Arts and Culture

Wirelessin’

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I can't believe you're into fisting!

"I'm so glad you're into fisting...also, I'm gay."

So here’s something.  Last weekend I was in New York City which is the best, and I had to take the ol’ bus back to Boston which is the worst.  I was excited though because I was looking forward to 4 hours of uninterrupted WiFi time aboard the Megabus.  I sat on the second level of the bus, which is something you can do since it’s a double-decker which I had never been aboard.  On the way down to New York I had ridden up top in the very front.  It was  amazing because you have this giant window of plate glass in front of you and on either side of you as though you were the driver, only you’re much closer to the front and you’re high up and don’t have to watch the road unless you want to.  It’s also deeply dangerous because you have this giant window of plate glass in front of you and on either side.  SO anyway the ride down was a fun ride because it was the day and everything,  but the ride back up was about Getting Serious Work done. An elderly couple, the kind who seem absolutely mystified and overcome with wonder at anything invented after 1945 had taken the front seats on level two, so I parked myself in a seat a few rows back from them determined to get said Serious Work Done.

Not two minutes into the journey however, the best laid plans fell to pieces.  The bus’s promised WiFi cut out.  I didn’t know what to do. It was simply impossible to establish a connection.  I thought about going downstairs (yes,on the bus) and asking the guy driving the thing what the hell the story was, but then I got worried. What if the bus driver was like 'œwhy are you wasting our time with this shit?' Or worse, got distracted and drove us off the road and to our deaths? Plus I felt like I didn’t want to be that asshole who creates problems and dramas about something as insignificant as Internet connectivity. I could already envision my fellow passengers exchanging disgusted glances, strangers bonding over their shared hatred of me and their disappointment in my presence on their bus.  So instead I sat and attempted to poach internet from the various networks that I passed as the bus wended its way from midtown up through the Bronx and into Westchester.

It stands to reason that anytime you put 8 million people together in the same geographic location, a bunch of them are gonna be kinda wacky.  This fact was displayed beautifully in the names of people’s different wireless network.  For every 5 boring ones like 'œwest 56th street' 'œAmsterdam home' 'œoffice wireless' or some other innocuous thing there were some real winnners.  To wit:

Palin 2012 – Is it ironic? Or perhaps a poaching-deterrent device? Probably, in which case: funny! If it’s in earnest though, kudos, because What the Fuck is The Matter With You? And way to have no shame about puttin’ it out there!

Steelers Suck – Interesting that someone’s hatred of one team (the Pittsburgh Steelers) outweighed his love for his own team (i don’t know enough about sports rivalries to hazard a guess) to such an extent that the idea of putting, say, 'œGiants Rule' or some such was just not enough. This wireless customer felt that hate was stronger than love, and for that, is a fascinating figure.

Can’t Touch This – and right you are, because your network was password protected.  Touche.

Noxious Beast '“ I like it!

Clown College '“ Perhaps this person is really just a wacky sort of a guy who lives in a wacky house with wacky friends and does a bunch of crazy shit all day.  But more likely he is referencing the episode of The Simpsons in which Homer enrolls in Krusty’s clown college. Classic mirthmaking, that.

Mr. Hoffman’s Internet '“ This one is so staid and boring that it is rendered hilarious.  I can just see Mr. Hoffman, mustache, glasses, corduroy jacket with leather elbow patches, seated at his desk which has absolutely no clutter whatsoever anywhere NEAR it, and powering up his Dell,  dead. fucking. serious. about secure connections. He’ll then spend a quiet, snowy afternoon furiously masturbating to Dutch clog-dancer porn.

Pussai Palace '“ Well played.

Inseminator – I can picture the head of this household greeting his buddies at Nevada Smith’s with an impish grin and a shake of the head 'œYeah, bro, another one, man.  She’s getting another abortion though, so its  cool.'

Thinfatninja '“ A silent sufferer of little-discussed, oft-ignored Assasin Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

Look Ma, No Wires '“ Super corny. This guy is destined to embarrass the shit out of his preteen daughters.

House of Insanity '“ Is it one of those moms who’s always like 'œEverything is just Sooooo crazy around here! We’re just this wacky, happy, messy, joyful, REAL family' or is it actually the wireless network of a mental institution? The mystery is indefatigable.

McFantasy Entertainment – Stripper-coordinator’s office.  Also sells lollypops shaped like dicks.

Stop Stealing Bitch! '“ I think the idea is that each of us attempting to poach from this user as I was, is meant to see this injunction directed towards ourselves. The force of the strong language (Stop! Bitch!) is specifically designed to cause a kind of jarring reflection, forcing us to examine what led us to think it was okay to poach Internet in the first place.  This wireless network is performing a valuable public service-forcing us to examine our reasons for stealing and by extension, recalibrate our moral compasses.  Wow. Thank you.

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BAS Writers

BAS Writers

BAS Writers is mostly a collection of articles written by people for the early days of this site. Back then nobody knew that snarky articles they were writing could come back and haunt them when job searching a decade later.

7 Comments

  1. Andrew Dalton - Aggressive Panhandler
    February 18, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Mine is “Naked Baby PIctures” it seemed like a fun way to offend the neighbors at the time. (4 years ago, sigh.) Now I live in a much nicer building with much older and more grownup neighbors and I still haven’t changed it because I’m the worst.

  2. Anna G - Caliburg Contributor
    February 18, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Mr. Hoffman’s Internet is my fave.

  3. Laura S - Spendthrift Scribe
    February 19, 2010 at 8:57 am

    Bus wifi has never worked for me, for the record “Deez Nutz” was one of my old neighbors networks

  4. dana
    February 19, 2010 at 9:59 am

    mr. hoffman’s internet – a network composed by a man whose life’s passion was the world wide web in honor of his son who was born with a mortal fear of the insecurities of the internet. also the son was probably blind.

  5. pat
    February 19, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Some neighboring apartment here in San francisco mission has “shit stained balls” network.

  6. Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap
    February 19, 2010 at 10:05 am

    This shit is hilarious!!

  7. February 19, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    I got Casa Farts and HELLA BONE THUGZ, both of which seem self-explanatory.