Love Lessons from Antichrist
This post contains Spoilers! A couple of days ago, I had the experience of attending the trainwreck, er, premiere of Lars Von Trier’s new film, Antichrist at the New York Film Festival. Not only was it a, as some have called it, “giant art-film fart” of a movie, but the actual film-watching experience at the theater at which it took place was plagued with people visibly and audibly freaking the fuck out to the point where some guy actually collapsed trying to walk out of the theater, and they had to stop the movie in the middle to turn on the lights and call the cops. To be fair though, I’m pretty sure it was just some viral marketing scheme. But when (movie) life gives you lemons, doggone it, you can just make some ice cold lemonade! Can I get that with a side of blood and clumsy biblical references? Hey-o! My point is that, hey, even though this movie was a giant piece of meaningless crap that only a 5-year old would find provocative, we can nonetheless all learn a little something about a certain crazy little thing we call love.
1. Babies are unstoppable, and once they can walk, you can never have sex again
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That’s right. Babies: is there anyone more competent? So if you want a roll in the hay with your significant other, just skip it altogether, because your baby will, most certainly, die. Either that, or your cah-raazy wife set it up so that your baby will follow its own path to self-destruction.
2. You should probably not marry an insufferable asshole
When your husband or boyfriend tries to convince you that he can “cure you”, even if he is an analyst/psychologist, etc., it’s probably time to abandon ship (the S.S. Relation-ship, that is! Somebody stop me!) , especially if it involved having them put you in close encounter with your biggest fear. Not only is it a totally transparent attempt to take power away from you (Score! once again for Captain Obvious Von Trier!) , it’s totally obnoxious to hear someone go on and on about what an genius they are because they studied psychology or whatever in school, and that therefore, they now have the keys to the universe.
3. Don’t take Ms. Crazypants off her meds because you apparently have no other way of coping with death
Hey, you know what the best way is to prove you’re Mr. Smarty Mc Smartpants is? Taking people off medication whenever you feel like it and hoping for the best!
4. Wimmenz! They can’t control theyselves because they ain’t human!
Women: can’t live with ’em and you can’t legally kill ’em! Unless you lived during various time periods when there were witchhunts. You know what always happens when people study those phenomenons? They start to realize that wimmenz are controlled by nature, because it’s wimmenz nature, not man nature! Hooman nature? I’m pretty sure that means man. But, you know, the Bible and stuff. Women. Eden? Yeah! It’s AnchorMAN, not AnchorLADY! AND THAT IS A SCIENTIFIC FACT. That pretty much sums up Von Trier’s sophisticated gender analysis in this movie.
5. When you’re afraid someone will leave you, you should commit yourself to performing the most obvious metaphor possible
If you can’t mentally manipulate someone into into not leaving you (like our friend Dafoe over here), just drill some sort of a concrete wheel into their leg. Problem solved. More like Lars Von Trickster! Oh, you!
6. Don’t jerk off a recently injured penis, because you’ll probably get blood all over yourself.
Who knew that hard dicks could retain their hardness even after they’ve been literally beaten on with a large concrete object? Jeez Louise, guys will withstand ANYTHING to get laid, amirite, ladies? There’s that nature again! Just make sure you don’t jerk him off after you’ve beaten his penis down with concrete, because apparently, he’ll ejaculate blood all over you. Probably not a great time to try bukkake for the first time.
7. Clitoredectmies: is there a right way?
Nope. No there isn’t.
8. Talking foxes speak da troof
And last but not least, if a fox tries to tell you something about your relationship, you should probably listen to them. Because nature is all-knowing and all-seeing. Or is that God? I don’t even know anymore, and I’m pretty sure neither does Lars. Incidentally, aside from virtually evey other scene, this one with the fox probably got the most laughs. Way to rip off Fantastic Mr. Fox, LARS!