Sex and Dating

5 Things You’d Like To Do In Front of Dudes

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You know when you’ve been dating or seeing someone for a little bit, and though you’ve reached a certain comfort level, you’re not quite “there” yet in terms of doing really disgusting things you’d do in front of, say, your brother? Sometimes people never really get there, and for good reason– sometimes things really should be left to good ol’ mystery or obscurity entirely.

Anywho, I was having a conversation with a friend, let’s call her “Penny”, recently who expressed that she feared she was becoming “too disgusting” with her boyfriend. I couldn’t help but envy Penny to a certain degree, because there are just some things that people should just “get over”, not to mention that I should just “get over” in terms of dealing with each other as human beings. Here are some top “things” that I’ve discussed with Penny and other friends with and without long-term boyfriends as far as what they do or what they’d like to do in front of guys they’re seeing/dating:

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1. Stop being ashamed of periods
I think it’s kind of annoying when guys are all like “PERIODS? GROSS!” It’s like, dude, a) you stick your stuff up there, and b) boys grow up being trained to love violence and blood so really, what’s the diff? It’s even MORE annoying when guys are like “EW, PERIODS….let’s still have sex though.” It’s like, you can’t be grossed out by periods AND want to have sex, as thought it’s some sort of pity thing. Just like, GET OVER IT or switch to men, because you’re doing us no favors. Conversely, I find myself over-apologizing for any sort of period-related accidents or marked presence in any way. Maybe I need to get over it, huh? Looks like the teacher has become the student! Or something.

2. Going to the bathroom in close proximity
Even if the bathroom is technically an entirely different room, I am incredibly overly-paranoid about anyone hearing me, whether it be #1 or especially #2. Even if there’s a fan, I turn on the faucet to camouflage any potential noise. I’ve even turned on the shower once or twice because of overwhelming paranoia. I just wish that there was a universally agreed-upon time period in which you could be like, OK, no more lies: I have to go to the bathroom sometimes, and you may or may not hear it.

3. Farting
Though I’ve covered the art of, uh, covering it up, I really just wish people started to find it humorous instead of rude. I mean, just within a one-on-one basis. It may be one of my biggest fears of all time to unknowingly fart in my sleep and for others to bear witness, and you know what? That is a fucking ridiculously stupid fear to have. Can’t we all just fart along? It’s kinda hard out there for a lentil-loving pseudo-vegetarian.

4. Not cleaning your room
It’s not like I don’t clean my room ever, it’s just like, ughhhh, I really have to spend at least a half hour making myself look like I don’t touch anything? At what point am I allowed to acknowledge that I’m human without someone thinking I’m a complete slob? I mean, as long as there isn’t any weird leftover food and you can see the floor, and cat hair is 75% under control, like what’s the problem?

5. Not feeling super self-conscious about hunching over in a tight outfit
You know how when you’re wearing a tight outfit and you feel okay at first, but then you get to be a little tired as the evening goes on and maybe sick of sitting up straight or sucking it in? But then, when you get home with your roommate, it doesn’t matter anymore? Well, I wish I could relax in a tight outfit around a guy I’ve been seeing for a bit and not feel like they’re secretly disgusted if I’m not sitting up straight. It’s probably the best moment ever in a dating situation when you feel like you can finally stop caring about that bullshit.

Got any more? Leave ’em in the comments.

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Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.

1 Comment

  1. Anne
    September 27, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Anna, I look foward to your posts eveeeerrrrrrrryyyyyy Monday morning. You are so funny. This post right here is like the Mona Lisa of humor writing. I’m sharing it with like, everyone I know. This totally made my day, so thank you!