Sex and Dating

Who Was Your “Cherry Pie”?: Childhood Aesthetic Expectations

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Ashley’s post about movies and TV from her childhood got me all worked up reminiscin’ about the various cultural items floating about in my head as a child and tween.  Like Ashley, I was incredibly tuned into the fact that if you looked like Nicole Eggert, you basically had it made for your teen years (general fun and dating-wise), and probably the rest of your life.

I’m going to make a terribly embarrassing confession.  When I was about seven years old, after viewing Warrant’s Cherry Pie video for the first time ever, it was then and there that I decided that THAT was what I wanted to look like.  And with my dummy child brain, I just assumed that I, a very dark-haired, bushy eyebrowed short girl would just magically somehow turn 16 and wake up looking like that Cherry Pie girl.  Long story short– boy am I glad that I ended up getting my degree in Women’s Studies.

So, anyway, here are some other problematic people I thought I was entitled to somehow look like so that boys would like me.  This may be the most embarrassing post I’ve ever written:

1) Suzanne Somers
There may not be another show that I watched in sheer volume as much as Three’s Company.  One thing was blatantly clear here: you can be dumb as rocks, but if you rollerskate around in athletic shorts, a bikini top, blonde hair, with a perfect tan, you win at everything and guys will literally be falling over themselves to get a chance to hear the inane things you have to say.  Janet who?


2) Brittany Daniel (Swans Crossing & Sweet Valley High)
Does anyone remember the amazingness that was Swans Crossing?  It seemed that for all of Sydney’s (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar) brilliant scheming and manipulation, Mila’s yawnsville ass (Brittany Daniel) always came out on top, and Garrett Booth would always like her better.  Whatever though, have you seen Airborne?  Mila can fucking HAVE Garrett with an extra side of gnar-gnar.

3) Blair from Facts of Life
If there was someone’s hair I coveted most, it’s this girl’s.  Her pompousness and vanity were like music to my ears.  How was her lipgloss always so perfect?!?  This is why I will never be able to break my OCD lipglass habit.  And truth be told, I kind of still try to dress like her.

4) Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani Amber Theissen)
There may not have been a more coveted girl in the early 90s.  Kelly was IT.  And she wasn’t even blonde!!  But she sure was boring and dumb!  So..like, a half-win?  I kinda liked her better a shady Brenda bitch replacement on 90210, anyway.  Though her breast implants on that show really unnerved me and she was never as hot to me as on Saved By The Bell when she was flat-chested and perpetually wearing leotards.

5) Daphne from Scooby Doo
The other night I got called “Velma” by this dude at Sweet Ups.  This really hit hard for me, because, as a child, I thought,  if I wasn’t going to have blonde hair in life, I was definitely going to have red hair, Daphne-style.  And possibly have a blond athletic-looking boyfriend named Fred.  Well, I guess at least that guy thought I was more capable of solving mysteries.

6) Pamela Anderson
Yes, yes I did watch Baywatch for a time.  And though I did think Nicole Eggert was generally more attractive, Pam Anderson was like UNREAL.  Clearly there were various surgical reasons for that.  The vulgarity levels were through the roof, and yet, I fell for it just like the rest of you have certainly done at some point.  Yes, I did want to look like her for a time, OK?  I really just like that David Charvet!!  I’ve been over it now for some time, but it feels good to finally admit it….kind of.

The irony of the whole thing is that if I embodied the overall essence of what some of these women appeared to be/were perceived as, the guys that would like me would  probably be the worst human beings on earth.  And I can attract that element no matter WHAT I look like!  In the words of someone’s probable yearbook sign off: Don’t Change! Always Stay Sweet/the Same!

Who were some of YOUR embarrassing role models, looks-wise?

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Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.