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How to Lose a Gay in 10 Seconds

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Photo manipulation courtesy of Dave.

I’ve only recently discovered the importance of a sturdy meal before a night out. There I was at the bar and in walks a mega babe who proceeded to join the group I was with. Once he started yapping, he spit out his words with a British accent which just may be the cutest thing since Satan invented premature babies. After a few hours and tequila shots we were really hitting it off, and then I realized I had no idea where my poker face was. Suddenly, one of the cords in my brain snapped faster than Christopher Reeves (he had a horrible temper), and I decided it was in my best interest to ask, “Do you ever feel personally responsible for England dividing and destroying the world?” At that point, he stormed out and then it hit me that I had just ruined everything I had been dreaming for the last five seconds before he walked in the door. Wondering how I got sloshed so fast, I realized that the only thing I had eaten throughout the course of the day was a bagel.

If you’re anything like me, you a) can’t help but laugh when a little kid trips and falls down, and b) have innocently gone out to grab a drink with your coworkers and woken up the next morning wondering why there’s a chicken strip in your pocket. You’re out having fun and the next thing you know, you’ve turned into pukeahontas and you’re crying while you’re on the phone with your friend. The dangerous part is it’s illegal to hold your phone to your ear and drive at the same time, so I’d strongly advise texting instead. Nobody leaves the house with the intentions of getting wrecked, but skipping a meal beforehand is a fail proof recipe for debauchery and crying in your bed.

Everyone thinks grabbing a piece of pizza when you’re four deep will get you back on your feet, but the fact of the matter is, at that point it’s already way too late. By stuffing that slice down your dirty pie hole, you’re not only a drunk, now you’re a fat drunk. I’d suggest upon waking up and before drinking your daily good-morning spritzer, try a light snack like braised clams or a bag of funyuns. It may make a world of difference and when you determine it’s necessary to insult someone, you’ll know in your heart it’s only because they are truly disgusting.

So yeah, I guess the moral of the story is: Make sure to eat something before you go out drinking because blowing your chances with a hottie feels almost as bad as the next day’s hangover.

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Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller was raised in a small, quaint village named Portland, Oregon before spontaneously packing two suitcases, scrounging up $300 and catching a flight to San Francisco. Judging from his garbage, he is a connoisseur of Sun Chips and rather inexpensive wine. His personal goals are to refrain from hailing and accepting rides in random cars as well as greatly reduce the amount of hugs he provides for the homeless community. While touring Jamaica and prompted for his opinion on the prevalence of TB in third world countries, Miller eagerly asked, "They have Taco Bell here?"


  1. Kate Kotler - DIY Diva
    November 6, 2009 at 10:05 am

    Dave, after a couple of shit-tastic days this column made me laugh so hard that I cried AND peed a little. ^5…

  2. Kate Kotler - DIY Diva
    November 6, 2009 at 10:06 am

    /face palm… Ryan. My bad. I clearly am distracted by your hilarity and my lack of coffee/sleep.

  3. Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst
    November 6, 2009 at 10:12 am

    are you hitting on me?

  4. Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap
    November 6, 2009 at 10:21 am

    I love the photo!

  5. Kate Kotler - DIY Diva
    November 6, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    Um, given your post that would be extremely silly, now wouldn’t it? Just sayin’ I appreciated the humorous wake up this AM. But, if you WANT me to hit on you — it wouldn’t be the first time I threw myself at an openly gay man…

  6. Elan Gaite
    November 6, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    You need to throw yourself into an wide open gay man. Ummmm…that didn’t cum out right.

  7. Laurel
    November 6, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    Love the comments.. Love the post!

  8. Kate Kotler - DIY Diva
    November 6, 2009 at 5:05 pm


  9. AnnaG
    November 6, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    You had me at “the cutest thing since Satan invented premature babies”

  10. Coach Sizzle
    November 8, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    dying laughing.. great stuff ryan. 🙂

  11. liz brandon
    December 9, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    I THINK U R KINDA FUNNY….more baby jokes next time please.