Meeting People Is Easy

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I'm a cute puppy! Buy me stuff!

Since I’ve always been a broke-ass, I can only but assume the way the money-privileged make friends is to buy them. I have yet to have someone want to buy my friendship–which like my love–is for sale and I’m definitely looking for tips on how to make this happen. But, in the meantime, I figured I’d give a few tips for those who find their friend base lacking due to moving back home to their parents, friends fleeing the city back home to parents, or friends who have their shit together finally getting sick of you eating all the food off their plate when they get up to go the bathroom and they’ve told you not-so-politely to just move the fuck back in with your parents because they don’t want to support you anymore.

So here’s a FREE few ideas how to get a new gang of happy-go-lucky misfits together–or at least have someone to share your dreams and feelings with besides your roommate”s dog. And by sharing dreams and feelings, I mean talk at and mooch off of.

1. Borrow your roommate’s dog. Preferably your roommate has a little adorable dog* that looks like Toto that fits into a purse, because man, let me tell you everyone freaks out when they see you walking that pint-sized thing. Not only is it an ego-boost with strangers practically tripping over each other on the street to ooh and ahh, it’s a great ice-breaker. You can go to the dog park and the dog gives you an instant in. Show up a few days in a row at the same time and the next thing you know you guys are talking about your day, sharing some wine in a to-go coffee container, and watching the dogs hump each other, potentially creating the ugliest mutts ever. But whadda you care, it’s not your dog! And you got a new bestie! Pro Tip: if you are not into meeting “Dog People” just carry the dog around in your purse or murse or whatever and whip it out at bars. People will react favorably and buy you both drinks. For those that like a challenge: try borrowing a baby. They tend to need a bigger carrying bag then a purse though.

2. Join a book club. This makes you feel good about yourself because people who read books are smart, right? And smart people also like to have plates of cheese on their coffee table and make you drink their wine because they want to show off how much they know about it. With a quick scan of Wikipedia and maybe even a glance at Good Reads, you don’t even have to read the book and before you know it you have a room full of people who will feed you every week and listen to you thoughtfully as you relate the characters to your life and turn it into your own personal therapy session.

3. Use Craigslist to your advantage. There are always, always people looking for roommates. So you have a place that you are quite happy with? They don’t know that. Show up to open houses, interview appointments, potentially roommate meet ups. These people all want to hear about you and often will provide some type of beverage and snack. Too good at it and constantly offered the room? A simple, “Oh, you guys are great, but my landlord decided to lower my rent so I’m going to stay, but we should hang out and get coffee some time,” is sometimes the perfect foot in the door to build a solid friendship based on lies and the desire for FREE things. If you are on the circuit for too long, people might start to catch on, but dabbling here and there can be a great source of friend-finding.

Start out with those three and see how it goes. Good luck out there! I know it’s tough.

*If your roommate doesn’t have an adorable little dog, I suggest using #3 but the other side, looking for a roommate and specifically mentioning that little dogs are okay. You’ll be drowning in cute little canines in no time.

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Jessica Longo - Two-Bit Reporter

Jessica Longo - Two-Bit Reporter

Jessica was born, moved around a lot and has an odd dialect to prove it (see: hella, bubbler, and cawfee), and is now precariously settled in SF. Despite graduating high school too many years ago to count, she was crowned Prom Queen this summer and considers her life complete now. Last year her production editing job was outsourced to the Philippines. Hope they like it. Luckily for you, this Lady of Leisure is currently accepting applications for the position of Wealthy Benefactor.