AdviceSex and Dating

Unsolicited Advice to Myself: Love, Women, and the Eternally Incomprehensible

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When I was younger and only slightly more naive than I am now, my conceptions of the world and my place in it hinged on that typical adolescent brand of negativity. My future, I surmised, wasn’t to be based  in any positive sense on the lives of those that came before me. Rather, the idea was to see the world, scowl, and rebel – with extreme prejudice – against most of it.

Looking back, though, it’s clear most of it was a rebellion against the most basic precepts of being an adult. Credit cards, business casual, alcohol, relationships – my oftentimes harsh opinions of these things hinged on premature opposition and, in retrospect, a certain subtle and unconscious fear. Being a callous youth was really about being afraid of growing up. That much is certain.

Equally certain is this: If I somehow managed to travel to the past and meet with my sixteen year-old self, our conversation would involve a great deal of overt skepticism on his part and and equally present degree of sophomoric pedagogy on mine. I would have so much to teach myself, if only he would stop listening to Kid A long enough to actually listen.

And thus below we find a hypothetical conversation between versions of myself split by six years of experience, learning, and, only a slight bit of regret. What’s key to note is the format of this exchange, which, due to some complex array of time-dilation-and-special-relativity-induced complications, is forced to take the form of, no surprise, an instant message conversation. Omitted is the first hour of discussion, this for reasons that have more to do with the generally predictable narrative arc that the conversation would likely take (declaration of identity, ardently dubious response followed by intrigued and slightly-bemused confirmation of identity, etc, etc) than anything else. We begin at the meat and gristle: women.

[RB2005] alright. women – what are they like?
[RB2K10] Ha. In terms of physicality? Emotion? Smell?
[RB2005] this single sex education thing that I’m doing doesn’t give me a very good sense. two female teachers and countless more questions. tell me anything.
[RB2K10] I could possibly encompass the female aura in a single word: Intoxicating. Women are like following the scent of chocolate, finding a chocolate factory, and being completely overwhelmed by the smell. They are sweet to the point of being poisonous.
[RB2005] alright…
[RB2k10] But mostly good. Women, to say it simply, are mostly good. And entirely wonderful.
[RB2005] that only kind of makes sense…how is it to date them?
[RB2K10] Same as above, I suppose. Dating is all about discovering and learning a new person – though chances are you’ll learn a lot more about yourself. You, for example, will discover that your tendency to brood does not exactly translate well into dealing with women in general. Then again, that’s also something you will sort of grow out of.
[RB2005] i dont brood that much. plus, you’re lying.
[RB2K10]Wait five years. Then you’ll see.
[RB2005] whatever. next question. first relationship. rising action, climax, falling action. give me the synopsis.
[RB2K10]Hm. Let’s see….
[RB2K10]actually, no. I’m not going to spoil that one for you.
[RB2005] come on.
[RB2K10]Its better if you work blindly. Just work blindly.
[RB2005] thats not helpful. tell me something.
[RB2K10]Be understanding.
[RB2005] Alright…
[RB2K10]It’ll make sense. Trust me.
[RB2005] alright. how do women feel about hairy legs
[RB2K10] It’s mostly inconsequential, though some women might redirect their distaste of their own hairy legs onto you in a sort of freudian displacement. In general, it’s not  important.
[RB2005] the braces – were they worth it?
[RB2K10] fuck yes. straight gleaming teeth mean everything.
[RB2005] should I drop a few pounds?
[RB2K10] It wouldn’t hurt. Start by knocking out the Cheez-It.
[RB2005] your calendars off. I stopped last year.
[RB2K10]…and the Nutty Bars.
[RB2005] shit…
[RB2K10] Also – lose the mustache. Sooner rather than later. At least trim it once and a while.
[RB2005] noted. what else?
[RB2K10] no shirts with characters or lettering. no band shirts in general.
[RB2005]okay. back to women. are they something i should consciously be worried about.
[RB2K10] No. You still play Pokemon?
[RB2005] Not really. Ruby sometimes.
[RB2K10] Imagine yourself as a trainer in a dark cave full of Geodude, Zubat, and the occasional Onyx or Sandshrew. The encounter rate for these is fairly high. 45% Zubat, 40% Geodude, etc – which is why Geodude and Zubat aren’t really special and also why you’ll eventually use repel to avoid them. Geodude and Zubat are like most women. Geodude is made of rock and Zubat seems programmed only to confuse and poison you.  But what you are looking for is a Clefairy. They are rare and can learn Metronome, which makes them vertsatile. Clefary is special.  Just don’t use repel because while you are repelling the Zubat and Geodude, you are also repelling the Clefairy. You don’t want to do that.

Image courtesy of laughlin

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