Arts and Culture

5 Couples You Secretly Loathe

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

This post is somewhat  imitative of Anna’s “Guys Not to Date” post, and partially inspired by this oh-so-true GQ article about Facebook friends you hate–especially Pedestrian Details Lady, am I right?!??!

We’re all old enough now that it’s not unusual to find yourself socializing with a bunch of couples.  Sometimes, you’ll even look around the brunch table and discover that you’re all a bunch of couples. That feeling is just kind of really gross, but sort of inevitable given people’s tendencies to mate.  That said, there are a few varieties of couple out there which are particularly loathsome if you have the misfortune of being on say, a group vacation with them, staying at their house or any other situation in which you are forced to observe their behavior for more than a couple of hours.  While they may be awesome people as individuals, there is something Mr.Hyde-ian about the alchemy of their couple-hood and it creates a monster.

The “Baby” Couple

Baaaby? Where's that coke straw, baaaby?

“Baby, will you get me a beer?”

“Im, hungry baby. Are you hungry, baby?”

“Baby, did you take the trash out?”

“Do you think the  public option ever had any hope in the health care bill, baby?”

We all have pet names for our significant other and it’s nice to use them, but when you replace your significant other’s given name Every. Single. Time. with the word “baby” you have officially gone way, way, too far.

The We-Are-So-Independent-and-Functional-That-We-Can-Ignore-Each-Other-Couple

It's really boring in here, isn't it?

They have totally separate work lives, totally separate friends, like totally different kinds of music but somehow seem to get along tremendously well, although there is a notable lack of sexual or physical chemistry between them.  Are they actually loathsome?  Only inasmuch as they inspire jealousy at their lack of co-dependence, but still you have the sneaking suspicion that they ignore each other at home and have terrible, boring sex.

The Fighting in Front of You Couple

You fucking SUCK at mixing, you know that?

I’m not talking about a little  “I knew we should have taken the G train, why didn’t you listen to me,” bickering, I’m talking about full on “Why do you always ignore me at parties I cam here to be with you and you barely even talk to me do you think I like this?” fighting while you’re standing right there and the awkwardness is palpable.  Pretty much the only thing that’s worse than a couple fighting openly in front of you, is when they drag you into it.  “Didn’t I say this would happpen?  Didn’t I?” and you’re left stammering and struggling and shrugging and just generally feeling horribly awkward.

The “So Fucking in Love with You” Couple

"Smelling this rose with you is way better than watching basketball with my friends"

These couples are generally in the honeymoon phase of their courtship (which in my case lasted almost 4 years-sorry, friends), or have just gotten engaged.  Either way, watch out, especially if you are newly single.  Their puppy-doggish devotion and affection towards one another can be stomach churning at best and sob-inducing at worst.  While you’re happy they are happy being around them can be almost too much to bear.

The Sexual Innuendo Couple

"That In-N-Out Burger over there makes me wanna go In-N-Out of you"

SNL tried, (unsuccessfully, I felt) to express the nature of this sort of a couple with a skit by Cheri O’Teri and some other guy.  Basically, these are the people who consistently remind you and anyone else who are around that they have a SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP and that plenty of quotidian, pedestrian objects or comments remind them of a significant piece of their STORIED SEXUAL HISTORY. I was once at brunch with a couple who shall remain nameless when somehow the topic of how useless Radio Shack is was raised. Within seconds a wholesome conversation about a faltering electronics store had devolved into a weird 2-person back-and-forth chockablock with thinly veiled euphemisms about buying batteries for sex toys.  Don’t do it, guys.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Broke-Ass Financial Coaching: How to Stop Getting Ripped Off

Next post

The Rusty Knot: A Home Away from Home

BAS Writers

BAS Writers

BAS Writers is mostly a collection of articles written by people for the early days of this site. Back then nobody knew that snarky articles they were writing could come back and haunt them when job searching a decade later.