Arts and Culture

The Corporate Dollar Store, Big Money Items Worth Only a Buck

Sign up for the best newsletter EVER!

The snack aisle is usually quite good.

This summer, stereo equipment magnate and philanthropist, Sidney Harmon bought the entirety of Newsweek (yes, the magazine!) for a single dollar. I have a hard time coming to grips with this sale because in my world, that amount of money only buys me 50% stake in a beer at happy hour. So why couldn’t I own one of the highest circulating magazines in America?

As it turns out, Harmon is actually a slick businessman who will probably save the magazine by sinking a lot of his own money into it and making Newsweek.com a website that people actually want to go to and read. So maybe that $1 price is a little misleading and I’ll just keep enjoying my beer, thank you very much. But since we’re already drinking and trying to buy entire companies for only a dollar, I got to thinking of some other things that I would definitely spend a buck on to rescue from impending doom and/or bankruptcy.

Yup, back to basics.

American Apparel – The store we all love to hate has been teasing bankruptcy for months now. As it turns out, putting the majority of your budget towards hiring porn stars as models and emphasizing your 3rd new line of lace-hoodie-bodysuits isn’t really a great business model. On the other hand, Dov & co. often support the noble goals of immigration rights and gay rights, so you kind of have to root for these guys. If Charney would let me take over for $1 I’d bring back the emphasis on the basics, because hey – they do make some really nice hoodies and their ridiculously soft under shirts actually make me feel OK about the price tag. Plus, I’d keep a small stock of the more absurd items on hand for a Bay to Breakers Accessories Sale. Or maybe I’d just sell the whole thing to Uniqlo.

Are you even old enough to buy beer?

Ke$ha – It’s pretty clear at this point that Ke$ha’s business model is not only wildly unsustainable (brushing with Jack daily will give you cavities), but she’s also in real danger of becoming morally bankrupt. (See also.) Because I am such a philanthropic businessman, I would bite the bullet and pay a dollar to babysit her for a week. For the first 6 days, I’d make her listen to her own music on repeat, Clockwork Orange-style. And then on Sunday, I’d show her the benefits of good oral hygiene and take her shopping at some place that isn’t a dumpster.

[youtube ILFmEK-VIWA]

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Cheap Lunch Specials at Ayola

Next post

Andrew Dalton - Aggressive Panhandler


Andrew Dalton - Aggressive Panhandler

Andrew Dalton - Aggressive Panhandler

Andrew is an East Coast transplant from Virginia hamming it up in San Francisco without any intention of leaving. Having worked every typical job from Bike Shop Employee to Bartender to Ad Agency Hotshot, to Dotcom Layoff he now busts his ass covering the "weird things to do" beat for gracious local audiences at SFAppeal.com and rallies the Western Addy/Lower Haight/Panhandle neighborhoods into action at AggressivePanhandler.com. His work was published in a real, paper magazine one time. One day he might even figure out how to make money from it.