Broke-Ass of the Week

Broke-Ass of the Week – Kevin Montgomery of Mission Mission

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Every week we feature a different person from the community shedding a little light on their life of brokeitude.  Who knows, maybe you’ll learn something about the human spirit'probably not.

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I first became aware of Kevin a few months back when Allan fled the country because of legal troubles (ok actually I think he went on vacation), and Mr. Montgomery here was left in charge of Mission Mission.  Ever since then he’s been a regular contributor over at San Francisco’s Best Neighborhood blog.

What’s funny is that he turned his answers into me a few months back, and yet with references to US health care and Kanye West, it seem like he wrote them yesterday.  So now I’m pretty convinced that Kevin is a psychic.  Either that or our health care system has been fucked forever and Kanye has always been an asshole.  I’m going with psychic.

Name: Kevin Montgomery

Age: 25

Occupation: I supposedly do web-design and some programming, but I find myself blogging and writing more-and-more.  It’s the pits.

What neighborhood do you live in?: My mailing address says 94110 but my driver’s license says 01012.  I’ve noticed this makes the police very confused when I get pulled over for having a car that barely functions.

Best money saving tip: Buy a Saab instead of a Porsche.  Besides, they get better gas milage and we all know how good that makes you look.

What do you refuse to spend money on?: My roommate’s food and my neighbor’s wireless (thanks “jane”!).

Most expensive thing you’ve ever bought: Three years and a piece of paper from Brandeis University.  That shit set me back a solid $70k.  I swear, they should have a common-sense test that you have to pass before they allow you to go to college.

How’d that feel?: Horrible.  My mother guilt-tripped me into going to graduation: “we didn’t send you to college to not see you graduate!”  “But you didn’t send me to college…” “Well, I co-signed all those goddamn loans and your grandmother bought you a laptop after you went a semester without a functioning computer, so shut up and go.”

My family took me out for brunch afterwards though.  I love free food.

Favorite cheap eat: Bender’s.  It’s like Weird Fish, just without all the people that read the New York Time’s travel section and with beer that you actually want to drink.

Favorite dive bar: Bender’s if I’m in SF, People’s Republik if I’m back in Boston, and Pop’s if it is Sunday.  Seriously, Pop’s on Sunday is the best.  Have you ever brought St. Francis milkshakes into a bar before, had it “made happy” by a bartender and then proceeded to watch “Babe” on VHS?  It’s amazing.

Best deal you’ve ever gotten: In September of 2007, I went to fine state of Baja California Sur, Mexico with some coworkers of mine.  Not Cabo, but some dusty one-road surfer town called “La Ventana.”  Anyways, after two days of being there and a day before Hurricane Henriette made landfall (who the hell goes to Mexico during a tropical storm warning anyways?), I somehow managed to get dysentery and, after puking 15 times in a morning, it was deemed to be a good idea to locate a doctor.  Of course, the “doctor” is not a doctor but a 23-year-old med. student spending a semester doing state-mandated rural volunteer work.  The clinic is merely a cement shack that acts as a hospital, pharmacy, and temporary residence for the town doctor.  When I am introduced to the doctor-in-training, he is playing FIFA Soccer on the Playstation 2 in the clinic’s entryway while sucking down a cigarette in spite of the “No Fumar” signs all over the place.  After 15-minutes of a broken English/Spanish conversation, I get a series of 3 IVs stuck into my arm, a bunch of shots (I still have no idea, to this day, that they were), and a 5-hour nap in a hospital bed.  When it was all said and done, I walked out of the clinic with all the previously mentioned service and a week’s worth of prescriptions (which I could not identify but I assume were antibiotics) for less than $20 USD.  I was able to get the bill down a little by giving the doctor two packs of Marlboros off-the-record. Bonus points: most of the trip was paid for by work.

Oh yeah, once I found a $2,500 Trek Project One road-bike frame while dumpster diving.  I got 2 years out of that frame until someone stole it.  Not exactly a “deal,” but whatever.

Favorite free thing to do: Getting rejected by cute girls in Dolores Park.  I live for awkward situations.

If you woke up a millionaire, what’s the first thing you’d buy?: $500,000 in “safe” stocks and a Chingy CD.  The other $499,987 would be squandered away on a thrilling combination of seitan, Natty Light, and bike parts.

Despite not having money, do you still love your life?: Like Kayne West loves himself.

Do you own my book?: No, but can I download it illegally?

Best hangover cure: Shut your mouth and deal with it.

Are you a hipster?: I’d like to think I’m not, but my collection of ironic tshirts suggests otherwise.
ALSO, while writing this, I totally found a $5 gift card in the box of cereal I was eating.  Fuck ya!

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

I've been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York, but to those familiar with my work, I'm just "that douchebag who writes books about cheap stuff and drinks a lot".


  1. bb
    September 17, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    That was funny!! I like this section.

  2. September 18, 2009 at 12:24 am

    […] to Kevin Montgomery of Mission Mission for being Broke Ass Stuart’s Broke Ass of the Week. And is apparently […]

  3. September 18, 2009 at 12:28 am

    Wait, what’s ironic about the Ron Paul shirt?