Broke-Ass of the Week

Broke-Ass of the Week: Comedian Todd Montesi

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Every week we feature a different person from the community shedding a little light on their life of brokeitude.  Who knows, maybe you’ll learn something about the human spirit'probably not.

 

Wanna be a Broke-Ass of the Week?  Holler at us here and we’ll send you the questionnaire.

Todd Montesi is a really funny dude, which is why he’s been chosen as our Broke-Ass of the Week.  Ok, we actually just needed a black guy since we figured you were tired of looking at Whitey every week, and Todd just happened to be the first one we came across.  He even pitched himself as such.  When he wrote in he said, “plus I’m black/ethnic/other so that could get some more traffic on your website I suppose.”  Shit, if I had known that was a prerequisite for getting hits, this site would be looking a lot more like the BET Awards instead of a Weezer video like it does now.              

 

But like I said, Todd is funny man.  Just read below to find out for yourself.  And if you like what you see, make sure to check out the FREE comedy night he hosts every Tuesday at the Underground Lounge in Murray Hill. 

 
Name:  Todd aka '˜MONTIKILLA’ aka '˜Da Rudebwoy’ aka '˜I Just Mouth$#@ Yer Momz’ Montesi

 

Age:  28 in white dude years, 52 in black

 

Occupation:  Fool. See this for comedic hoopla, and also this for gigs/blogs/yak cream info.

 

What neighborhood do you live in?:   Midbush (Flatbush/Midwood border) in Crooklyn.  All my sad miserable life.  Everyone’s either 15 or 50 (cause everybody between that’s prolly dead or in jail.  Keep it real y’all).  Flatbush is all Caribbean hardcore gansta, while Midwood’s pretty much orthodox Jewish.  Plus the nabe used to be Irish/Italian back in the 80’s.  Ejaculate all that into a smelting pot and what do you get? A reformed crack baby turned comedian.

 

Best money saving tip:  Mooch.  Often.  Whenever you can.  The top group to mooch off of?  White dudes of course.  '˜Specially in NYC since they have that '˜liberal guilt’ microchip installed in their brains.  Always looking to be the '˜Bro’ or the '˜knight in shining armor’.  Good mooching targets for: Minorities, Women, Dogs, Gays, Welfare Recipients and Other White Dudes.

 

What do you refuse to spend money on?:  Soap.  You know women dig musk!

 

Most expensive thing you’ve ever bought:  A lie.

 

How’d that feel?:  Great at the beginning! Then hollow at the end.

 

Favorite cheap eat:  Vagina.  You can get it anywhere.  The cost varies from place to place though but I usually get comped.

 

Favorite dive bar:  Well last time I got lucky was at Doc Holliday’s, so let’s go with Doc’s!

 

Best deal you’ve ever gotten:  I actually killed 2 birds with one stone. Was one of the most fun days of my life. Ah, my animal torturing youth.

 

Favorite free thing to do:  Sleeping.  At the park, the beach, home, work, in the subway, etc. Wouldn’t it be cool to be Rip van Winkel all asleep for a hundred years and then wakeup today in 2009 and be like “Holy *&*((%, there’s a N$#%$ President? Wake me up when that’s over!”

 

If you woke up a millionaire, what’s the first thing you’d buy?:  A Mom. I’m kidding who needs those right? I’d prolly get me a chill bachelor pad in the LES. I always secretly wanted to be a successful hipster dooshbag web-designer.

 

Despite not having money, do you still love your life?:  Hellz to da No! Don’t you know  having possessions n stuff gives life worth & meaning?  Man, it’s like you’ve never watched a Lady Gaga video

 

Do you own my book?:  “Readins, dats sum White Peepel shit!”-Tracy Morgan

 

Best hangover cure:  A cup of tea usually works.  Followed by jerking off.  And weeping.  Then death.  It’s the David Carradine cocktail (too soon or too late for that reference?).

 

Are you a hipster?:  “Readins, dats sum White Peepel shit!”- Kanye West

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website BrokeAssStuart.com is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, Geek.com and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.

1 Comment

  1. you’re crude dude. $ in the banco popular