Getting Fit on the Cheap: The Broke-Ass Burpee
We’ve seen your bellies, hipsters.
In parks and bars and on street corners, we’ve watched you amble past, stomach first, unconcerned with the true nature of your characteristic protrusion. Months and years of chugging craft brews and devouring deep-fried pickles has left you overweight and unhealthy. You say you don’t care. You wave your hand and cite Black Francis and Damian Abraham: You don’t need to be thin to be cool.
Some say its ironic, that the belly, when coupled with your perpetual insolvency, makes you a walking contradiction. But that’s moot. What’s important to note is the strong correlation between the belly and cardiovascular disease. And that’s bad news.
Which is why we are going to help. We want the hipster culture to remain thriving and contrarian for years to come, and that starts by getting you in shape. But instead of recommending to you gyms and products, we are going to give you workouts enviable in their adherence to the tenents of broke-assery. Meaning this: This shit is cheap.
The Broke-Ass Burpee
The burpee is something you may have encountered before. Maybe you played football in high school or college and got in trouble. Maybe you fumbled a play or turned up late for practice after a night of bros and brews. Burpees are probably what your coach made you do to punish you. With a grunt or a roar, he ordered you to the ground and commanded you directly into pain.
The pain looked like this.
1) The burpee starts in a squat position. Crouch down.
2) Then, in one deft movement, you kick your feet back and enter into a push up position.
3) That movement is then reversed as you push back into the squat position.
4) You then jump – but not like a fucking school girl. You really jump. You put your quads, calves, hips, soul and spirit into that jump – and you reach. With every jump you are imploring both your body to improve and heaven to give you a high five. That’s how intense that jump is.
5) What happens here varies depending on how many burpees you have done. If this is your first one, then you most likely pulled something and are limping around the room. Or maybe not. Maybe you fucking loved that jump and are falling back to earth ready to rinse and repeat. Because that’s what this is all about: Getting back on that ground and repeating the brupee until pain or injury or exhaustion overtakes you.
After a few repetitions, you may be wondering why anyone puts themselves – or their beloved players – through this. The answer is simple: The burpee is essentially perfect. It is a seamless synthesis of weight resistance and cardiovascular exercise. It attacks your muscles and your lungs and heart, nearly searing the fat off your waistline.
And its cheap. Wicked cheap. In fact, assuming you have your own space to do it, the burpee is free. All you need is your body-weight and a bit of space to move. And that’s it. It is the perfect broke-ass exercise.
Eventually, you may want a bit more of a challenge. The brupee’s intensity can be increased markedly by altering minor parts of its structure. You can, for instance, add some weight to yourself via a backpack. Perhaps you can add a sprint or pull up after your jump. You have a lot of options.
Here you will find a video detailing the steps involved. We humans are visual beings, after all. And we are also sexual ones, which is why we have chosen a clip wherein of barely-clothed and heavily-accented woman explains and demonstrates the process. Yeah, we love you too.