particles of sand packed together.  Is this what we men are up against?!

 

Ok, so women are using this multi-textural, sculptural work of art.  Some are basic, but often they they come in tons of colors and sizes, with an unbelievable array of options and gizmos powered by small electric motors. They can be glass, silk, acryllic, rubber.  They can be water-cooled and retain heat. This is the proxy penis: engineered -probably “ergonomic” – to optimially stimulate a woman with vibrations and G-spot stimulating bent whangs.  Some shoot stuff.

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Let’s turn to men, who typically use a slightly less advanced proxy for a vagina: the hand. It is not even an attempt at replicating a vagina, since it is already its own distinguished anatomical part.  Then, sometimes we might branch off and use a sock or pillow, still by no means hard to upstage if say you are a real vagina. Dudes in high school (I would NEVER) would talk about cutting open shampoo bottles or taking two water balloons and lubing them with conditioner and humping them.  Women are certainly operating on a different level.  There are a few fellatio replicators on the market and the Blossom Sleeve (“like taking your dick to the prom”), but I feel like these are so fringe and under-utilized that comparisons to the dildo don’t stand.  No, it is really the dildo versus the hand.   Or maybe I am assuming too many women use dildos just because one fell out of a bathroom wall.

 

There is something refreshing though.  According to the Babeland.com –  a purveyor of sex toys, sex knowledge, and sex skills – The Bandit is one of the most popular dildos because of its realism.  Don’t start reading the reviews unless you have will of steel or time to kill.  Looks like diamond encrusted cocks that can make you breakfast can only go so far, but a VixSkin dildo with a scalp rubbing extension and sweet-nothing stereo might spell trouble.

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22 Comments

  1. Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap
    April 20, 2009 at 9:25 am

    Taking your dick to the prom is hilarious!!!

  2. garlik
    April 22, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    men use dildos tooo

  3. @ garlik : real men use fists! kidding. that is a valid distinction, but my point is still the same regardless: the proxy cock is an engineered product whereas a surrogate vagina (or ass) is typically a hand, pillow, apple pie, etc. Feel free to grow the list!

  4. Bobby the K
    April 30, 2009 at 9:47 am

    ~

    Men DO in fact now have a much better option.
    It’s the FleshLight.

    I took the reviews with a grain of salt and got one anyway.
    And it is as good as they say.
    It will probably be better than some vaginas you have known.
    It’s that good.

    I don’t know what you have spent or done trying to score, but this is liberation from all of that.

  5. Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap
    April 30, 2009 at 10:04 am

    Really? Better than some vaginas? That’s a big statement Bobby, vaginas are pretty awesome.

    Then again, the fleshlight has gotta be cheaper than dating and you don’t have to put up with stupid conversation….

  6. I just watched the promo girl give the overview here: http://www.fleshlight.com/
    I’m sold…on her. I cannot imagine pumping away on a length of hose. But I have no doubt it is much better than a calloused hand.

  7. Random Girl
    May 3, 2009 at 3:35 am

    There is no competition. Your dildo will call you the next day Oliver on the other hand won’t. I didnt take the Whorespondent thing literally but apparently that’s exactly what he is.

  8. Random Girl
    May 3, 2009 at 3:44 am

    @ Broke ass stuart….. stupid conversation? Maybe if you tried banging someone with a functional brain cell that wouldnt be the case. But then again picking dates based on cup size will get you no where pronto. I dont know any of these dudes but really it dosnt even sound like any of you respect or even like women.

  9. Random Girl
    May 3, 2009 at 4:31 am

    Hey guys Im sorry Im really pissed off at this guy I was saying who has disappeared. I dont even own a dildo or vibrator and never have but Im pretty sure that Im buying one now. Im sure women are a nightmare for men at times but why in hell do guys act like they are into you and then pouff into thin air. Is all about giving your calloused hand a break and pumping a vagina? Do men actually care about the people they sleep with? At this point Im exploring lesbianism. Id rather rant to you then give him the satisfaction of an angry voicemail or text.

  10. Lady ya ya not ga ga
    May 3, 2009 at 5:13 am

    @Bobby K seriously dude are you for real??? I hope that fleshlight will go with you to thanksgiving dinner and meet mom & dad. I can just picture that flashlight sitting next to you at the movies. I looked at the promo and the girl pitching it looks like a Girl’s next door playboy bunny bleached blonde “like omi god” reject. Makes me think of that flim with the tastey Ryan Gosling where he walks around with a doll and pretends she’s a real girl. And we all like to get laid but I think its better when a real person is involved even if a little stupid convo is the prerequistie. Do you think we give a shit about March Madness? We have to listen to your dribble too.

  11. @random girl: comments at 6:30 AM on a Sunday? Either you were prepping for your Sunday service or wasted. As for the dildo that can make phone calls, shit, I’ll buy one and give it a job.

  12. Anna G - Caliburg Contributor
    May 3, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    FYI, Stuart and Oliver are just about the nicest dudes I’ve ever met. And Stuart’s girlfriend is a beautiful, intelligent girl. You can quote me on that shit. And this is coming from a seriously embittered misanthrope who has dated some pretty fucked up individuals, so I feel your pain, Random Girl, but Stu & Oliver are tops in my book.

  13. random girl
    May 3, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    @Oliver yes I was a little tipsy at 6:30 am. And Anna Im sure they are nice dudes but stuart insinuated that he needs to have stupid conversations with someone before getting down and dirty. If I were his intelligent beautiful well spoken girlfriend Id take offense to that dip shit comment

  14. Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap
    May 3, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    Ah ha ha ha!!!!!!! this shit is hilarious!

    @random girl: I think you misunderstood me. Dating in general is a pretty banal thing. Both guys and girls have to put up with totally ridiculous shit from the people they date, and stupid conversation is definitely at the top of the list. Sometimes it’s worth putting up with it to get some ass, sometimes it’s not. If you’re going to tell me that every dude you’ve ever slept with has been both intriguing and a brilliant conversationalist I’m either gonna call you a liar, or tell all my single female friends to start frequenting the spots that you go to.

    My point is that sometimes people just don’t fee like playing the games required (by ALL genders) to get a little booty. That’s why god invented dildos and the fleshlight.

    @Anna: Thanks for sticking up for us. You’re pretty swell too 🙂

    @Lady Ya Ya: You had me cracking up about taking the fleshlight to Thanksgiving.

  15. thanks for sticking up for us Anna. Per our agreement, I owe you 100 lira.

  16. random girl
    May 4, 2009 at 11:00 am

    Actually Stuart I try not to randomly bed the first goodlooking guy that looks at me so Id like to think that the guys Ive broken off a piece to are good to brilliant conversationalist how else are they going to get in my panties? But you are right Ive been on dates with extremely hot men who dont have shit to say and that is why they never get beyond first base. I have a very short list blame being Latina where you are taught that sex is highly coveted and If Im rolling my eyes at what a potential date is saying I call it a night roll a fattie and watch “Cheaters” hey if I cant be in a relationship I might as well watch one get busted up due to infidelity. But overall, your’e right about dating. I at least try to sleep with people I genuinely find interesting which may explain why Ive gone without sex for 7 to 8 months at time. I know I think Im technically a reborn vigin at that point. In NYC especially its easy to meet a guy to suck face with but in an age or STD’s like herpes, genital warts etc run rampant Id rather take the high road and fly solo then listen to non sense just to get a little ass. I really wasnt bashing you just stating that you really dont have to listen to some crap a girl/dude is saying. You could always raise your standards and wait for someone worthwhile in and out of the bedroom.

  17. random girl
    May 5, 2009 at 9:52 am

    UPDATE: He called me! I guess I wont be needing that vibrator after all. Oh happy days are here again sorry you got caught in that shit storm Stuart. Now that I have my love life back on track I can stop posting these comments….heads up Im also Lady Ya Ya not Ga Ga I needed to do something to kill time.

  18. @ random girl: correction, must’ve been the automated call service function on the new dildo I purchased.

  19. random girl
    May 5, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Places to meet goodlooking good to brilliant conversationalist.
    Bungalow 8
    1oak
    Bob’s
    Greenhouse
    Marquee
    Angels and Kings
    1020 (Columbia University bar packed with intellectual hotties–Im a graduate)

  20. Anna G - Caliburg Contributor
    May 6, 2009 at 4:08 am

    The plot thickens!

  21. October 7, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    Must..follow…the bright bouncing dildo…

  22. April 4, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Very informing post. I recommend this realistic vagina and ass if you want an overwhelming experience. The holes are really realistic and tight and the very real texture and smooth, soft skin is, to be honest better than the real thing – it feels like real vaginal and anal sex. Have a look at at http://www.realisticvaginaandass.com – it’s a great price too and well worth it. You won’t need any other male sex toy and it beats any fleshlight or tenga for realism. I think of it all day at work and when I get home I can’t wait to use it. Have fun…