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How to Support Team USA (and Not Go Broke or Look like a Douche)

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Man oh MAN, I am so excited about this World Cup. Normally, at this stage, an entire nation of deluded youth who think that America might someday care about soccer finds itself flailing somewhere between wild panic and bitter apathy. They bob in this temperate ocean because by this point Team USA has either lost or not qualified or has found some other way to provide a huge letdown for its handful of fans. Not this time! Not in Tim Howard‘s house!

So what now, America? Who is going to show up with me to get bombed on Schlitz specials at an embarrassing hour of the afternoon when the United States takes on Ghana this Saturday? You? Not so fast. You gotta suit up.

What’s that you say? You’re too broke to afford a shiny and official Clint Dempsey jersey? You don’t want to look like a douchebag? Garbage! Don’t even fret. I will show you the way.

Jersey Schmersey.
Oh hell no, I ain’t paying no $65 for an official, FIFA-sanctioned America jersey. The ones they wear this year suck anyway. Don’t bother with this step unless you go down to Chinatown or your city’s equivalent and buy a reasonable, semi-legitimate knockoff for a fraction of that cost. FIFA has enough money anyway. Fuck '˜em.

Straight fool in my (USA) bandanna'
You cannot believe how excited I was when, upon my arrival at Loreley in Brooklyn yesterday, my friend produced two matching American flag bandannas out of nowhere. Yes! Geekfest. I tied it on, kerchief-style, and then we showed Algeria who was boss. They’re cheap, unusually durable, and easy to acquire (bandannas, not Algerians). BUT! There are rules.

NO. Leave this one for the embarrassing summer camp family photos and bikers.

NO. Are you a gang member or resident of Bushwick? No? Alright then.

OK. I’ll allow it. But please stop looking at me like that.

OK. I rocked this one myself yesterday. It was cute.

YES. Go on girl. Do your thing.

There is plenty of room for creativity here, as long as the end result is hilarious and you don’t end up looking like a jackass. On second thought, no one will care. Dress up, get freaky, but pass the pitcher. Let’s go, Team USA! Let’s get in there. Let’s get weird all over Ghana. See you at the bar.

Images courtesy of,,, and

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Polina Yamshchikov - Flirt Poor

Polina Yamshchikov - Flirt Poor

Polina is Siberian by way of Alabama, and therefore cannot pronounce "fire" or "iron" correctly but despite this can still woo men with her cooking skills and enormous Russian cheeks. She can usually be spotted on the streets of Brooklyn either yelling into a cell phone in one of five languages or swilling gin at an inappropriate hour of the morning.