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Look Good While Doing the Walk of Shame

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Anna G’s Guide to The Walk of Shame

We’ve all been there: the day after unplanned sex.Whether you’re gearing to get the hell out of there as soon as humanly possible, need to make the inevitable trek home after an amazing morningtime fuckfest, or just need to head to brunch and slam down a few bloody marys to take away the horrible, horrible pounding in your head – you’re gonna need to go outside at some point in the potentially night-based selection of clothing you wore last night.

Well, that’s why I’m here: to help throw your broke, drunken, slutty ass a fucking bone. No pun intended.

Before you go out on the town:

1. Try your hardest to stick an extra shirt and/or leggings or skirt in your purse. If you’re not carrying a purse, try & stick it in your coat or jacket, if possible. If it’s summer, you can maybe try stuffing a small tank somewhere, or you can wear a tank under a different shirt the night before.

2. Always bring gum

3.  Never wear fake eyelashes or glitter.  EVER.  There is no conceivable reason anyone over the age of 16 should be wearing glitter anyway.  Unless you’re a clown. In which case, ew, you people make me sick.

It’s too late, and you didn’t prepare in the slightest:

1. If you’re wearing a weird fancy & relatively thin layer on top of a tank, if you don’t mind it getting either wrinkled a little, you can try fashioning one of them into a belt or hairtie. Keep in mind, this can go horribly awry depending on the thickness and texture, so if you can, try it on before you go anywhere.

2. Pull a Kate Moss. If you’re wearing a long dress & it rips, make it a minidress and work it. If it’s from Forever 21 or H&M, you can just rip it yourself. Trust me, it’ll probably be the last time you can ever wear it anyway, rip or no rip.

3. In the summer, flip flops are fairly inexpensive and comfortable footwear. Buying these at your nearest opportunity can be a hell of a less price to pay than making the trek in heels you’ve probably injured yourself trying to walk in, in the first place. As a general rule on high heels– if you don’t remember feeling pain the night before, you’re sure as hell going to feel it now.

4. Applying a new layer of mascara can freshen up your face overall, except if your face is already smeared with old mascara, in which case, wash that face off your head, bitch!

5. If possible, borrow a shirt from the person you’ve diddled. Sometime is can be all you need to look normal. Plus, they really didn’t need that shirt anyway

Happy slutting!

top photo from Glamour

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Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.

4 Comments

  1. Lady ya ya not ga ga
    May 3, 2009 at 8:26 am

    That’s pretty freaking hilarious. I have a tip just sneak out in the middle of the night before day breaks and take a cab. Your shame will only be known by your cabby and doorman and if youre like me and dont have a doorman thats one less human interaction and your low key slutting can remain just that.

  2. March 12, 2010 at 11:34 am

    clean white shirt in your desk drawer

  3. Kiley E - Ragamuffin Researcher
    March 12, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    Keep a rubber band or a headscarf in your bag to cover up any nasty, dried sweat encrusted sex hair. Also, I prefer calling it “The stride of pride.”

  4. Laura S - Spendthrift Scribe
    March 12, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Or just embrace your electric blue leggings in the morning and hope that your work commute involves the L train where that sort of nonsense is totally acceptable