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Ryan’s Famous “Am I Gay?” Litmus Test

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As a full blown queer living in San Francisco, a shocking number of my straight friends have confided in me that they’ve had homosexually charged erotic fantasies. From what I’ve observed, it appears as though everyone has had at least one secret experience that made them feel a  little faggy, whether that be intense eye contact or hardcore anal. Most of us have made our choice between bologna ponies and meat curtains, but for those who still aren’t 100%, I’ve thrown together a three-question litmus test that will help those in question determine where they stand when it comes to their bicuriosity.


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1. How do you feel about Kathy Griffin?

A. She’s hilarious!
B. She’s alright, kind of annoying.
C. Who the fuck is Kathy Griffin?
D. I’d do her if I was drunk.

A-4, B-2, C-1, D-3


1. How do you feel about Angelina Jolie?

A. She’s a homewrecker!
B. She’s beautiful, I wish I had her lips.
C. She’s gone a little downhill lately.
D. She’s the sexiest woman alive.

A-1, B-3, C-2, D-4


2. If you had to choose your position in a game of football, which would you pick?

A. Tight End.
B. Quarterback.
C. Offensive Lineman.
D. Wide Receiver.

A-3, B-2, C-1, D-4


2. Say you’re going to meet a friend for lunch and a movie. Which brand of shoe would you pick?

A. Vans.
B. Christian Louboutin.
C. Crocs.
D. Birkenstocks.

A-2, B-1, C-3, D-4

All right, now that we have those questions out of the way, add up your totals.

If you scored 1-4, chances are your bicuriosity is just that: curiosity.

If you scored 5-8, it might be time to get your gay on.

But scores aside, the real answer lies in the last question which will apply to both guys and girls. Go with your immediate response, no takesies-backsies.

3. Picture an insanely attractive member of your same sex standing naked in front of you. Do you want to put their junk in your mouth?

If you answered “no”, I’m very sorry but you are not gay.

If you answered “yes”, that’s disgusting. Welcome! Your membership card along with a free sample of hair product will be arriving in 6 to 8 weeks.

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Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller was raised in a small, quaint village named Portland, Oregon before spontaneously packing two suitcases, scrounging up $300 and catching a flight to San Francisco. Judging from his garbage, he is a connoisseur of Sun Chips and rather inexpensive wine. His personal goals are to refrain from hailing and accepting rides in random cars as well as greatly reduce the amount of hugs he provides for the homeless community. While touring Jamaica and prompted for his opinion on the prevalence of TB in third world countries, Miller eagerly asked, "They have Taco Bell here?"


  1. Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap
    January 22, 2010 at 10:00 am

    That photo is priceless.

  2. Anastasia Beaverhousen
    January 22, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    “I’ll wear you to the wedding.”

    So…. i scored not so gay on the first two but explicitly gay on the third question.

    Am i going to hell?

  3. Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst
    January 23, 2010 at 7:04 am

    That’s a tricky one. I guess it really depends on your life choes. But I hope to see you at the party down there.