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The Art of the Facebook Birthday Post

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So it may or may not be my birthday today (hint: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY) and there’s a new social phenomena in the past few years that I wanted to address. The Facebook wall posting.

Back in the day, it was simple, you bought your friend a Mylar balloon and she would add it to her silver cloud collection, stumble from class to class, clotheslining other students and pissing off teachers, but she knew that she was loved. Now there’s the FB happy birthday post, often pages of pages of people saying the same thing, the tried and true “Happy birthday, name,” with the occasional “You’re old,” or even the attempted quirky, “I feel like I was supposed to tell you something. Hmm.” How do you make yourself stand out in the barrage of birthday posts from old fifth grade classmates and jilted ex-lovers pretending everything is okay now? If you are brave, I suggest a birthday-appropriate Youtube video. But beware, they all send a message:

1. For the slightly timid. It says, I care enough to say more than just Happy Birthday on your wall, but don’t read into it too much.
[youtube glNjsOHiBYs]

2. This screams: I am having an illicit affair with you or I am extremely interested in having an illicit affair with you. Perfect for kick-starting that office romance with your boss.
[youtube k4SLSlSmW74]

3. To that special lady you are pretty much stalking. This will impress her. Just be sure you never invite her into her basement to see your collection of human bones. Or at least until you’ve soundproofed it.

[youtube jWTinQZJyJ4]

4. We’re dating, but I’m too cheap to get Beyonce to come sing in IRL or even buy you tickets to her show. Or sit in the car with you while you listen to that song of hers you like. (just a warning: after you post this you probably aren’t dating anymore because your gf is reminded how stingy you are and how hot Beyonce is.)
[youtube 0OaQFB41AmQ]

5. The blunt route. You are don’t care iff’n her grandma even knows what you want from her. Yeah, sex.
[youtube JGbOuZww14g]

6. For excited pedophiles eager to share their birthday love.
[youtube V9Urs4URuTk]

7. This one fits any of the categories above. It’s open to interpretation and you maintain a mysterious air.

[youtube veN2gyCEj8s]

Any questions? You’re welcome.

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Jessica Longo - Two-Bit Reporter

Jessica Longo - Two-Bit Reporter

Jessica was born, moved around a lot and has an odd dialect to prove it (see: hella, bubbler, and cawfee), and is now precariously settled in SF. Despite graduating high school too many years ago to count, she was crowned Prom Queen this summer and considers her life complete now. Last year her production editing job was outsourced to the Philippines. Hope they like it. Luckily for you, this Lady of Leisure is currently accepting applications for the position of Wealthy Benefactor.