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Things You Will See if You Tour the Tenderloin (NSFW)

Yesterday the New York Times did a piece about the possibility of the Tenderloin being turned into a tourist attraction.  All I have to say is, it’s about time!  Jesus Christ, putting together a list of all the wondrous things tourists can see is a bit daunting, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.  Here are just some of the marvels that you’ll witness in the tenderest part of our dear city:

Human Shit: You know that big pile of  feces you just stepped in?  Yeah, that shit ain’t from no shitzu.  I mean, look at the number of stray dogs running around the neighborhood compared to the number of stray people.  Don’t see too many stray dogs huh?  That guy you saw crouching in the alleyway wasn’t looking for something he dropped, he was leaving somebody a present.  The most fucked up thing is, the longer you live here, the easier you can smell the difference between human crap and dog do.

People Smoking Crack: The Tenderloin has more crack than the Liberty Bell.  I know you’ve seen people puffing the stuff on The Wire or maybe during some investigative reporting on 60 Minutes, but now is your chance to see it live and in person!  It’ll be like being in your favorite Dave Chappelle skit.

Junkies Nodding Off While Standing Up: The old nodding off while standing trick is one of the finest performances you can see in the TL.  The years of practice and skill it takes is immeasurable.  Watching someone slowly bend closer and closer to the ground just to pop up at the moment you think they’re gonna collapse is breathtaking.  It will keep you on the edge of your seat.

People You are Absolutely Terrified of: While wandering the Loin, you may come across a corners populated by groups of menacing looking people.  If you’re a reasonable person, your internal “oh shit I might get beaten/mugged/raped” meter should go off.  If this happens I advise you to cross the street to avoid having to pass through the throng.  Judging a book by its cover may not be PC, but getting your ass kicked and having your PC taken from you backpack sucks.  You shouldn’t have had it with you anyways.

People Selling Stolen Items on the Street: Ever wonder where peoples’ things go when they get stolen?  Many of them end up on the streets of the Tenderloin.  That $2000 Macbook you had pinched from your car is probably being sold at the corner of Jones and Ellis as we speak.  Luckily you can probably buy it back for $50 or bag of crack.

Prostitutes: Despite the unanticipated rise in catcalls voiced in your direction, you did not suddenly become more attractive.  No sir, those women are prostitutes.  You’re still fat and ugly, but you can fuck those girls if you’ve got some cash.

Tranny Prostitutes: Same as above but this time with more Adams Apple.

Drug Deals in Front of The Police Station: Really, this happens all the time.  Trying to stop drug deals in the TL is like putting your finger in the dyke.  And I don’t mean that in a sexy way.

People Passed out in Very Uncomfortable Positions: Sometimes strolling through the Tenderloin feels like you just walked into a giant game of freeze tag.  You wonder how on Earth people could possibly sleep on the hard cement in such an awkward position.  Did they just pass out wherever they were without any regard for comfort?  In my professional opinion, I’d say yes.

Awesome Vietnamese Food: Hey, the Tenderloin isn’t all fucking, sucking and getting high.  There’s great restaurants too!

There are so many other lovely attraction to see in the Tenderloin that the list could go on forever.  Maybe we will run a part two, maybe not.  But until then enjoy your self guided tour, and watch where you step.

Photos from Food on Drunk, Esquire, Venessa Nina, Daylife, Canada.com, RealFilf.

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

I've been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle , "an SF cult hero": SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York, but to those familiar with my work, I'm just "that douchebag who writes books about cheap stuff and drinks a lot".