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A Guide to Riding the SF MUNI: Part One

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Anyone who lives in San Francisco knows your ride home can make or break your night. You may see something devastating like a baby taking it’s first steps, or something hilarious like an elderly woman falling from her walker. Either way, you’re going to cry after you masturbate and that’s what really brings this twisted metropolis together. Here are a few basic rules that I think are pretty reasonable for everybody to adhere to while riding the MUNI:

1. Do heroin after you get off.

It’s never good manners to shoot up before riding the bus. Keep in mind that you’re on public transportation, not backstage at the Miley Cyrus show. I always get really sad when I see someone so strung out they’ve turned into a zombie and can’t manage to sit up straight. I once saw a guy with his eyes rolled back in his head and upper body swaying back and forth, only to drop his milkshake all over the floor and pass out. It made me feel empty and depressed for the rest of the week, it was a strawberry milkshake.

2.Don’t soil yourself.

Everyone has had that moment where you smell something on the bus that makes you wish you believed in something so you could pray for the sweet release of death. Whether it’s urine, pooticles, or just plain body odor, it’s aggravated rape of the nose. I’ll never forget the time I smelled nachos and my mouth watered, and the horror of realizing there were no nachos in the vicinity.

3. If you’re gonna ralph, get off the bus.

I’ve seen way too many people vomiting on the floor of the bus, and it’s just plain rude. I’ve never met a person who spontaneously barfed without their body giving at least 30 seconds notice. That’s more than enough time to make it to the door, if not off the bus. If you have the money to go out and get annihalated, you have the $14 it’ll cost to get a cab. There’s no need to involve victims while morphing into Pukeasaurus Rex. It’s something that should be done in the privacy of your own home, like after watching 2 Girls, 1 Cup or the Victoria’s Secret fashion show.

4. Mind your sack.

There’s really no need to occupy more than one seat, and chances are a real person will appreciate the load off a lot more than your bag. No one believes that you were too busy thinking about feeding the homeless to put your purse on your lap. Face it, you are young, over privileged and beautiful. Scoot the fuck over.

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Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller was raised in a small, quaint village named Portland, Oregon before spontaneously packing two suitcases, scrounging up $300 and catching a flight to San Francisco. Judging from his garbage, he is a connoisseur of Sun Chips and rather inexpensive wine. His personal goals are to refrain from hailing and accepting rides in random cars as well as greatly reduce the amount of hugs he provides for the homeless community. While touring Jamaica and prompted for his opinion on the prevalence of TB in third world countries, Miller eagerly asked, "They have Taco Bell here?"


  1. Elan Gaite
    November 4, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    Very informative, I will stop doing that all at the same time. Strawberry milkshakes are really good.

  2. Laurel
    November 4, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    Very,very funny, Ryan….I had a bit of a hair-raising ride yesterday. I was coming home from a very nice reception downtown on the 1-California and after a while asked a woman if she could please speak a little more quietly… LOL! Huge mistake, as you can imagine. She got more and more agitated to the point she was screaming profanities and saying I got up close and yelled in her face to “SHUT-UPPPPPPPPPPP”. I moved to the back of the bus where everyone was rolling their eyes in sympathy. When I told my 20-year-old daughter the story at home, she said simply “NEVER speak to anyone on the Muni”. Oops and never again!

  3. Stephen Torres - Threadbare-Fact Finder (Editor, San Francisco)
    November 4, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    There are more flavours here than the Brach’s candy kiosk.