Arts and Culture

Why I Hate The Lakers

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“Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don’t allow music.”


Of all sporting events, basketball is by far my favorite to spectate and to play. My years as a Junior Jazz superstar solidified basketball a warm cozy place in my heart. It has also allowed me to nurture and birth a strong and pure hatred.

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I should clarify that I am in no way an extreme sports fan or expert. Instead of discrediting my opinion, that information should only strengthen my credibility. Despite my apathy, I STILL hate the Lakers. I can only imagine how much a true basketball fan could grow to loathe this team of fuckwads. In fact, I dislike the Lakers more than I like any one team in particular.  So, whether you agree with me (I like you) or disagree (I don’t care) enjoy the following reasons that the Lakers blow.

A Legacy of Douchebaggery
Professional athletes in general are not known for their strong moral character and faithfulness to their significant others, but there is something in that stolen water down in Los Angeles that seems to bring out the bro in the Lakers. First of all, anyone who marries a Kardashian after only a month of dating knocks down their level of classy a notch or two. I’m looking at YOU Lamar Odom.

And Kobe. Oh Kobe. Where do I begin? Kobe Bryant, King of the Douche has scarred the earth with his flagrant disregard for human decency.  Kobe Bryant’s only contribution to society has been to teach the youngsters who look up to him that if you fuck up, just buy your wife a big diamond, and all is good.

Not even Leo can save you now

The Fans

Lakers fans live in another realm of annoying. The blind “just because I (along with nine million other people) live in LA, the Lakers are MY team and I will follow them til the end” loyalty really gets on my nerves for some reason. They all just act so entitled and whiny at any and every opportunity.

Also, any game where more publicists are buying tickets than actual fans should be taken as a bad sign. I am sick of pictures of celebrities and their bored stick figure girlfriends watching Lakers games courtside with their sunglasses on INSIDE cluttering up my gossip rags.

Inferiority Complex
Dear Lakers,

Stop trying to be as great as the Chicago bulls of the 1990’s. You aren’t. You can’t. Just stop. Even with the stache-less Phil Jackson in your ranks, you will never be able to live up to the greatness that was the Jordan/Pippen/Rodman era.

Sincerely, Me.

They Only Have One Redeeming Quality.
His name is Pau Gasol. I love him. For no real reason, other than he is a big crazy tall Spaniard that reminds me of Kevin, the giant bird in “Up.”

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Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner

Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner

Ali was born and raised in the Wholesome/Creepy capital of the world, Salt Lake City, UT. Once she was old enough to blow that pop stand she escaped to the place that was the anti-SLC: The Peoples Gay-public of Drugifornia aka San Francisco (holla 30 Rock!). You can now find her throughout this glorious city slurping Pho and scheming with her best friend Pinky doing what they do every night; try and take over the world.


  1. dana
    April 13, 2010 at 11:25 am

    also, contemporary phil jackson.

  2. April 13, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    i’m a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge lakers fan. we should catch some playoff games together.

  3. Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner
    April 13, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    You’re on! As long as you don’t mind me rolling my eyes and scoffing every time you cheer. There will be judgment. Oh yes.

  4. Vanessa
    April 15, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Wow, this is a poorly written attempt at bashing the Lakers…nice try. Firstly, there are players who’ve made marital decisions like these littered over the entire realm of American and International sports- really…the Odom wedding? It’s been done, countless times! Secondly, the Lakers attempting to be the Chicago Bulls?? What NBA team doesn’t desire that sort of swagger and ballgame?? They were an incredible team…hello! Lastly, it is completely unacceptable to dog an entire city of nine million people for being loyal to their teams- this is an irrevocable right of a fan, to cheer for your home team.

    In regard to Pau Gasol- good move. Pau is a consistent presence in LA for motivating youth, cleaning up the inner city and reaching out to the Spanish-speaking citizens. Your horrible rants have a single redeemable quality, I suppose.

  5. Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner
    April 16, 2010 at 10:14 am

    This is Khloe Kardashian isn’t it?

  6. Evyan
    April 26, 2010 at 7:42 am

    I love the Lakers, but it cracks me up that your only redeeming quality is this guy:

    Although this makes me like him more.

  7. November 4, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    season has started! lakers 5-0 so far! wanna catch lakers v. warriors sunday november 21 at 6:30pm?