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Get Your Broke-Ass Out of a Ticket

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The day I took the training wheels off my lil pink Huffy, I could never imagine a world in which I would look in my helmet rear view mirror to see flashing lights, pulling me over for speeding.  I still can’t imagine it because it hasn’t happened, and seriously, who wears those helmet mirrors?   The threat is very real, however, as the police are more and more frequently targeting and citing cyclists for traffic violations.

Whatever your feelings are towards the cycling community, everyone can relate to the shitty feeling of getting pulled over.  For many of you broke-asses, your decision to use your bike as your primary mode of transportation is not only based on your love for the environment, but also your lack of funds.  Those sweaty days and sore asses after riding across the city are all for naught if you wind up paying upwards of $300 for running a stop sign.

The solution?  Lie through your spokes!  If that doesn’t work, or you just aren’t crafty enough to come up with your own excuse, here are a few suggestions to help you weasel your way out of a hefty fine*.

1) Claim you’re from Idaho.
How will this help you ask?  Well, the far more advance state of Idaho has recognized the foolishness of holding cyclists to the same exact traffic laws as motor vehicles, and allows stop signs to be treated as yield signs.  Just pick your favorite Idaho town, call it home and you’ll be on your merry way!

2) Learn how to take a fall
When you hear the siren, look over your shoulder, make sure no one is in your danger zone, and biff that shit.  This will take some practice learning how to stunt fall without really hurting yourself, but it will take a real asshole of a cop to ticket someone crying on the pavement.

3)The 'œFailed Datebook'
Just say you were confused about what day critical mass was.

Fuck the police!

*I cannot in any way guarantee that these suggestions will work, or will not result in a larger fine or arrest.  Good luck!

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Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner

Alison Lambert - Half Price Headliner

Ali was born and raised in the Wholesome/Creepy capital of the world, Salt Lake City, UT. Once she was old enough to blow that pop stand she escaped to the place that was the anti-SLC: The Peoples Gay-public of Drugifornia aka San Francisco (holla 30 Rock!). You can now find her throughout this glorious city slurping Pho and scheming with her best friend Pinky doing what they do every night; try and take over the world.