Arts and Culture

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

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Dear Mamma Nature,

We need to talk. We’ve always had a pretty good understanding, you and I. You provide all that is beautiful and healthy and, well, natural on the coolest planet there is (besides Saturn obviously) and I do my best not to fuck it all up. I would say that I do better than most. I recycle, I don’t litter, and I generally try to stay out of your way. I just feel like lately you have been all up ins, and I’m trying to understand why.

First if all this San Francisco “Summer” of yours is a bunch of bullshit! I hear on the outside others are parading around in the beautiful balmy heat and some are even wearing shorts (whether they should or not is a different story). So why, pray tell, am I digging out my gloves and winter jackets to combat the fog and frigid wind that greets me when I walk out the door? You may be trying to trick us with these few days of sunshine, but I’m no fool. I’m on to you!

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Oh, and while I’m at it, allergies!? Seriously? You lure me outside to your faux nice weather only to sucker punch my sinuses with your pollen-y voodoo! I’m really trying to make an effort to get off the couch and enjoy your splendor and how do you repay me? With congestion!!

Lastly, I don’t know if it was necessary to unleash your army of little insect bitches to feast on my flesh as they please. I’m alright with the occasional mosquito nibble now and again, but already this summer I’ve had two spider bites and a tick bite. A tick!!! That was just rude.

I’m not really sure where to go from here. As I stare out the window, looking for some sign that you care, that you are ready to hold up your end of the deal, all I see is a blustery, overcast day waiting to disappoint me all over again. You cut me deep.

Awaiting an Apology,


PS Is this about that whole oil spill thing? Hmm, ok yeah, fair enough.

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Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner

Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner

Ali was born and raised in the Wholesome/Creepy capital of the world, Salt Lake City, UT. Once she was old enough to blow that pop stand she escaped to the place that was the anti-SLC: The Peoples Gay-public of Drugifornia aka San Francisco (holla 30 Rock!). You can now find her throughout this glorious city slurping Pho and scheming with her best friend Pinky doing what they do every night; try and take over the world.

1 Comment

  1. October 20, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    I just wanted to say thanks as a mother who blogs, posts like these keep me occupied while the kids are asleep!

    I noticed you have a Twitter icon on your site. I got a nice free one at if you want to update yours, I’m sure you’ll find something nice 😀

    Oh, baby is waking up, I will read more next time!