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Awesome/Dangerous Toys of My Childhood

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I started to write this as “awesome toys from my childhood that happened to also be quite dangerous,” and realized that it was more a laundry list of the toys that my accident-prone brother has hurt himself with. He had an uncanny ability as a child to find the sharpest, hardest, pinchy-est part of any toy and somehow cut, burn or otherwise maim himself. It certainly couldn’t have been fun for him, but once the blood was cleaned up he would perk back up and move on to his next hazardous play thing.

My little bro has matured into a fine young man, and his toy accidents have matured into a more expensive habit of dropping his cell phones into any and all liquids in a two mile radius (cups of orange juice, toilets, dog dishes, etc.), but that’s another story for another day. For your nostalgic enjoyment, I have highlighted a few of the injurious culprits. Play safe!

Let’s Go Fishin’
This toy, approved for ages four and up, is perhaps the must unassuming of the bunch. The happy little fishes, motivated by a sliding mechanical contraption behind their butts, open and close their mouths hoping for a taste of the sweet little plastic pellet dangling from your fishing pole. You’d think the danger would be a finger in the mouth of one of the lil’ snappers, but no. Turns out, when you stick your finger in the happy mechanics found under the fish, while the game is in the “on” position, said finger WILL get stuck and sliced. Suck on that 4+.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pizza Thrower
You wouldn’t think a toy that hurdles small foam pizza pies could be so scary, but those little projectiles had surprising accuracy and can hit even the most slightly ajar eye. I suppose I am to blame for many of the sniper shots, but I can’t be held responsible, nor will I apologize for my natural turtle-ninja gifts.

Creepy Crawlers Bug Maker
When the ‘boy’ version of the Easy-Bake Oven came out in the form of the similarly crafted Bug Maker, little brothers everywhere scrambled to stores in hopes of recreating the awesome burn marks their sisters had earned. Although the Easy-baked goods and gummy Creepy Crawlers tasted like delicious sugar-coated self sufficiency, those baking light bulbs inside were fired by Satan himself. No matter how careful you were, the scalding trays never ceased to singe some skin.

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Slap Bracelets
I am here today, to tell you that the rumor about slap bracelets is true: they will cut your shit. In Baby Brother’s case, it was not his wrist thankfully, but his thumb, which in my 4-year-old mind seemed to shed a shocking amount of blood. Thankfully the memory of his boo boo did not deter me from years of happily slapping my accessories on as I made my way to first grade.

Tell me, which toys did you love growing up that you may have sacrificed a finger or two for?

Photos from:,,,,

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Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner

Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner

Ali was born and raised in the Wholesome/Creepy capital of the world, Salt Lake City, UT. Once she was old enough to blow that pop stand she escaped to the place that was the anti-SLC: The Peoples Gay-public of Drugifornia aka San Francisco (holla 30 Rock!). You can now find her throughout this glorious city slurping Pho and scheming with her best friend Pinky doing what they do every night; try and take over the world.


  1. Laura S - Spendthrift Scribe
    June 29, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    The toys that are made now might be even worse. I’d say there is a toy recall every week due to lead and other toxic chemicals, and this one toy that came out last year was found to contain, GHB aka Ecstasy

    No wonder those kids were SO happy on Christmas morning

  2. Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap
    June 29, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    When I was in like 2nd grade, my friend Ann’s little brother had a Power Wheels. This kid was like the poster child for child obesity, he was like 5 and as wide as he was tall. Really, a fat little fucker. Anyways, I was so mad that his mom wouldn’t let me ride the Power Wheels, because she said I was too big. In my head I was like, “Are you fucking kidding me? Your son is a fucking blimp!” but I held my tongue.

    I still really want a power wheel.

  3. Laura S - Spendthrift Scribe
    June 30, 2010 at 6:14 am

    I had a Big Foot one and it was amazing

  4. Tommy
    July 6, 2010 at 10:04 am

    Okay. When I was in 3rd grade I got a playdough playset! Woot! But, when my sister came to talk to me I was cuttin the playdough with a steak knife. I wasn’t paying attention and was still cutting and SHWING!!! Cut off my finger the knuckle and up was totally gone.