Job Interview
Har!
It’s a requirement of adulthood that we have to do things that we don’t want to do to get to the place we want to be. Sometimes jobs suck, but we do them because it gets us to the place we want to be. Then there are the jobs your interview for that make you feel like the robot Stepford version of yourself. But that feeling should be a red flag “I don’t belong here” moment for you. Wouldn’t it be nice to say what’s really on your mind in those situations?
Well, I’ve done it for you. Below are the ideal responses to all of the stupid, inane interview questions we’ve all had to field one time or another.
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“Nice to meet you, too. No,no trouble finding it at all… I had a friend who used to live kind of near here so…yeah”
“Well I guess what my main interest in the position is the fact that it pays money, and in order for me to get that money it requires that I do essentially the exact same thing that I do at my current job, only in a slightly different part of town that’s a little further from the train but it’s really okay because honestly, I am sick to death of all the sandwiches places near where I work now.”
“Why do I want to leave my current job? Well if you could see my supervisors fucking face everyday with that half-frown thing she always has going on like she finds whatever you are doing/saying/explaining to be as confusing and baffling as she apparently finds her MS Word program, well you’d be shopping around too buddy boy…But seriously, no, I’m just sick of the sight of the place. And I want more money. And I heard you guys do a breakfast cart on Thursdays. Oh, on Fridays? Eh, either way.”
“Ummm……long term goals. Long term goals, long term goals….Well, I gotta say, aside from marrying that millionaire chick with the lazy eye who works out at my gym, paying off my assload of student loan debt and getting the fuck outta–oh professionally? Well… professionally speaking I guess I’d just like to coast along through this job, not doing too much , but not fucking up too much either, you know what I mean? Aaaand then get promoted, coast through that job, and then you know, just kinda keep on going and going until I get to that job way up there at the top where you really don’t have to do anything and everybody knows you don’t do anything and I just kinda sit back, cash checks and have those three martini lunches everyone’s always talking about. Like the guys on Mad Men. I guess you could say my career goals are to be on Mad Men. But, like, in real life. And not the fat guy.”
“Where do I see myself in five to ten years? What if I said on top of your wife? Hahaha, nah, I’m just playing with you, I saw that picture when I walked in, she’s a beautiful girl. Well sir, I guess I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see myself working hard and eventually taking over your job. And I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t see myself getting a hummer on the beach in Fiji while I watch a bunch of naked Polynesian girls wax my seaplane.”
“Okay, strengths and weaknesses, here we go. Well I guess I can start with my weaknesses. Mainly, I work too hard, I care too much, I’m often exhausted from all of the charity work that I do, and I’m just so goddamn good at what I’m interviewing for right here, that you’re gonna feel really, really guilty about how fucking little you’re willing to pay me. My strengths are my modesty and humility.”
“Well, you should probably know that I’m fully prepared to give you two or even three months of good to very good work performance, along with punctuality, a can-do attitude and a sense of humor At that time I will slowly and deftly begin to test the boundaries and parameters of exactly what I can get away with here; long lunches, leaving early, surfing the net on company time, you name it. My work will decrease in quality. Sure, it won’t be noticeable at first, but slowly, slowly, rest assured, I will begin to phone it in. But don’t fret–I’ll pull it all together about a month before the performance review begins, just in time to catch that sweet raise and then of course, the cycle begins anew.”
“Well, I work really well with others if by “work well” you mean kiss the appropriate ass cheek, act obedient and respectful and then speak disparagingly about their hairstyles/kids appearance/clothing choice/Dilbert calendar in whispered asides in the breakroom, and if by “others” you mean ” you”.
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