I Hope You Get Swine Flu: 5 Dating Behaviors That Drive Me Mad (Cow Disease)
Sometimes when you meet people there are things about them that allow you to quickly identify them as a “loser”. But that’s not what this is about. Today I’m talking about things people do once you’ve moved beyond the getting to know each other stage and have been dating for a while – whether it be casually dating someone for a seemingly endless, pointless period of months, or in the middle of a suffocating/alienating five-year live-in relationship. If anything, I hope this list makes you ponder over the larger implications raised by a question from noted English philosopher and smartass, Morrissey: “Why do I smile/at people whom I’d much rather/kick in the eye?”
1. When your significant other is confiding in you that they have a problem and/or they’re feeling insecure about something, it’s probably not helpful to declare things like, “Well, I’m glad I have it together.” In fact, it’s really not a good idea to say that to ANYONE, under pretty much any circumstance. Maybe you feel good about yourself (god knows why, though, you asshole!), but that’s really not the point here, genius. Ostensibly, you care about this person confiding in you, so rubbing their face in that fact you think you’re more “together” than they are can’t possibly serve to help or comfort them in any way. Seriously, what kind of a smug asshole are you to say things like that?
2. Being weird and obsessive about your sexual past, and/or constantly insinuating that one or all of your friends potentially want to have sex with you. But god help you if you start to even hint at the exact same things about that person! This is ESPECIALLY outrageous if you’re not even in a committed or serious relationship. If this is a dude we’re talking about, there’s a good chance this is just the tip of the paternalistic iceberg. Either way, even if this is a girl, it’s probably not a good indication that this person has much of an ability to let things go, or has much self-confidence.
3. Sometimes, people never grow up beyond adolescence, and it isn’t necessarily obvious right away. This is particularly easy to overlook when you have lots of fun with the person. But, when a serious situation or an argument arises, and that person can’t seem to even TRY to deal with it, or only wants to talk about Nintendo for hours and HOURS on end (and their favorite bar is Barcade), it’s time to cut the cord, because all this person wants is a mom to run his life. It’s not like all video game fans are completely immature, but there are limits to how much a person is willing to talk about Donkey Kong, or (shudder), Halo.
4. Ogling other girls/guys in front of you. Sometimes, when you date someone, they can maintain some real self-control in this area. Or perhaps, they were so into you at one point they didn’t even want to look at other girls/guys. But, now you’ve gotten more comfortable in the relationship, and his/her true colors start to show. This person probably secretly (or not so secretly!) has no respect for you. I don’t take issue with wanting to look at other women/men; we’re all human, but I just think if s/he has the audacity to do this in front of you, it implies that s/he doesn’t give a shit how you feel. Sorry, but the respect that may have been there at one point is clearly gone.
5. Getting into fist fights. Again, I think this implies that the person DOES NOT give a shit about how you’re going to be stuck handling the situation as a result of them trying to prove whatever it is they’re trying to prove. Unless someone is threatening your life, or terrorizing you, there’s really no good reason for this to happen. This also could imply that the person has scary violent tendencies, and possibly lacks a frontal cortex, since they’re willing to risk going to jail or getting seriously injured or killed. This is not fucking Fight Club, and no one cares if you win, you’re still an idiot.